


Look After You

by mysticalforces



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-11-13 16:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 45,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11189358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticalforces/pseuds/mysticalforces
Summary: They had been best friends their entire lives. A year had passed between them. There was alot Barry Allen didn't know about his best friend anymore. When she needs him most will he be able to save her? Would she let him? {WestAllen AU}





	1. Enrollment

Chapter 1

 

 

Iris West got out of her car, and stared at the huge building. She was so nervous, but excited at the same time.

"Uh oh, I think trouble just came to NYU."

Iris spun around at the familiar voice.

Her whole face lit up and she grinned. "Barry Allen!"

Barry was grinning too. "Get over here, West!" He said affectionately.

Iris just laughed and ran into his arms, she squealed as he lifted her up and spun her around. "Bear!" She giggled happily.

Barry put her down after a few seconds, and looked at her. "Wow, I haven't seen you in like.."

"A year," Iris supplied. "I know, it's been _forever_. How are you, Bear?"

"I'm doing great," Barry responded, his whole face showing just how happy he was. "Collage is great. I'm majoring in chemistry biology."

"Oh, yeah?" Iris smiled. "You still thinking of forensics?"

"Absolutely." Barry grinned. "So, how about you? How are you doing, Iris?"

"I'm good," Iris replied, trying her best to mean it.

Wait. She did mean it.

_Why wouldn't I be doing good?_ Iris asked herself confused. It's like when Barry showed up something inside of her clicked. It was made known to her that maybe she wasn't doing as well as she'd told herself she was.

Barry took a second to look at her, the shock and happiness of seeing each other had worn off, and he could now read her like he always used to.

"No, I don't think you are." Barry noticed. "You look...different."

Iris laughed. "Well, it has been awhile since you've seen me Barry. Of course, I look different. I'm a little older,"

"No," Barry shook his head. "it's more than that. You look like you've been through some kind of epic battle." She really did too. He noticed that she looked like something had happened to just take the carefree-ness right out of her.

Iris sighed. He always could read her like a book. She should've known better than to expect to enroll in collage where he's at, and not have him see this.

"I uh..." Iris chuckled nervously to hide the anxiety she was feeling at spilling this to him. "So, I got pregnant.."

Barry's eyes widened. "What?! You _got_ pregnant?!" He looked her over, she didn't appear to be carrying any extra weight. "Who is it?" His eyes suddenly changed from shocked to angry. A part of him wanted to be supportive but the bigger part of him was very protective of her. "Who did this to you?"

"Bear," Iris sighed. He had always been protective of her. "I haven't told you the rest."

"Who got you pregnant?!" Barry demanded. "Because I will hunt him down and kick his ass for screwing up your whole future like this."

Iris sighed, as she once again tried to tell him. "My future's not screwed up." She whispered.

"Maybe not yet!" Barry snapped. "Have you thought about how hard this is going to be for you? The morning sickness, the extra weight, swelling of your legs...and oh, yeah! How the hell are you gonna take your classes in between this ball of fun?!"

She felt tears enter her eyes. This was exactly why she'd never told him to begin with. She lost her patience, and just blurted it out. "I'm not pregnant!"

"What?!" Barry furrowed his brow. "Iris, you just told me you were. Look, I know I'm coming down kind of hard on you here and it's just cause I love you. You are an amazing girl and I'm pissed at whoever did this to you!"

"I'm not anymore, Barry!" Iris yelled, a couple tears rolling down her face.

He stared at her, still not fully comprehending what she was trying to tell him. "Okay? Did this happen last year or something?" He saw the tears in her eyes, and felt his heart break. "Oh, you gave it up, didn't you? I'm sorry, I didn't meant to upset yo-"

"I didn't give her up, Bear." Iris whispered through her tears. "That's so not what happened."

"Oh," Barry said quietly. "You had an abortion?" He would never judge her but that just didn't sound like her. The girl he'd known believed in life far too much for that.

"No!" Iris snapped. She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "Jesus, Bear I would _never_ do that in a million years!"

Barry took a step back not wanting to hurt or anger her further. "Ok, I'm sorry." He said sincerely. "I'm so sorry, Iris. I…what happened then?" The minute he asked he wished he could take it back.

_What do you think happened, Allen?_ He asked himself angrily. There was only one more option and it made him feel horrible for his best friend.

She just glared at him harshly. "I lost her, Barry. Ok?"

The color drained from Barry's face as he finally got what she'd been trying to tell him. "Oh." He said quietly. "You mean..."

Iris nodded. "Yeah," She whispered. "I had a miscarriage."

"Jesus, Iris." Barry whispered. He felt like a complete ass for the way he'd acted. "I'm so sorry."

She shrugged, blinking back tears, trying to make light of it like she always did. "I was too young anyway..."

"That doesn't matter," Barry responded firmly with a shake of his head. "you carried her inside of you. It had to of hurt like hell when you lost her."

Iris didn't know if it was those words, or Barry's kind face staring at her in deep concern that caused her to burst into tears, but no matter what it was, she did. "Bear," She cried.

Barry immediately took her into his arms, not even questioning it. It's what he always did whenever she got upset. She was his absolute best friend on the face of this earth, he loved her more than he's ever loved anybody. "C'mere, babe."

She clung to him, as she completely fell apart in his arms. "Bear, I miss her so much."

Barry gently stroked her hair, as he continued to hold her in a tight and protective embrace. "Of course, you do." He gently placed a kiss against her hair. "Oh, Iris." He murmured quietly. "Why didn't you call me? I told you when I went away, that I was always a phone call away. I would've come back in a minute if I knew something like this was going on with you."

"I know," Iris croaked against him. "I knew that if I called and told you I was pregnant, you'd go ballistic."

Barry closed his eyes tightly, before reopening them. The shame in them apparent. "And I didn't disappoint you, did I?"

Iris shook her head against him. "And I knew that if I called you to tell you that my baby was dead, you'd be even more pissed that I didn't tell you. I couldn't deal with that."

"I'm sorry, Iris." Barry quietly whispered against her ear. "I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't come to me when you needed to."

She pulled back, her face tear-stained and she cracked a small smile. Barry could tell it was forced though. "I'm sorry for getting your shirt all wet."

"I don't care about a stupid shirt when my best friend in the whole world is hurting." Barry responded firmly. "And you really don't have to do that with me, you know."

"Do what?" Iris asked.

"Pretend like you're fine, when you're not." At her surprised look, he continued on. "You can't honestly think you could come here, see me and not expect me to realize that you're hurting. I've known you forever. You may be able to fool your parents...fool anyone in the world, but you could never fool me." Barry pointed a teasing finger at her. "I know you better than you know yourself, West."

Iris laughed. "Is that so?"

Barry nodded. "Uh-huh. So, not that I'm not _beyond_ thrilled that you're going to the same collage as me, but why are you here?" His brow furrowed in confusion. "I thought you got into Harvard? From your letters, you went on about how your scores were off the charts. You were so excited about it too."

Her face fell as he reminded her about plans she'd had for her life before it all got so crazy. "Oh, yeah...change of plans."

"Okay? Well, what ch-?" Before Barry could grill her further, they were interrupted by a voice.

"Hey, Iris!" A young guy yelled.

_He did not sound happy,_ Barry noted.

"Get over here now! You're missing registration!"

Barry gave Iris a concerned yet, bewildered look. "Friend of yours?"

"Boyfriend," She admitted, wincing at her boyfriend's loud angry voice. "We enrolled here together."

Barry nodded his head, more than a little hurt that she'd never told him she had someone special in her life. He just chalked the hurt up to slight jealousy that maybe she'd replace him as her best friend or something. "Uh-huh. He uh...he seems pretty pissed."

"Oh, that's nothing." Iris shrugged, shaking it off. "He's just experiencing some anxiety. It's a change."

Barry merely nodded again, not really believing that. "Right."

"His name is Eddie Thawne." She continued, as she threw what Barry could tell was a forced fake smile of happiness to Eddie. "Be right there, babe!"

Barry's eyes widened, and looked more concerned than before. "Um...not trying to tell you what to do, but fyi, he doesn't have a very good rep."

"Who does anymore?" Iris retorted defensively. "I had and lost a baby at seventeen."

Barry sighed. "Iris, he's really not boyfriend material. He's not the kind of guy you should be with. He's not the kind of guy that you want. Hell, he's not the kind of guy that I want for you."

Her eyes hardened and she glared at Barry. "Who died and made you my keeper?" She shot harshly.

He looked at her hurt. "Iris, I wasn't implying that I…"

"Eddie _loves_ me." Iris interrupted him firmly.

In fact, she'd said it so firmly that Barry wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.

"Iris!" Eddie yelled. "Seriously, what the fuck?! Get over here!"

And now he was making a scene. The last thing she wanted infront of Barry. "I should go," She said quietly.

"You know what? Maybe _I_ should talk to him." Barry replied, already disliking the guy. He would've disliked anybody who talked to Iris like that. She was the guy's girlfriend, not his slave. "He has no right to talk to you that way."

Iris quickly grabbed his arm. "Bear, please." Her eyes bore into his, pleading. "Don't make a scene, alright? I told you it's nothing. Let it go."

Barry nodded reluctantly. "Okay, for you." He told her. "But if I ever see that guy mistreat you in any sort of way, I swear I will..."

"Kick his ass, right?" Iris supplied amused and touched at his protectiveness of her.

Barry nodded with a small smile and a hint of anger. "Damn right."

She just merely smiled again, before turning away.

"Hey, Iris?" Barry called after her.

Iris turned around, the smile still on her face. "Yeah, Bear?"

"Don't be a stranger, alright? Now that you're here, and I'm here...I want you to know that you can come to me if you ever need me." He told her. "I love you, Iris. I'm always here."

She smiled even bigger. "Thanks, Bear. I love you too."

"IRIS!" Eddie screamed. "FUCKING THIS YEAR!"

The impact of it, caused Iris to slightly flinch. It also sparked a hint of anger in her, as she snapped back. "I'll be over when I'm ready! Just chill out, Eddie!"

For a brief moment Barry caught the look in Eddie's eyes and it sent immediate warning bells into his system. This guy was trouble and was no good for his best friend. "Iris, are you sure you don't-?"

Her eyes went soft once again as she looked at Barry. "I told you, I'm fine. I'll see you around, Barry." She than turned around and ran over to where a pissed off Eddie Thawne stood.

"Yeah, you bet." Barry said softly, as he stared at Iris and Eddie.

He watched as they started screaming at each other. They were both screaming obscenities and Eddie was doing most of it.

One thing was for sure, he'd definitely be keeping an eye on Eddie Thawne.

He didn't trust that guy with his best friend as far as he could throw him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~**~

"What the fuck were you doing over there, Iris?!"

She sighed. She knew she should've just ran over here sooner. Now Eddie was all pissed off.

"I was talking with an old friend." Iris replied lowly. She really hated when he made spectacles like this.

He shot daggers at her. "Why?"

She started to feel some of the anger from before come back. "Maybe because I _felt_ like it." She rolled her eyes and turned away from him. "Geez, Eddie.."

Iris suddenly felt her arm get grabbed very painfully by Eddie. "Ow!" She yelled. "Eddie, let go of me now!"

He tightened his grip and she whimpered as he got right up in her face. "When I'm talking to you, you don't just turn away!" He raged at her, practically shaking her as he got in her face. "You got that?!"

She nodded, tears entering her eyes. "Eddie, please..." She whimpered. "You're hurting me."

"Good!" Eddie yelled, as he yanked her even closer to him. "Maybe that's what you need. It's the only way you ever fucking listen to me anymore!"

"I'm sorry," Iris cried, tears rolling down her face. "I'm sorry, Eddie."

His face was menacing. "You better be fucking sorry,"

Suddenly Eddie was torn away from Iris and was violently thrown to the ground.

She looked over and her face crumpled at who she saw. "Barry.."

Iris put a hand over her mouth. She was beyond humiliated. She never wanted Barry to know about any of the stuff that went on with her and Eddie. She knew how weak she must look to him right now, it was as weak as she felt.

Barry shot Eddie (who was still on the ground) a look that could kill. "You better not _ever_ put your fucking hands on my best friend like that again, or I’ll show you sorry." His eyes were dark with rage. "I'll fucking kill you."


	2. Protector

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry steps in to protect Iris, but it isn't well recieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank you guys for reviewing!! This chapter is most likely gonna be frustrating for you guys but I hope you guys keep reviewing and telling me your thoughts. I think you guys are really gonna love it once things really get going.

Chapter 2

 

 

Eddie smirked completely unfazed as he pushed himself up off of the ground. "Saved by the guy you're fucking on the side, huh Iris?"

Iris was mortified. "We're _not_..."

Barry quickly stepped in. "You don't have to answer that, Iris." As far as he was concerned after the cruel way he’d just seen this asshole treat Iris, she didn’t have to tell him a fucking thing.

Iris turned to Barry, wanting to difuse this whole situation. "Thank you for your help but I think you should go.."

Barry gently grabbed her arm. "I'm not going anywhere without you, Iris."

Iris shook her head. Now was really not the time for his protectiveness. He couldn't see it now, but she was the only one capable of defusing Eddie's anger. "Please, you need to go. I need to talk to my boyfriend alone."

Barry gave her an incredulous look. He was just supposed to leave her with the bastard that had already left a bruise on her arm? It would be a cold day in hell before that happened. "I am _not_ leaving you alone with this punk, Iris."

"He's not a punk.." Iris whispered, looking down. She knew how this would look to him, but this was her own fault.

"Maybe you should mind your own fucking business. Don't tell me how to treat _my_ girlfriend." Eddie cut in, as he grabbed Iris's arm, ignoring how she let out a small whimper. "Lets go."

It was her whimper that nearly sent Barry into a rage. He stepped in and shoved Eddie back, stepping in front of Iris protectively. "Maybe _she_ doesn't wanna go with you, asshole!"

"Bear, please." She pleaded from behind him. "Just get out of here, alright?"

"I'm not leaving you alone with him, Iris." Barry replied firmly. "Not gonna happen."

"You want me to fucking kick your ass?!" Eddie yelled getting right up in Barry's face.

Barry laughed amused. "You kick _my_ ass? Oh, come on asshole! I'd love to see you try!"

Iris ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "Damn it, Barry!" She screamed as she pushed against his back with her tiny fists. "Just get out of here! I want you to go! Just leave us alone!"

"I already told you, I'm not leaving you here with this piece of shit, Iris!" Barry yelled back at her, starting to get slightly pissed at her for even thinking he would. “It’s not happening, so quit asking.”

Barry had his back turned to Eddie, when he momentarily turned to her, and Eddie took that opportunity to grab him by the shoulders, throwing him off, and punched him.

"Eddie!" Iris yelled. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I think somebody said come kick my ass," Barry laughed, wiping blood off of his face, before charging at Eddie knocking him to the ground as a struggle ensued.

"Oh God!" She screamed. "Stop it!"

Eddie had pulled Barry up and had him against the bulletin board.

Iris ran over to them, she was terrified for Barry. "Eddie, let him go now!"

She moved to get in between them, but Barry instantly placed a hand out, as he firmly yelled at her out of fear for her. "Don't! Do _not_ go anywhere near him, Iris! You just stay back!"

Iris, however was stubborn and she didn't listen. She grabbed Eddie's arm, and in his rage, he flung her backwards and she fell to the ground hard.

"IRIS!" Barry screamed in fear, but Iris just laid motionless on the ground. If she wasn’t ok because she’d been trying to interfere for him, he’d never forgive himself.

_Oh God, Iris you’ve gotta be ok_ , He thought to himself painfully.

Eddie turned around annoyed, not the least bit concerned that his girlfriend could be hurt. "Iris, get off your as--"

It was that asshole’s absolute carelessness for a girl that all Barry wanted to do was protect that pushed him over the edge. Barry grabbed him, and they struggled as Barry flung him against the bulletin board, and punched him in the jaw, both his hands going around his throat and beginning to squeeze the life out of him.

"Did I not fucking tell you I'd make you sorry if you touched her again?!" He yelled, as he continued to squeeze his throat. "Huh?!" Barry's eyes were dark with rage. "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Iris started to come to, and she slowly stood up. "Barry, I‘m alright," She said softly, but firmly. "just let him go."

Barry turned around to look at her. “Iris, thank God you're okay," He felt instant relief at her voice. If she hadn't been okay, he probably would've strangled Eddie to death. "Iris, just stay back! I mean it, this time. I won‘t have you get hurt for me."

"Barry!" She yelled. "Let go of my boyfriend now!"

Barry let go of him, and Eddie fell to the ground weakened from nearly being strangled to death.

Barry turned around and gave Iris a stunned look. "Boyfriend? You're not seriously telling me he's _still_ your boyfriend after this, are you?!" There was no way...Iris wouldn't put up with an abuser. She wouldn't want to. The girl Barry knew would never stand for this.

Iris took a deep breath. "Bear, I know you‘re just trying to protect me, but you don't know what's going on, okay?"

She didn't care about what anyone thought of her, except for Barry that is. That's why she'd hated that he'd saw any of this.

Barry let out a strangled laugh. " _I_ don't know what's going on? Come off it, Iris. I saw this guy holding your arm quite tightly, I'm sure it's got a bruise. I _heard_ you. I heard you tell him he was hurting you."

Iris ran a hand over her face frustrated. "Barry, this isn't what you think it is!"

"Really?" Barry retorted. "What do you think _I_ think this is, Iris?"

She saw the judgment in his eyes and she almost fell apart from it. "You think that I'm in some kind of abusive relationship, right?"

Barry let out a short laugh. She always had cut to the chase with him. "I think you're on your way there, if you continue with him, yes."

Iris sighed. “I know you haven’t seen the best of Eddie today, but,”

Barry laughed again, but it held no humor. “The best? Well, you've got that right Iris..” The guy was an asshole, an abuser. He had to put his hands on her to get her to listen to him. There was no best in that. As far as Barry was concerned Eddie was nothing short of pathetic.

"You're wrong, Bear." Iris insisted. "Eddie is _not_ like that, okay? He loves me and I love him!"

Barry laughed bitterly. "You're not actually gonna stand there and tell me what I just saw transpire between you two is love, are you?" He ran a hand over his face in absolute frustration that truly seemed to be this blind. "Iris, he threw you to the ground without a single thought to your welfare! He didn't even give a _damn_ that you could be hurt!"

Iris shook her head, vigorously. "No! That's not true! He _loves_ me!"

Barry walked closer to Iris, his face held compassion but he was still firm. “That’s the second time you’ve said that to me today, Iris. I have to ask…who are you trying to convince of that, me or yourself?”

Eddie started to come to, and stood up, holding his throat. "Iris.”

The moment was broken and Iris turned away from Barry, intent on going to Eddie.

"Eddie!" Iris knew he was gonna take what had just happened out on her later on, she figured she'd try to defuse it now. "Baby, I'm so sorry, I---"

“Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” Barry yelled in frustration.

He didn’t know which part irked him more. The part where Iris was calling that asshole 'baby' after he’d violently thrown her to the ground with a thought to her welfare or the part where she was actually apologizing to him as if she’d done something to him that needed apologizing for.

"Stay here, do whatever the fuck you want with your new boy toy, okay?" Eddie spat harshly. "I don't give a damn." He turned and limped away.

"Eddie!" Iris shouted after him, tears springing to her eyes. She moved to follow him. "Wait!"

Barry gently placed a hand on her arm. "Iris, you shouldn't--"

"Shut up!" She spun around furiously and yelled at him, focusing her anger on him. "I told you to go! You should've just minded your own damn business! This is all your fault!" She shoved him. "I didn't need a babysitter!"

Barry was incredulous. What the hell was going on? This was not the girl he‘d known nearly his entire life. The girl he knew would never take this crap and would certainly never treat him this way for standing up for her.

"What? My fault? You expect me to just leave you alone with someone who treats you like that?!" Barry retorted heatedly. "Iris, come on. This is not you, ok? You're my best friend. I love you. I'm worried about you, and you deserve way better than that guy!"

Iris glared at him. "Well, don't alright?! Don't worry about me! I can take care of myself and I can handle Eddie! It was a stupid fight, alright?! That's what couples do, they fight."

Barry chuckled darkly. "You're right. Couples do fight. And I've had my share of them with every girl I've ever dated, but I have never _ever_ put my hands on them or talked to them the way that asshole did to you! That's not love, Iris. That's not a relationship! That's fucking...that's fucking slavery! He thinks he _owns_ you!" How could she not see that none of that was ok?

She shook her head, tears springing to her eyes even as she realized the truth in those words. She couldn't admit it, wouldn't admit it.

"It was my fault, alright?!" She yelled. "I'm the one who started it, so just do me a favor from now on and just fucking stay out of it! I don't need a damn protector!" Iris than, took off running, her intention to find Eddie.

Barry sighed. "Yes, you do Iris. A protector is _exactly_ what you need.”

He watched her retreating figure, and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Well, that went well."


	3. Can't do this anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris finds herself in a violent confrontation with Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter deals with very graphic sexual assault. So this is a TRIGGER warning. If any of you need to skip to the end of this chapter, it's understandable.

Chapter 3

 

 

"Eddie!" Iris yelled as she banged on their dorm door. "Eddie!" She sighed and leaned against the door.

"Why are _you_ here?"

Iris turned around startled and saw Eddie. She pushed back the slight fear that had entered her body. "Eddie, I was...I need to talk to you."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "What? Get tired of your new boy toy already?" He moved past her and unlocked the door, going inside.

Iris quickly followed him in, closing the door behind her. "Eddie, you have it all wrong!" She insisted. "Bear and I...we _aren't_ like that."

Eddie turned around and glared at her. "Bear? It must be _something_ , you have a fucking nick name for him! Huh?!" He picked up a book a threw it, it nearly hit her in the face and she screamed. "You fucking liar! Don't try to lie to me and tell me nothing's going on! Why'd it take you so long to come and find me, huh?!"

Iris shrank back against the door. "Eddie, _please_ stop it. You're scaring me."

"I'll tell you why!" Eddie went on in a rage. "It's cause you were too busy fucking him behind my back!" Iris's eyes widened shocked. "Yeah, uh-huh that's right! I know the truth! I know you're _nothing_ but a fucking whore!"

Iris glared at him with hurt and anger. "You're being a real ass, you know that?"

Eddie scoffed at her. " _I'm_ being an ass?!" He stepped closer and closer to her, until she was practically caged against the door. "You fuck some other guy behind _my_ back-"

Iris blinked back tears. "I told you, Barry and I aren't like-"

"Shut up!" Eddie screamed, slamming his hand against the door causing Iris to shake. " _I'm_ fucking talking right now! You fuck him behind my back and than you do _nothing_ while he kicks my ass! You don't even go after me!"

"I did!" Iris screamed back desperately. "I told Barry to stop! I even tried to get in between you! I _tried_ , Eddie!"

"Trying wasn't good enough!" Eddie screamed at her. "You're so fucking worthless Iris!"

Iris started crying. "I don't know what else you want from me, Eddie!" She cried helplessly. "I gave up Harvard for you, I lied to everyone about the bab-"

"You fucking shut your mouth about that!" Eddie hissed, slapping her across the face. "It was your own fault! You fucking made that happen!"

Iris was staring into Eddie's hate filled eyes and it's like the man she had been trying to convince herself she loved didn't even exist.

She was scared of him.

She was scared of Eddie.

Iris reached for the doorknob. "I think I should go," She said quietly.

"No!" Eddie shouted, grabbing her arm and throwing her onto the bed. "You're not going anywhere!"

Iris sat up in fear. "What are you going to do, Eddie? You gonna beat me like last time?" She blinked back tears. "You promised me those days were over."

"Don't you _even_ turn this around on me!" Eddie yelled, pointing a finger at her. "You just wanna leave, so you can go fuck Barry again, right?!" He yelled. "Well, not until I'm fucking done with you!"

"For the fiftieth fucking time, Eddie!" Iris snapped at him, anger taking over her fear. "Me and Barry...not like that! Barry and I have never, nor will we _ever_ be a couple! I'm not into him and he sure as hell isn't into me!"

That was a big fat lie and she knew it, but she was feeling really desperate to get the hell away from him. And from past experience, she knew the only way she had any hope of calming him down was to just tell him what he wanted to hear.

"You want him to be into you!" Eddie stepped closer to her.

Iris could feel herself crumbling. Of all the outrageous things he'd said to her, she knew that that was the one truth. A huge part of her did wish that Barry loved her like that, but she didn't think for a second he did. She was convinced that his love for her wasn't romantic.

So she'd settled with Eddie. And in this moment she was really asking herself why she had been fighting so hard with Barry about Eddie.

"Oh my God!" Iris shouted. "You are acting so crazy right now! Do you even hear yourself?!"

"He must be really good," Eddie continued, like her words weren't even being spoken.

"What?!" Iris ran a hand through her hair.

"For you to lie to me like this, and to betray our love!" Eddie yelled. "He must be really fucking good!"

Iris was astonished. Was he seriously not hearing a word she was saying? "Eddie, we're-!"

Eddie climbed onto the bed and started touching her breasts roughly. "Does he touch you like this, Iris?" He roughly kissed Iris, jamming his tongue down her throat, even as she protested. "Does he kiss you like that?!"

"Eddie, stop it!" Iris yelled. She was both pissed off and terrified of how he was acting. "I've never been with Barry! Now, let me go!"

"You fucking wanna be!" Eddie snapped, and he opened her top, and placed rough kisses on her skin.

"Stop it!" Iris was pushing against him, but his weight was trapping her. "Get off!"

"What?" Eddie feigned hurt. "You don't want me anymore, baby? You just want your Bear now?!" He punched her in the stomach and she screamed in pain. "How does he fuck you, Iris?!"

Iris was sobbing as she pushed against him. "He doesn't! We're not together! Please, stop!"

"Stop lying!" Eddie shouted at her, pulling her skirt up, tearing her underwear down and roughly jamming a finger inside her as she screamed in pain. "Stop fucking lying!"

"Stop it!" Iris hysterically cried against him, hitting his chest and pushing with all of her might. "Get off me, Eddie! Fucking get off me!"

Eddie punched her in the face, and started undoing his jeans, and pulled out his hard cock.

"How does he fuck you, Iris?!" He yelled, as he jammed his penis inside of her and screamed again in pain. "Does he fuck you like this?!" He began moving and thrusting hard into her, as she continued to cry and beg him to stop. "Does he?!"

Eddie pulled out of her after a few minutes, and threw her shirt at her, and got off the bed to go get his jeans.

Iris clutched her shirt to her chest as she quietly sobbed.

Eddie put his jeans back on, and walked over to her. "If I hurt you, I'm sorry." He began, his voice suddenly soft and looking like he actually cared that she was in pain.

" _If_ you hurt me?" Iris whispered brokenly. Who was he? This was the absolute worst things had ever gotten with him before.

"I may have taken things a little too far, okay?" Eddie sighed. "I'm sorry, baby. I just think about you being with some other guy and I get crazy. You know that."

"Who are you, Eddie? I don't even know you," Iris whispered completely shattered before quickly moving from the bed and ran to the door, leaving it open in her haste to get far away from him. Not even bothering to run back for her shirt or listen to his desperate pleas for her to come back.

Iris ran down the hallway at full speed, not even bothering to pay attention to the stares at her with her inappropriate dressing.

She was running so fast that she ran smack into Barry, he quickly stopped her before she could continue past him. "Whoa, easy tiger..." He started to joke, before raising his eyes up and noticing that she had no shirt on, her face was bruised and she was completely hysterical.

"Oh my God." Barry whispered as he looked her over in deep concern. "Iris, what happened?" He urgently asked her.

Iris was breathing heavily, and looking down. He wasn't even sure if she'd even heard him. "Iris?" He gently pressed. "Sweetheart, what happened?" His voice was caring, and he gently lifted her chin to meet his eyes. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

He was pretty close to drawing his own conclusions but if he focused on what he thought, Eddie would be dead before he even got a word out of her. He knew that wasn't what she needed right now. She needed him. He wasn't about to let her down by giving into his rage.

His caring eyes and voice completely undone her, and she broke down sobbing. "Bear, I..I'm sorry." He hadn't even mentioned Eddie's name but she knew what he must think right now. And after the way she had treated him. She really didn't deserve him or his loyalty. She quit being deserving of that a long time ago, way before she ran into him today.

Barry gently touched her face but instantly realizing he should've thought better of that when he saw her wince. "Iris, what are you apologizing to me for?"

Iris couldn't even look him in the eye...didn't know if she ever could again. "I've treated you like absolute crap today. You should hate me.."

"Iris, I think we've been through way too much for me to ever consider hating you. I also think you know that what happened in the court yard...definetely once of our tamer fights." Barry softly spoke, the tenderness in his voice apparent.

He hadn't been angry with her today. Worried? Absolutely, but not angry. And he had been angry with her before. When she had purposely put herself in danger to see if he cared enough to come...that he had been angry with her for. He had been downright furious. But today wasn't one of those times.

"Bear I..." Iris broke off sobbing. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

Barry gently pulled her into his arms, as if they could shield her from the prying eyes. "Iris, what's going on? What can't you do anymore? What happened to you?" He gently stroked her hair.

Iris continued to hysterically sob against his chest, she clutched his shirt, her sobs loud. "I'm sorry, Bear. I'm..."

"Shhh, Sweetheart." Barry gently whispered, stroking her hair. "It's okay." He kissed the top of her head, sending death glares to a few of the guys that were just openly staring at her. 

"Everything's gonna be alright, ok? I'm here, we'll make it alright together." He tightened his arms around her, not even realizing how much things were not alright for his best friend, and how much they weren't going to be for some time.


	4. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris confesses her feelings to Barry, but he's not so quick to believe her.

Chapter 4

 

 

"Iris?" He gently asked. His arms were still wrapped tightly around her and she was still clutching him like he was her lifeline. "Please, tell me what happened." He quietly murmured.

Iris was shaking. "I thought...I thoug..."

Barry had his hand on top of her head and his chin rested there. "Sweetheart, I gotta get you out of this hallway before the dean comes or something, okay?" Although, considering her appearance, he knew _something_ had happened to her, and he wasn't so sure it would be a bad idea for the dean to get involved.

"I didn't do anything," Iris whimpered desperately. "I didn't..."

"I know,”’ Barry quickly assured her, never once loosening his hold on her. "I know that whatever happened is not your fault, okay? But I have to get you.....we should go somewhere where we can really talk, okay?" Somewhere preferably where hormone-raged guys couldn't just openly stare at her like she was a piece of meat.

"Bear, I _don’t_ understand," Iris sobbed brokenly. It was like she didn't hear a word he was saying, she was too trapped in her own hell.

Barry gently pulled back from her just long enough to take his jacket off and gently help her put it on. "Iris, I'm gonna take you to my room, okay?"

Iris was looking anywhere but at him. She looked so lost and so broken that it made him wanna find whoever had done this to her and murder them, although he already had his suspicion of who and what had happened.

"Iris?" He gently lifted her chin. "Will you come with me, Sweetheart?"

Iris nodded slowly. "I'll come with you."

"Okay," Barry gently lifted her up in his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder. "let's go." He felt her slightly shake and whimper and it broke his fucking heart. “It’s alright, Sweetheart. I promise I’m gonna take care of you.”

"What's wrong with her?"

Barry turned at the voice. "Nothing," he snapped. "she's fine, James."

"Is she high or something?" James pressed.

"She's not fucking high, alright?!" He immediately took offense to that.

Even though, James might've been right to think something was up with the state of her undress, there was no way Barry was gonna let anyone make those kinds of assumptions about Iris. He wasn‘t gonna have these pricks spreading rumors about her being some kind of junkie.

"Why don't you let us take her, Barry?" A cocky voice chimed in.

Barry glared at the guy standing next to James. Jared was his name, he disliked him almost as much as Eddie. "Why don't you fucking drop dead, Jared?" He snapped heatedly. "Show's over, alright?! She's fine! I got her, now back the _fuck_ off!"

Jared immediately stepped back, along with James. They both knew better than to tango with Barry Allen. Iris was clearly important to him and unless they wanted their asses beat to death, they'd better just steer clear. She was off limits to Jared and his frat pack.

"Bear," Iris whimpered, her grip on him had tightened. “please don’t let him take me.”

Barry breathed in a sharp breath at her broken request.

Did she really think he would do that to her? Did she really think that he would just hand her off to some other guy and let him do God knows what to her? He didn’t know what broke his heart more, her lack of trust in him or how broken she truly seemed to be. He refrained from asking her those questions because he could clearly see that she was in no state of mind for such a discussion. He needed to get her to his room where she would be safe and then get her to talk to him.

Barry continued with her down the hallway and pressed a light kiss against her neck. "Shh, it's alright Sweetheart. I got you, everything's gonna be okay."

He finally reached his dorm room, he opened the door and carried her inside, kicking the door shut with his foot. He carried her over to his bed and sat down with her still cradled in his arms.

Iris continued to sob harshly into his shoulder, her grip on him never once loosening.

Barry felt tears enter his own eyes. He'd known this girl for half of his life, and he had never ever not even in the darkest times ever had seen her even close to the way she was right now. It terrified him. He knew something truly awful must have happened to reduce her to this.

"Iris?" Barry gently pried her arms from around his neck and pulled her back so that she was facing him. She wouldn't even look at him though, she faced down and she continued to sob hysterically.

"Iris," Barry repeated firmly, his voice urgent as he grabbed her face in both of his hands practically forcing her broken eyes to face his worried ones. "Sweetheart what happened to you?" He gently traced her bruise. "Who did this to you?"

"Bear," Iris sobbed. "I'm so scared."

"Oh, Sweetheart." He gently pulled her face close to his so that there foreheads were touching and he gently kissed her forehead, her eyes and her cheeks. "You don't have to be scared when you're with me. Nothing can touch you, I wouldn‘t _ever_ let it."

He felt her slightly calm and he felt relief enter him. He'd always been able to calm her, even back when her problem was her parents or worrying about someone being her friend, he'd always been the one she'd run to and he'd always be able to make it better for her. He loved being that guy for Iris. He loved her.

"You're always safe with me, remember?"

Iris had both her arms around his neck as she nodded against his face. "Uh-huh," She murmured. She pulled her head back slightly to look into his eyes. "You're always saving me." She sniffled as another tear rolled down her face.

Barry gently smiled, pulled her face back to lean against his forehead. "Somebody's got to."

Iris leaned in even closer and suddenly placed her lips on Barry's, pulling him into a kiss.

Barry immediately kissed her back for a brief moment, his hands tangling in her hair and than his senses came to him, and he quickly pulled back from her.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He put his hand over his mouth and stared at her in complete confusion. "Why did you just kiss me?"

"I…I love you, Barry." Iris blurted, tears shining in her eyes.

"I love you too, Iris." Barry instantly responded back, looking her over with deep concern and care. "You _know_ that, but where is this coming from?"

"It's always been there," Iris explained. "I was gonna tell you that I wanted to be with you, but you left for college and you...you were just gone!"

Barry stared at her stunned. "What...I don't...." He ran a hand over his face, trying to understand her like he'd always been able to, but for the first time he couldn't. He had no idea where the hell her head was at.

"We're friends!" He watched Iris's face fall, and felt his heart shift. "You and I....Iris, we're friends! You're my best friend and I love you like…” He sighed. He loved her like he had the day he’d left for college. He’d loved her as more and it still felt like that for him. But he needed to know where she was at.

"Oh," Iris said quietly, moving off the bed. "you mean you don't _want_ me."

Barry got off the bed to follow her.

Of course he wanted her, he's always wanted her, but she was so much younger than him. And he'd always been protective of her, felt she deserved the best in the world and he was not the best.

"Iris..." He said quietly.

Iris turned around, her face crumbling. "Just forget I ever came here," She choked out.

Barry felt his heart twist at her crumbling face and was tempted to tell her everything that he was feeling and had ever felt for her. "Iris, please don‘t leave, not like this."

Iris put her hands up, Barry who had been walking closer to her to stop. "It's fine. You don't feel the same way." She wiped her tears away as she turned to go for the door. "This was a mistake.”

Barry quickly walked to the door, his hand touching hers as he stopped her from twisting the door knob. "No, Iris." He gently touched her shoulders, pulling her around to face him. "This was not a mistake."

"It wasn't?" Iris asked hopefully.

"Of course not," Barry gently hugged her. "Nothing you say is ever a mistake. And I don't ever want you to feel like you can't come to me."

Iris felt her heart stop. "Oh," She murmured quietly, moving out of his arms. "You don't...."

"Iris," He looked at her, still trying to figure out where all of this was coming from. He wasn't about to spill any of his growing feelings to her until he figured out what the hell was going on with her. He didn’t want to tell her of his feelings and have her just blindly follow suit. Ever since she’d gotten here, he could see how much she had changed and it was not for the better. He was a pretty perceptive guy and he saw that she had the tendency to be extremely submissive. "what's going on here?"

"I wanna be with you!" Iris cried out. “Why can’t you understand?!”

"Since _when_?” Barry pressed in complete confusion. "Where has this sudden need to always wanna be with me come from?!" He watched her eyes tear up, and he continued on. "What about Eddie? Yesterday, you were telling me that Eddie loves you so much and that you guys are just so great together! You got pissed at me when I tried to help you cause he was acting like an ass!"

"I'm sorry!" Iris cried out. "I shouldn't have acted like that! It was my faul--"

There she went again with the ridiculous apologies and being submissive. He hated it and quite frankly it was scaring the shit out of him. 

"Stop it!" Barry interrupted firmly. "I don't want you to be sorry and I don't want you to..." He sighed. "Why are you _always_ doing this?! Why are you always saying everything's your fault?!" He gently touched her face. "You never used to be this way, Iris. What is going on with you? Are you seriously in love with me?"


	5. Violet Rhines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is incredibly long. Barry has a flashback of the last time he'd had to step in to protect Iris.   
> Iris confesses more than she planned to, to Barry.

Chapter 5

 

 

  
“Are you seriously in love with me, Iris?” Barry repeated after a few seconds had passed without an answer. “Please, tell me the truth.”

Iris stood silent with tears streaming down her face. She was in love with him. She'd been in love with him ever since before he left for college.

She had latched onto Eddie when Barry had left. For a short Eddie wasn't as terrible as he had become now. There was alot Barry didn't know about. There was alot about her miscarriage that she hadn't told Barry about, didn't think she ever could. She knew he would most likely never forgive her.

The truth was, she didn't feel like she was good enough to be with Barry. She always made Eddie so mad and everything she said or did was wrong. She was worthless, just like Eddie said. She knew Barry would never seriously wanna be with her.

"Are you?" Barry repeated, searching her eyes. "Cause if you are seriously in love with me and want to be with me, than we'll figure it out. There are some things that I need to..." He was trying to find the words, the right way to explain to her what was going on inside of him for her.

"No," Iris whispered.

Barry stopped in the middle of his explanation, he felt his heart drop. "What?"

"No," Iris stated, forcing her voice to be more strong. "I'm not in love with you." She lied. "I'm sorry, Barry. I was upset, and I...Eddie and I," Hurt showed in Barry's eyes and Iris didn't see it cause she was looking down.

"We had this really bad fight and I was thinking that it would just be easier because you would never...." She struggled to keep from breaking down again, as she forced herself to look into his eyes. "You and I never fight like that, Bear."

"Oh," Barry said quietly. "So, this is about Eddie?" Iris nodded. "Okay, so what happened?"

Barry felt his heart twist. He loved her. He was in love with her and if she hadn't said no, than he would've told her all of that.

He took a few moments to try and collect himself. There was no point in ever telling her now.

"He got so _angry_ at me," Iris's voice was small, as a sob worked it's way out. "He started yelling and he got so out of control!"

Barry gently pulled her to him and kissed her forehead. "Did he hit you?"

Iris pulled out of his arms, and stood with her back to him as she quietly cried.

"Iris?" Barry gently touched her shoulder. "Did he hurt you? Did he _do_ this to you?"

His suspicions were proving to be right so far and if that bastard had put these bruises on her and if he had…He forced himself to remain calm for Iris’s sake. That bastard was clearly a loose cannon and he would be damned if he would be the same thing in front of her.

Iris turned around and looked at him brokenly. All the memories rushing back in her mind of what had happened.

"Iris?" Barry gently pressed. "You can tell me."

"I told him to stop!" Iris cried out and threw herself in his arms, sobbing against him harshly.

Barry immediately wrapped his arms around her and gently stroked her hair. He had calmed her down and now she was all upset again. "Okay," He murmured soothingly. "Shh, it's alright. Everything's gonna be alright, Sweetheart."

"No," Iris sobbed shaking her head against him as everything she was trying to keep buried inside came flooding out. "He accused me of sleeping with you behind his back! I told him I didn't! I told him I would never, but he didn't believe me!"

Barry held her even tighter as if his arms alone could keep her from breaking apart. "Shhh, baby, it's okay."

"I tried to leave, but he wouldn't let me!" Iris continued on. It was like it was against her will. She'd never wanted to tell him this much, but his mere presence was just pulling things out of her.

Barry felt anger surge through him. "What do you mean, he wouldn't _let_ you?"

"He wouldn't let me!" Iris repeated, getting agitated. "He threw me down on the bed and he..."

Barry's eyes widened and he felt a murderous rage like none other come over him.

If that bastard had done what he thought he'd done, he was gonna fucking end his life. He was already mentally contemplating ways to cut the bastard’s dick off. No one violated his best friend that way, no one. The last time he’d had such murderous thoughts was the night he’d had to rescue her at that seedy club…

  
Three years ago…

  
_Barry barged into Violet Rhines, angrier than he’d ever been in his whole life._

_After Iris had called him drunk and scared and begging him to come get her, he had practically broken the speed limit just getting there._

_As he made his way into one of the backrooms of the club, what he saw made his blood run cold._

_Iris laid on a table, stripped to her bra, surrounded by three guys. By the sound of her screams and the situation, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on._

_Enraged, he pulled out his gun (that he had taken from his father's study) and pointed it directly at the three bastards daring to lay a hand on his best friend. “Get the fuck away from her. Now.” he said deadly quiet._

_Seeing the gun, the guys quickly backed away from a shaking and terrified Iris. “It’s all good man. We didn’t know she was taken.”_

_Barry shook his head in anger and disgust. “You knew she was a person, didn’t you?!” He screamed. “Get the fuck out of here before I kill you and don’t you ever think of going near her ever again.”_

_The guys quickly scampered out, terrified. Once they left, Barry rushed over to Iris picking her up in his arms and seating her on his lap while he checked her over._

_“Sweetheart, are you ok? Did they?” He couldn’t even bare voicing it aloud._

_Iris shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “They would have but you got here just before they could…”_

_“What is it?” Barry could tell she was holding something back. “Sweetheart, it’s ok to tell me. You can tell me anything.”_

_“I…I don’t want you to get angry or be disgusted with me..” Iris cried._

_“Hey, hey,” Barry gently took her face in his hands. “I could never ever be disgusted with you. Anything that hurts you, angers me yes but that’s because you’re the most important person in my world.”_

_“They touched me,” Iris blinked back tears as she pointed to her skirt. “down there."_

_Barry inhaled sharply. He now wished more than ever that he had pulled that trigger and the only reason he didn’t was because he wasn’t about to let prison take him away from Iris._

_“I’m so sorry,” He said softly, blinking back tears of his own. “I should take you to the hospital. We gotta report this.”_

_“What?!” Iris shrieked. “No. I’m not…I’m not **reporting** anything.”_

_“Iris, those guys practically raped you. We gotta report this. They can’t get away with what they did to you.” Barry said firmly._

_“No, please!” Iris pleaded. “I don’t want my parents finding out or anyone else for that matter. It’s humiliating enough telling you. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, Barry. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t tell anyone.”_

_Barry sighed. He really didn't like this. But at the same time he wouldn't force her. “Iris you know I would do anything in the world for you. If this is really what you want, than ok. I’m on board with whatever you decide. But if they had raped you, you would be going to the hospital.”_

_“And you’d kill them right?”_

_Barry chuckled bitterly. “Oh I’m already contemplating ways to make them suffer. I should’ve gotten here faster. I can’t believe this happened to you and I couldn’t stop it.”_

_Iris grabbed his hand. “Bear, you can’t protect me forever.”_

_Barry looked at her tenderly and touched her cheek. “Maybe not. But it doesn’t mean I won’t die trying. You know that, right? I would sooner die before I let any harm come to you.”_

_“I know you would. I guess for a little bit I was starting to doubt what we had and that’s why I came here tonight.” Iris revealed._

_Barry furrowed his brow. “ What are you talking about? Iris did you? Did you purposely put yourself in harms way to see if I would come for you?” He narrowed his eyes at her dangerously. If she had done this purposely he was gonna lecture her into next year._

_“Not purposely…” Her guilty look said it all to him and it pissed him the fuck off. “Maybe on some level..”_

_“Jesus Christ, Iris!” Barry yelled. “What in the hell were you thinking?! Do you know how fucking lucky you are that I happened to hear my phone? How fucking lucky you are that I got here?! If I hadn’t…you would’ve been gang raped and maybe killed or worse, sold into trafficking!” He exploded. “You think them finger fucking you was humiliating? Imagine that combined with every depraved sexual act you could think of, happening to you on a daily basis with multiple guys a day!”_

_He came down from his anger after a few seconds and noticed that she was crying and shaking. “Iris,” He said softly, putting his arm around her and pulling her close to him. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole but…you scared the shit out of me. You can’t do things like this ever again. You just can’t. I know you’re naive and think the shit in fairy-tales are real but this world is a horrible place. It has nightmares that you can’t conceive of. You can’t take chances like this anymore. Especially not over me. If you need to be reminded of what you mean to me, you just call me and I will tell you as long as it takes until you believe in it.”_

_Iris calmed and wiped her tears away. “I’m sorry, Barry. I just…I thought that if I came here and I could handle myself, you’d see that I’m not some dumb kid you have to protect. And than I thought if I came here and I needed help….you would come for me.”_

_Barry sighed. No matter what crazy, reckless thing that girl did, he was never able to stay angry with her. “Iris I will **always** come for you. No matter what. Don’t you know by now what you are to me? You are not a kid. I see you for what you are. You are a young girl turning into a young woman. You don’t need to come to places like this to capture my attention or to keep me as a friend. You have both. Forever. No matter what.”_

_Iris nodded, leaning into him. “I guess I just got scared of losing you. You’re older than me and conventionally it makes no sense for us to be this close and have this Dawson/Joey relationship…” At his perplexed look, she chuckled. “Season one. Anyhow, but we do. I couldn’t bare to lose that. You’re the only one that gets me, the only one that I trust completely. You’re more than my best friend, you’re my family. And I cannot lose that. I cannot lose my family.”_

_Barry smiled softly and gently kissed her forehead. “You’re never gonna lose me. You and me…we’re forever.” He gently put his jacket on her. “I should get you home though.”_

_Iris nodded and as she stood up, she about fell. “It hurts,” she explained to his concerned eyes. “from where they…they were rough…” she blinked back tears, willing herself in vain not to ever think of it._

_Barry blinked back his own tears. “Sweetheart, I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to stop this. I promise you, I promise you I am never ever gonna let someone hurt you like this again.” He picked her up and carried her out of the club._

  
*Present*

  
Barry came back to the present. Somehow with her safety, he just kept breaking his promises and he hated himself for it.

Iris pulled back suddenly. It was like whatever pull had been making her confide in him about what Eddie had done just ended. She couldn't believe she'd told him all that she did.

Barry could never know what Eddie had done to her. She knew that Barry may not love her like she loves him, but she knew he loved her enough to go after anybody he'd thought had hurt her.

"He, what?" Barry's voice was urgent, yet deadly calm. "Iris? What did he _do_ to you?!"

"Nothing!" Iris said quickly, a little too quickly for Barry to believe it. "It was just a stupid fight and I‘m blowing it out of proportion. I'd better go."

Barry quickly raced to the door, keeping it shut with his hand. He couldn't let her leave. This was too important, too serious.

"Did he force himself on you?! Is that why your face is all bruised up?" Barry pointed to his open shirt on her, at her ribs. "Is that why there are bruises on your ribs?" He felt himself getting worked up at the thought of something so vile happening to the his best friend, the girl he loved. “Did that piece of trash rape you?”

"No!" Iris yelled. "Eddie would never do that to me! He loves me!"

"You keep saying that," Barry replied annoyed. "I can't figure out if you're trying to make me get it or yourself!"

"You need to stop sticking your nose in my business!" Iris shrieked, trying to push him away. "This has nothing to do with you!"

Barry furrowed his brow at her. " _I'm_ sticking my nose in your business? Iris, you enrolled here where I go! You literally ran right into my arms! You kissed me! You told me you were in love with me all as some elaborate plot to do with Eddie, which I don't buy by the way! Look at you."

He narrowed his eyes at her in deep concern. "You're shaking, you're scared. You have bruises all over you. They're from Eddie, aren't they? He did that to you!"

Iris shook her head vehemently. "No!"

"He did that to you because he's fucking jealous of our friendship!" Barry continued on.

At first he was just trying to cage her reaction to such a thing, and the way she was reacting to it, said everything to him. His best friend was in an abusive relationship. He may not be able to prove it, but she was pretty much proving it herself without saying a word.

"No!" Iris screamed. "He just....he knows you're gonna try and come between us! He's just trying to make sure that he doesn't lose me!"

"Are those your words or his?" Barry shot at her.

"Mine!" Iris screamed again. "You just... you don't want me to be happy!"

Barry took a step back from her, he was stunned. He felt like she had physically hit him. "I don't want you to be happy?! Iris, I love you! You're my best friend and I am trying to protect you!"

"I don't need your damn protection!" Iris snapped.

"I think you do!" Barry snapped back. "I know guys like Eddie, okay? They're users! They're pathetic! They don't wanna take any blame for anything they do wrong! So, they blame it all on someone else! It's always someone else's fault, right Iris?"

She turned away from him and he knew he'd gotten to her. "After he did that to you, I'm sure he told you that he was sorry, right? He went too far? He just can't stand the idea of you with some other guy! Right?! Am I right?!"

"Stop it!" Iris demanded. "You are so wrong, Barry! So wrong!"

"Really? Than, why didn't you just tell me that he never touched you?" Barry watched Iris's eyes go downward and that was all the confirmation he needed to know that she was lying to him. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Iris looked up at him. "You know, I thought you were my friend!"

"I _am_ your friend, Iris!" Barry retorted firmly. "It's cause I'm your friend, that I'm telling you this! He doesn't love you, Sweetheart. That's not love, okay? I love you."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Iris yelled. "Yeah, we had a stupid fight and it was my fault, alright?! Eddie loves me and you're just trying to run my life!"

Barry stared at her wide-eyed and mouth open. "Wow. I can't believe you just said that to me. I'm trying to run your life?! No, Iris! That's what your parents did! And that's what Eddie is doing! I'm trying to save it!"

"Just stop it!" Iris snapped. "You don't love me, you never did!"

"What?" Barry was shocked, and if she truly thought that it hurt him. "How can you say that? Iris, I have _always_ loved you..."

Tears were streaming down Iris's face. "If you loved me, you never would've left me!"

"Iris," Barry quietly said. "I didn't leave you. I went off to school. You quit calling me, you quit writing..."

"What the hell else was I supposed to say?!" Iris yelled. "You wouldn't have wanted to hear any of it!"

"Iris..." Barry gently reached out to her but she pulled away from him almost violently. "I dont understand why you're so angry with me. If this is truly how you felt than why didn't you ever say anything? And don't say I wouldn't have wanted to know. I always want to know."

Iris couldn't take it anymore and she just blurted the next words out without even thinking them through. "I was pregnant and you left! I needed you and you left! You just forgot everything!"

Barry looked at her deeply confused. "Forgot? Iris, what are you _taking_ about?"

Iris looked at him panicked, as she realized what she'd said.

Barry saw the pure fear in her eyes and it honestly scared him. She was keeping far more from him than he realized. "Iris, what are you talking about?"

Iris spun around and bolted out of the room, ignoring Barry yelling for her to come back.


	6. I can't see you anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris confronts Eddie.  
> Barry confronts Iris.

Chapter 6

 

 

"Where have you been?!" Eddie demanded harshly as he saw Iris run into their room, closing the door behind her. "Why did you take off like that?"

"We have to talk," Iris said, forcing her voice to sound strong.

"You're damn right we do!" Eddie snapped. "What makes you think you can just take off on me whenever you fucking feel like it?!"

"You hurt me, Eddie!" Iris cried out angrily. "You can't keep..."

Eddie glared at her, stepping closer to her, nearly caging her against the door. "I can't keep, _what_?"

As intimidated as Iris felt with Eddie standing so close to her, practically in her face, she still felt the need to stay strong.

"I won't be treated this way!" Iris shouted. "This is over."

"Oh!" Eddie laughed bitterly as his fist struck the wood next to her face and she screamed in fear. "So, how bad is it that I treat you, huh Iris? I've been good to you, I've loved you, taken care of you. I came to this dead-end college with you cause for whatever reason it's where _you_ wanted to go! I've bent over fucking backwards to make you happy! And what have you done for me, huh?! You make me angry! You hurt me! You go off and fuck that pretty boy Barry!"

Iris's eyes flashed angrily at him. "I told you, I _never_..."

"Stop fucking lying!" Eddie yelled. "Now you're trying to break up with me?! You really think _I'm_ just gonna let that happen?"

Iris breathed deeply, his words scaring her. "You don't have a choice. I don't _want_ to be with you anymore. I'm done."

Eddie chuckled bitterly. "You think you get to just be done?" He hauled off and punched her in the face and she cried out. "You're done, when I say you are. And what? You think you're just gonna go off and be with Barry?!"

"No!" Iris snapped, blinking back tears. "I don't want him either!" She wanted Barry, he just didn't want her. She reserved the right to be angry with both of them. "The two of you both have something in common. You both lie! You make promises and than just conviently forget you ever made them! So, no Eddie. I'm not leaving you for Barry. I'm leaving you for _me_."

Eddie just smiled. "I don't think you're going to do that, Iris. I was there _all_ of that time when Barry wasn't."

"What's your point?" Iris shot back.

"I'll tell Barry everything that you don't want him to know. By the time I'm done, Barry will never speak to you again." Eddie explained smugly. He knew Iris well enough to know that while she may be talking a good game about being mad at him, yet at the same time would never be able to bare Barry being mad at her.

Iris sighed. She was tired. Really tired. Barry was eventually going to figure everything out. She had grown incredibly tired of lying and making things up. If it was to be, than it would.

"Tell him." She was calling him on his bluff. "Tell him everything that I've kept from him. Tell him the truth about the baby and the miscarriage." Iris smirked at him. "Oh but wait, you won't do any of that."

Eddie glared at her. "Why the hell wouldn't I?!"

"Because while Barry may hate me for all of the lies and the secrets...he will _really_ hate you when finds out the role that you played in all of it. You know, how you killed..."

"You shut the fuck up!" Eddie roared. "You really don't wanna test me!"

"No," Iris shot back angrily. "you really don't wanna test _me_! Now, this is over and so are we. You need to back off."

Iris grabbed her bag she had packed while he had been in classes and opened the door and left, but didn't miss what he yelled after her.

"I find out you're with that pretty boy, I'll kill him! I'll fucking kill him!"

Iris hurried as far away from that room as she could.

She couldn't go to Barry. Things were already weird with them with the way she had bolted out out of his door already.

There was only one other alternative place she could go.

She was several doors down when she came to the only other place she could.

She knocked on the door and the door opened.

"Iris," A blonde girl said her name in surprise, while also looking her over in concern. "what happened to your face? Are you ok?"

"Hi, Caitlin. Yeah, I'll be fine." Iris softly answered. "Do you think...would it be alright if I stayed here for like a few days or so?"

Caitlin smiled at her warmly. "Yeah of course. Come on in..."

***

A week later, Iris was at the library on campus, studying.

She didn't know what she was going to do, how she was gonna just never talk to Barry again. They'd been friends forever and she loved him. Things were just awkward and she really didn't wanna test Eddie's threat. The last thing she wanted was Barry getting hurt just for being around her.

She'd been dodging Barry all week and she knew that he would eventually seek her out to find out what was up. She just didn't know what she was going to tell him.

She was still lost in her thoughts when she looked up and saw Barry sitting across from her. "Barry, hey…" She said in surprise.

"What's going on, Iris?" Barry asked in concern.

"What do you mean?" Iris asked, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Come on, Iris. Don't play dumb with me, it doesn't suit you. You've been avoiding me all week." Barry stated. "Look, I'm sorry about how last week played out. I shouldn't have been so hard on you. I'm just...I'm worried about you, Iris. I am so worried _for_ you." He looked at her in concern, she was looking anywhere but at him. "You bolted out of my room so fast. It bothers me how angry you got, how angry you seemed to be with me. What are you so convinced that I've forgotten about? I really need you to give me an answer."

Iris looked around and noticed a few of Eddie's friends were several tables over. If they saw her with Barry, they'd tell Eddie for sure.

"Iris," Barry raised his voice slightly, taking incredible offense at how rude she was being, that she wouldn't even talk to him. "what is going on? Why won't you talk to me?"

Iris felt tears sting her eyes. She couldn't give him an answer. Certainly not one that wouldn't completely piss him off and make him hate her forever. And she just didn't know if she could keep lying. "I'm really sorry, Barry. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this."

Barry looked at her in confusion. "Do, what? What are you talking about?"

"I can't...I _can't_ be here with you. We can't be seen together, okay? Eddie doesn't know and..." Iris trailed off. She knew how pathetic that made her sound.

Barry scoffed. "What? You gotta tell Eddie every little thing you do now? You have to get permission from him in order to hang out with me? Iris, listen to yourself. Listen to how insane this all is. The girl I used to know, wouldn't take one second of his crap."

A lone tear rolled down Iris's face. "Yeah, well the girl you used to know wouldn't have done alot of things. I've changed, okay? You left and I had to deal with life on my own and than shit happened."

"Like what?" Barry demanded. "What is so damn bad that you feel like you have to stay with that bastard? Don't feed me that bull shit about being in love with him. I look at you, Iris and I do not see a girl in love. I see a girl in prison with shackles to her feet. Now, tell me what the hell happened to you?!"

"Barry, I can't do this. If you're not gonna go, than I will." Iris grabbed her books and stood up to leave, but Barry grabbed her arm in a gentle and firm grip.

"So, what? Now, you can't get away from me fast enough?" Barry said in a hurt tone. "Cause that's not the way it was yesterday. In fact, yesterday I couldn't get you to let go of me. You said that you felt safe with me and that you _needed_ me." He looked at her intensely. "You said you needed me when I left. You also said you were pregnant _before_ I left. Alot of that isn't adding up, Iris. You weren't even dating anyone then. So either you were lying to me last week or you had some random one night stand which I know for a fact you never would've done then. So which is it?"

"Barry, please..." Iris cried softly. If he kept looking at her like that, kept talking to her like that...she'd never be able to do this. "Don't do this. I can't..." She finally just broke down with one piece of honestly. "I can't tell you anything that won't wind up making you hate me."

Barry glared at her in annoyance. "Iris, I'm really sick of this. I'm really sick of the secrets and answers that make no sense, and refusing to tell me the truth about anything. I thought you had more faith, more trust in me ...in us than to do what you've been and continue to keep doing."

"You kissed me and you told me that you loved me and wanted to be with me." Barry continued on. "Than, not five seconds later you took it all back and said you wanted Eddie. You know what, Iris? I don't buy it."

"Well, that's your problem, isn't it? I can't help what you do or don't buy!" Iris stated strongly. "I want Eddie and I love Eddie. And this...would upset him and hurt him. I can't see you anymore."

Barry dropped her arm hurt. He felt his heart break at her words. "So, what? We can't talk anymore? We can't be friends anymore? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I can't see you anymore. I'm saying I won't." Iris admitted softly.

Deep hurt showed in Barry's eyes as tears stung the back of them. "I see," He replied softly.

Iris hated herself for the hurt she'd just put in his eyes. "Bear, please...it's not..."

"You know, what? Since we're no longer friends, maybe you should call me by my actual name. It's Barry, by the way." He interrupted her harshly. "You should also take your books and go sit somewhere else."

"God, Barry please!" Iris cried. "You don't understand." She was trying to protect him. Everything she had ever done had been to protect him.

"I think I do. He's really got a hold on you in the worst way." Barry replied, looking her over in deep disappointment. "You've known him for what? A fucking year?" His eyes once again hardened as he stared deeply into her troubled eyes. "You and I have known each other for almost ten! Ten fucking years, Iris, and you're throwing me away for him!"

"It's not like that, Barry." Iris's voice broke as she knelt down and buried herself in his chest, but his arms did not wrap around her like they usually did. "Please...don't be mad at me. I need you to forgive me. Please, Barry...forgive me..."

It was a hard struggle for Barry to not wrap his arms around her and carry her away from this place...away from Eddie's influence. He couldn't though. He couldn't rescue her, she had to rescue herself. Until she saw what Klaus was doing, there was no help for her.

"Iris," Barry said softly. He had his hand softly running through her dark hair as he gave in and clutched her close to him. He had to blink back tears at the thought of just stepping away, but it's what he had to do. He had to use tough love. She needed to start making choices on her own. "you have no idea how much this kills me."

"Barry," Iris cried into his shoulder as she kept her arms wrapped around his neck tightly. "I don't know what to do. I need you to forgive me. I can't stand the idea of you never forgiving me for this, for _everything_ I've done..."

Tears rolled down Barry's face. "I can't tell you what to do, Iris." He choked out roughly. "God," He rasped. "do you have any idea how much it fucking _kills_ me that you would choose to be with someone who hurts you then to be wi…" He cut himself off. "I can't keep rescuing you, Sweetheart. You've gotta rescue yourself and make the choices that are right for you."

"Barry, please!" Iris cried. "What do you mean? You act like there's someone else I could be with."

Barry placed a kiss against her hair. "There is. You just don't see it yet. You know what terrifies me? I'm starting to believe that you'll never see it."

Barry gently untangled himself from her as he held her at an arm's length. "As for my forgiving you….that'll come once you dump his sorry ass. Because the only thing standing between us right now is him." With that, he got up and walked away from her and out of the library.

Iris whimpered as tears streamed down her face.

She knew that she should probably just let him go, but for selfish reasons she just couldn't.

She needed him.

She loved him.

She grabbed her books and took off out of the library and after Barry.


	7. I want you to be with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris confesses to Barry.

Chapter 7

 

Iris ran to Barry's door and opened it, barging in, shutting the door behind her.

Barry was sitting at his desk and looked up at her in shock. "You don't knock anymore?"

"I _have_ to talk to you." Iris said breathlessly.

"You know, you sure do know how to give a guy mixed signals Iris." Barry retorted. "Not one hour ago, you told me that you couldn't see me anymore and now here you are, telling me you have to talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Bear." Iris whispered painfully. "I'm so sorry."

Barry nodded. "Yeah, you keep saying that Iris. But that doesn't make me feel any better."

"I know," Iris sighed. "and I'm sorry for that as well."

"I still don't get to have you in my life. Do you even know how much it fucking hurts me that you would just cut me out?" Barry glared at her sharply. "I would _never_ do that to you!"

"I know!" Iris yelled back, and took a moment to calm down. She shouldn't have yelled at him. He had every right in the world to be pissed with her. "I don't...I don't want to cut you out, Barry. I never did and I'm...I'm not going to. I was wrong, okay?" She walked closer to him. "I was wrong. I've _been_ wrong."

"You're changing your mind?" Barry asked skeptically as she nodded. "Just like that, huh? What about Eddie? What about how much you'd be _hurting_ him?!" He stressed sarcastically.

"This isn't about him." Iris replied softly. "Although I never wanted to hurt him.."

She didn't love who he had become, she loved who he used to be with her. She loved the void that he'd filled for her when Barry had left. It had always been Barry for her though.

Barry clenched his jaw in frustration. "Iris, why don't you just get the hell out of here?"

Iris's face crumpled. "What?"

Barry nodded in affirmation, refusing to look into her broken eyes because if he did they would be his undoing as they always were. "Get out of my room, Iris."

Iris covered her eyes as she shook her head. "I can't,"

"Sure, you can. Just walk your ass to the two steps over to my door and exit the same way you fucking came!" Barry snapped at her.

Iris let out a small sob. "Why are you being so mean?!"

" _I'm_ being mean?" Barry laughed bitterly. "I'm giving you what you want! You said you can't see me anymore. You said you love Eddie and you can't lose him. I'm the fucking expendable one here, right Iris?! So, just go! Get out and go be with him!"

"Barry," Iris whimpered painfully. "please don't be angry with me."

Barry sighed. "I'm not, okay? I'm not angry with you. I'm just disappointed. Iris, you can't keep doing this to me. You can't keep running back and forth from him to me. You can't tell me you want nothing to do with me one second, and barge in my room the next. Okay? You just...you _can't_ do it." His heart couldn't take it.

"I'm sorry," Iris said softly.

Barry groaned. "God, stop saying you're sorry! Okay?" He ran a hand roughly through his hair. "You can tell me you're sorry, five thousand times and at the end, all it is an empty word. They're empty, Iris! They're meaningless until you show me that you actually are."

"That's why I'm here," Iris replied. "I have to tell you..." Barry looked at her expectantly. "Barry, I..." She trailed off. For some reason, she was having a really hard time forming the words she wanted to say to him.

"I have to go." Barry spoke after a few minutes of Iris saying nothing. And he really did. He had to get away from her before he lost every resolve he had and pulled her into his arms. "If you wanna stay, stay. I...I can't do this anymore."

"Barry..." Iris whispered.

"No," Barry said firmly. "I have to go. When you actually do have your mind made up, than come back."

She did have her mind made up. She did know what she wanted, she was just having a hard time getting it out. She was scared he'd reject her like last time. "Where are you going?"

"I have a date with Patty." Barry was surprised by how easily that lie came out. Like he'd ever date her, he just needed an honest reaction out of Iris. Something that wasn't facilitated by Eddie and his lies.

A flicker of anger flashed in Iris's eyes. "You're going out with her? You know she's a total, skank right?"

That wasn't quite what he was hoping for. "I'll see you later," Barry turned to open the door when he suddenly felt her hand grabbing his.

"Barry, please don't go." Iris pleaded.

"Iris…" Barry said softly.

"You can't go out with her. You can't!" Iris shrieked.

Barry felt a small smile tugging at the corners of his face. "Why?"

"Because," A few tears entered Iris's eyes.

Barry looked deeply into her tear-filled eyes. "Because, why?" He pressed.

"Because!" Iris cried out.

Barry gently took her face in his hands. "Because, _why_?" He repeated more insistently.

Iris's lower lip was trembling as a tear made it's way down her face. Her voice was filled with emotion as it cracked. "You know why, Barry. Don't make me say it."

Barry gently wiped away a few of her tears. "I need to hear you say it, Sweetheart."

"I don't want you with Patty anymore than you want me with Eddie." Iris whispered.

Barry leaned his forehead against hers. "I don't want you hurt."

Iris half smiled as she felt his breath against her cheek. "Is that the only reason?"

Barry laughed softly. "No. That's not the only reason. If it were, than I just would've called your dad." Iris lightly chuckled. "I don't want you with Eddie. I don't want you with...I don't want you with anyone that's not me."

She suspected it after what he'd said to her in the library about her choosing to be with him instead of someone else but just hearing him say it…

"But," Iris replied in a stunned voice. "you said I was your family."

Barry gently kissed her forehead. "You were. You were for the longest time, but you grew up right before my eyes, Iris. Than somewhere, between you showing up at this school and watching you with Eddie...you became more. I think you always had been more, I just couldn't see it. I was afraid to see it."

"Why?" Iris asked confused.

"Because I am older than you and because I couldn't bare it if I ever hurt or disappointed you." Barry confessed. "You are my family and you are my best friend. And if we were to become more and I screwed it up, I couldn't handle it if I lost you completely."

"So, we've both been lying." Iris said softly and she felt a strange comfort as it sunk in that she wasn't alone in feeling like she wasn't good enough.

Barry chuckled gently. "Yeah, I guess we have. I still need to hear you tell me, Iris."

Iris half smiled. "Not gonna let me out of it that easily, huh?"

Barry chuckled as he gently ran his fingers through her soft hair. "No way, West." He softly smiled at her.

Iris nodded, a small smile on her lips. "I uh...I don't want you with Patty..."

"You're not gonna steal my line, are you?" Barry raised his eyebrow at her. "Cause I've decided that you can't. It's a rule."

Iris chuckled. "No, I'm not stealing lines. I...I don't want you with her because..." She trailed off to look into his eyes.

She looked into his caring eyes that were reflecting back everything she'd wanted to see for so long and everything she'd been ignoring seeing.

"Because, why?" Barry gently, but seriously asked, his own eyes filled with an emotion she couldn't quite name, but could swear she knew what it was all the same.

"Because I want you to be with me," Iris choked out, tears spilling down her face as tears stung Barry's own ones. "There I said it!" She laughed through her tears. "I want you to be with me. I want you, I love yo-" She was cut off as she felt Barry's lips crash onto hers and felt herself being lifted up into his strong arms as they kissed.

After a few seconds, he pulled back and they were both breathless as their foreheads leaned in together.

"Wow," Iris breathed.

"Wow doesn't even cover it for me," Barry said softly, looking deep into her eyes. "I want you and I love you." He gently kissed her lips. "I'm so in love with you, Iris."

Iris smiled as she crashed her lips back onto his and they kissed intensely and passionately.

Iris pulled back a couple seconds later, her hand against his chest. "I'm sorry, Barry but I'm not-"

"Hey, shhh." Barry shook his head and gently kissed her lips. "I will _never_ push you for anything that you're not ready for, okay?"

Iris nodded, tears stinging her eyes. Why hadn't she just told him the truth from the start? Why had she let everything get so messed up?

"Hey, what is it?" Barry gently wiped away a tear that had fallen down her face. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"I'm not with Eddie anymore." Iris confessed softly. "I left him a week ago, the day I bolted out of your room. I went to Caitlin. I just couldn't see you..."

Barry looked at her stunned and a little hurt. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me back there that you were still with him? I don't understand, Iris..."

"I couldn't go to you." Iris whispered softly. "After what I said, I knew it was only a matter of time before you figured everything out. Eddie said he'd tell you everything and I couldn't bare the idea of you finding out from him. I couldn't bare you finding out at all and just _hating_ me."

"Iris," Barry softly murmured as he gently touched her cheek. "I could _never_ hate you. You need to trust me. You can tell me anything, you always can. You always could."

"He also said he'd kill you." Iris continued. "I didn't want you getting hurt just for being with me..."

Barry sighed. "Iris, I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself. I am not afraid of Eddie." There was a trace of annoyance in his voice.

"I…." Iris breathed deeply. "I've made such a mess of my life, Barry. Not just with you, it started the moment you left."

Barry sighed with regret. "I'm so sorry I left you. I never dreamed that you would get involved with someone like him. I…Iris, I always thought that you would call me. Why? Why didn't you just call me?"

"Because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me like you are right now." Iris admitted. "I couldn't bare it.."

"Iris, I have been disappointed in your actions." Barry corrected her. "It's only because I know you deserve better. I know you _are_ better. You're better than what I've seen of you lately. The girl I know would've dropped him after the first hit."

Iris pulled out of his arms. "I told you, Barry...I'm not the same girl you used to know. When I tell you…God, when I tell you what started all of this you're not gonna want anything to do with me ever again."

Barry immediately shook his head as he rushed back over to her, enclosing his arms around her. "No. You have to stop thinking that way, okay? I know that it's hard because of him. I know what he did to you and I can only imagine the things he's said, put into your head but I need you to block them out." He felt his heart break at the tears that were streaming down her face. "He's not here, baby. He's not here. It's just you and me. I need you to be you and just tell me."

"Barry," Iris whimpered. "you're gonna hate me."

"No," Barry instantly said. "I won't. I have never and could _never_ hate you. I love you, I always have. Just tell me what has you so scared. Whatever it is, we'll fight him together, okay? You're not alone anymore."

Iris nodded. "I told you that I was pregnant. I lost her. I lost her because…" She choked back a sob. "Barry, it was my fault. I made him angry…"

Barry's eyes darkened. "He…Eddie killed your baby?" Man was he going to kill that bastard. He was going to kill him for every tear he'd ever made Iris shed.

Iris nodded tearfully. It was the first time she was actually admitting to herself, to anybody of what had really happened. "He…Oh my God, he killed _our_ baby, Barry." She saw the confusion in his eyes. "The baby that I was carrying…it was yours. I was pregnant with your baby."


	8. The night before Barry left for college

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris tells Barry everything about that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to be on vacation for like a week. So I'm probably not going to be able to add another chapter until I get back. So hope you guys understand and enjoy this one :)

Chapter 8

 

 

  
"Mine?" Barry blinked a couple times and shook his head. "Iris, that's _impossible_."

Iris shook her head. "You never did remember, did you?" She felt a stab of hurt but she couldn't really blame him. He had consumed a lot of alcohol that night.

"Remember, what? Iris, I…" Barry lightly chuckled. "I really, _really_ think I would remember sleeping with you."

"It was the night of your graduation. You'd had this big party to celebrate, remember?" Iris prompted him.

"Yeah, I remember throwing it." Barry recalled. "I don't remember being _present_ for it though. I got really trashed that night…" His eyes went wide. "No," He said slowly. "you weren't there." She nodded tearfully. "You couldn't have been! I invited you but your parents said you couldn't come. Looking back on it, that was a good idea. It was no place for you."

"I wanted to come." Iris stated. "It would be the last night that I could hang out with you before you left. I didn't care what my parents thought, I snuck out my window and I came over."

"But I don't remember seeing you there." Barry said still in deep confusion. Jesus. How drunk was he?

"You were pretty drunk by the time I got there." Iris admitted. "You don't remember me helping you upstairs?"

Barry shook his head. His mind completely blank. He didn't remember interacting with her at all. "That's how I got upstairs? I wondered why I hadn't passed out on the couch…I still don't understand. So, what? We were both wasted and ended up in bed together?"

Iris shook her head. " _I_ wasn't wasted, you were. I never even had a drink. I was going to but I saw you and you seemed sad."

Barry reached out and took Iris's hand. "Come sit down with me. I want you to tell me everything."

Iris nodded and followed Barry to his bed and sat down beside him. "I showed up at your house and everyone was pretty much gone. I'd wanted to get there earlier but I had to sneak out so I had to wait til my parents were asleep…"

  
_"Bear?"_

_Barry was sitting on the stairs with his nearly empty glass._

_Iris made her way over to him and knelt down in front of him. "Barry, are you alright?"_

_Barry looked up at her in surprise. His vision was blurry and he had to do a double take. "Iris…wow I must be **really** lit."_

_Iris chuckled. "You **are** really lit, but I'm really here."_

_Barry shook his head in confusion, man his head felt heavy. "But your…your sti….stick in the mud parents think I'm a bad influence. They didn't want you here."_

_Iris looked at him in amusement. "When have I ever listened to my 'stick in the mud' parents?"_

_Barry gave a wry smile. "Never. In fact your stub..stub…"_

_Iris grinned. "Stubbornness?"_

_"Yeah, your stubbornness is exactly why I had to rescue your stubborn ass." Barry finally got out._

_Iris looked at him in confusion before her recognition took over. "Oh, right. Violet Rhines."_

_Barry's eyes went desperate as he grabbed her hands, pulling her into his lap. "Don't…you have to…"_

_"What?" Iris asked softly, her hands coming to rest against his chest._

_"I'm drunk as fuck right now," Iris chuckled lightly. She had never seen him this drunk before. He never talked like this. "but tomor…tomor…tomorrow I'm going away and I won't be able to…" His eyes went soft as his hands came around to cup her face. "protect you anymore."_

_"Barry." Iris whispered softly. "it's not your job to protect me."_

_Barry shook his head vigorously. "Yes, it is. You're young and naïve and…"_

_Iris snorted and untangled herself from him. "I'm not some child you have to coddle and protect." She rolled her eyes. "Jesus, you're as bad as my fucking father, you both wanna protect some fragile doll."_

_Iris turned away from him with a mixture of hurt, anger and annoyance. Annoyance that he still saw her as some kid he had to take care of._

_"You're angry at me." Barry said sadly._

_Iris turned back around, swiping away at her tears. "No, I'm hurt, Barry. I'm hurt, okay?! You sit there and you talk about all these 'bad guys' out there just waiting to hurt me, when you hurt me all of the damn time! I'm just some obligation you have to fulfill! Take care of the child, right?!"_

_"No." Barry shook his head as he stood up. "Woah, head rush." He staggered his way toward her and gripped her waist for support. "You're not my obligation."_

_Iris turned her head away, tears stinging her eyes. "Yeah, right."_

_"You're not." Barry insisted, he turned her face back to his tenderly. "You're my everything."_

_Iris looked at him shocked before quickly chuckling nervously. "Okay, I think that's the liquor talking." She started to move away from him but he gripped her more tightly._

_"It's not." Barry whispered. "It's me, talking. Drunk as I am, could never drink away my love for you."_

_"You…you **love** me?" Iris cried. "As in the more than family type?"_

_Barry gently chuckled. "Oh, trust me I'd be in lockdown if I ever thought of any of my family the way I think of you."_

_Iris reached up and cupped Barry's face in her hands, bringing him down to her level. Their lips were merely a breath apart. "Barry, I…" Her words died when he crashed his lips to hers._

_Iris whimpered against his lips, her arms coming up to settle around his neck._

_Barry's hands came right around the back of her legs just above her ass. He lifted her up in his arms. "Wrap your legs around me." He said huskily._

_Iris did as she was told and groaned as she felt his hardness pressed right against her wet crotch. "Bear," She moaned as his lips came in contact with her neck and he pushed them against the wall for support. "God, Barry…I've…I've never…"_

_Barry pulled back to look into her eyes and rested his head against hers. "I know." He whispered gently. "Do you want to stop?" Guilt stabbed at his heart. What was he doing? As wasted as he was, he was hit with the realization that she was an innocent 17 year old girl who up until this moment had never done anything like this._

_Iris quickly shook her head. "No, please…don't stop. I want you." She nuzzled her face against his neck. "Always wanted you."_

_Barry grinned against her hair. Her words giving him more of a buzz than the alcohol ever could. "You've been waiting for me?" He said it as a joke but was about to find out the seriousness of it._

_Iris pulled back to look into his eyes. "Yes. I've never wanted anyone but you, Barry. Only you…"_

_Barry's eyes darkened. Her words filling him with a rush of desire. "You always thought of me that way? You want…only want me to be your first?"_

_"Yes, just you," Iris whispered as his lips came crashing back down onto hers._

_Barry's hand came up to rest at the hem of her white tank top. "You're sure?" He breathed against her lips._

_Iris nodded her consent. "Never been more sure of anything."_

_Barry lifted her top and Iris lifted her arms up but just as she did, Barry stopped. "What?" She asked._

_Barry shook his head. "Not…not here. I'm drunk but not…not gonna take you against this wall like…" He breathed deeply. "You're too special." He rasped out, his words slightly slurred. "Too special to me."_

_"Bear…" Iris sighed and laid her head against his chest. God, she loved him so much._

_Barry began walking them towards the stairs and he slightly looses his balance, almost falling down. "Maybe…maybe you should walk us."_

_Iris giggled amused. "No problem." She hopped down and put her arms around his waist, helping him up the stairs._

_Once they were in his room, he kicked the door shut and his hands were on her again as he gently pushed her back onto his bed._

_Barry lifted her top up and tossed it on the ground. He took in the sight of her half naked form. "You're so beautiful, Iris." He whispered softly._

_Iris smiled and reached for the button of his jeans._

_Once his jeans and boxers were off, he quickly lifted his shirt up over his head and tossed it aside with the rest of the clothing._

_Barry's hand touched the hem of her skirt. "You're still too clothed."_

_Iris reached behind her to undo her bra, but his hand came around stilling hers._

_"I want…" Barry's hand came to the waist band of her skirt. "I want to undress you."_

_Iris smiled and nodded._

_Barry gently slid down her skirt along with her underwear, effectively removing them and tossing them aside. His hand reached down and rested against her folds._

_Iris moaned at just the feel of his hand touching her in the most intimate place._

_"Irs," He groaned as he moved his hand against her. "you're so wet. You're wet for me?"_

_Iris nodded, her eyes closing blissfully. "Yes. Just you, Barry."_

_"Open…open your eyes, baby." Barry whispered as he grabbed her leg and hooked it around his waist. His cock only a second away from plunging into her._

_Iris opened them, her hand reaching up to touch Barry's face. "Barry..."_

_"Tell me." Barry groaned as he rubbed himself against her wet heat._

_Iris moaned, she couldn't think straight….just having him so close against her. She'd never been so turned on before. This was everything she'd waited her whole life for. "Tell you, what?"_

_Barry teased her with his cock pushing lightly at her entrance and she moaned loudly, thrusting her hips up and he pushed her down. "I need to hear it, baby. Tell me you want me. Tell me you want this."_

_"I want you," Iris moaned. "I want you so much, Barry. Please…"_

_"I want you," Barry groaned as he reached and unhooked her bra, sliding it off of her. "more than anything."_

_He took her breast into his mouth, sucking on it and Iris moaned, gripping his head to her. Barry placed a kiss in the middle of her breasts. He brought her other leg to hook around his waist. "God, Iris…oh, tell me you're mine." He groaned._

_"I'm yours, Barry." Iris moaned as she felt him grip her hips. "Just yours."_

_"And you're sure?" Barry asked again._

_"Yes, Barry. I'm so sure. Please, make love to me." Iris whispered._

_Barry groaned and thrusted himself inside of her almost roughly but he slowed it. As drunk as he was, he was still mindful of the fact that she was a virgin and that this would be painful for her._

_Iris cried out at the sharp pain she felt from her hymen breaking._

_At her cry, Barry immediately stopped. "Baby, are you okay?"_

_"It hurts, Barry." Iris whimpered._

_"I know, baby. I know it does." Barry gently kissed her lips. "I can…it'll get better." He looked at Iris, tears were streaming down her face. "Do you want…I'll stop." No matter how much he wanted her, hurting her was never gonna be an option for him._

_Iris looked up at him stunned. "You would…you would stop?"_

_Barry snorted. What kind of bastard did she think he was? "I may be wasted but I don't get gratification out of forcing you to continue with something that is hurting you so much."_

_Barry looked into her eyes as an awful thought struck him. "You don't think…you know I'll stop if that's what you want, right? You know that I would never…" He couldn't even say the word. It was just unthinkable._

_"No, hey…" Iris kissed him. "I don't think that. Not ever. I know you're not that kind of guy. You've never been anything but protective of me and you make me feel so safe."_

_"You make me…" Barry kissed her neck. "You make me want to live. You make me want to be better…better for you."_

_Iris felt her heart melt even more. "You are. You're more than better. Barry, I still want this. Please….you can keep going."_

_Barry grips her hips again. "If I hurt you…"_

_"I'll tell you, I promise." Iris whispered._

_Barry thrusted into her again, this time more slowly._

_"Mmmm, Bear." Iris moaned. "Oh God, you feel so…"_

_"Do you feel good, baby?" Barry groaned against her neck._

_"Amazing," Iris moaned. "God, Barry…"_

_"Sit up with me," Barry said softly. "I wanna try something."_

_Curious, Iris let him pull her up to a sitting position with him and she groaned as she felt him going deeper inside of her. "Barry.."_

_"Keep your legs wrapped around me like that, baby." Barry said softly. "Put your arms around my neck." She did and his arms wrapped around her, pulling her even tighter onto him. "Just…just ride with me."_

_And she did._

_She did ride with him._

_They rode until they'd both had their orgasms and until they were too spent to do anymore._

  
"Barry?" Iris asked, bringing them both back to the present.

"Yeah?" Barry looked dazed. Holy shit. All that had really happened?! It hadn't just been some alcohol induced dream?

"Is any of this coming back to you?" Iris asked hopefully. "Do you remember being with me at all?"

Barry nodded slowly. "Yeah, I remember all of it." He turned to look at her, his expression was unreadable to her. "I mean, I remember you coming over and I remember taking you upstairs and making love to you."

Iris smiled and reached over to kiss him, but he stopped her.

"I also remember waking up by myself and being convinced that all of that had to be some kind of dream induced by all the alcohol I'd consumed. I remember thinking to myself that none of that could have happened because you were nowhere to be found." Barry looked at her with a hurt expression.

Iris sighed deeply. "Bear, I…" She hadn't stayed with him. She got scared and she bolted like she always seemed to do with him. It had been her own insecurities that sober him couldn't possibly want her.

"I also remember meeting you and you seeing me off the day after. You never said one word about that night. You acted like…like it had never happened, leading me to believe that it had never and could _never_ have happened." Barry interrupted her in a hard tone. "Why? Why, Iris? Didn't our night mean anything to you?"

"It meant _everything_ to me!" Iris cried, tears falling down her face uncontrollably. "That was the best night of my life, Barry!"

"Than, why the fuck didn't you stay and wake up with me?!" Barry yelled. Anger, confusion and hurt filled his tone. "Why did you disappear in the middle of the night like you were just a one night-" The anger disappeared from his eyes as a thought struck him and he looked at her softly. "Is that…is that what you thought that was? Did you think that was just some hook up for me before I left for college?"

"You were drunk." Iris cried. "After…after it was over, you just passed out. You passed out, Barry!" She sobbed. "I kept trying to wake you up and I couldn't! You'd rolled over away from me and I…I don't know, okay?! I thought that maybe it was a signal that I should just leave, so I did!"

"Oh, Iris." Barry shook his head, disgusted with himself. "God, I wish I hadn't been so drunk. I'm so sorry, but you still should've stayed. We could've resolved everything when I woke up."

"I thought we could resolve everything when we met up, when I went to see you off." Iris replied. "I prodded you about the party. I asked you if something…"

Barry sighed. "If something memorable happened. Yeah, I remember. God, everything is so clear now. I can't believe…I can't believe that I left you here. That I left you here to think about how you had sex for the first time with someone who didn't even remember it!"

"I should've said something." Iris whispered. "I should've just been strong enough to confront you with it, but I was too scared of you either saying you didn't remember or you saying that it meant nothing."

"I would've _never_ said that to you!" Barry groaned in frustration. "I was in love with you even back then! Hell, if you'd said something I probably would've never left!" He sighed and turned to her. "I convinced myself that it was a dream. Now, that I know that it wasn't, I need to apologize to you."

Now Iris was shocked. "For what, Barry? You couldn't have known how I'd interpret things."

Barry shook his head. "Not the morning after. Although, I am so sorry that you felt that way. I'm sorry for the night. I'm sorry for how rough I was with you. I hurt you. I was so drunk and I wanted you so bad that I just took you. Even worse, I coerced you into letting me continue. That must've been so awful for you. I…" He breathed in deeply, the disgust for himself just rising. "I practically raped you. I'm no better than Eddie."


	9. Why didn't you tell me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Iris discuss the real reason she kept her pregnancy a secret.

Chapter 9

 

 

  
"Barry," Iris gasped. "how can you _say_ that?" That couldn't truly be how he saw things, could it? The idea broke her heart.

"How can I not?" Barry returned softly, his tone dark with self loathing. "I wanted you and almost _nothing_ was gonna stop me from having you."

" _Almost_ nothing, Barry." Iris pointed out. "Almost. That's the difference. You asked me several times that night if I wanted to stop. You asked me when you were inside me and you saw that it hurt me." She wiped away her tears. "Eddie _never_ asked me what I wanted. He just took it."

Barry clenched his fists at that. He knew deep down what had happened with that bastard. The signs were all there, he just needed her to confirm it. Confirm it so he could go kill him.

"That day that you ran into my arms and you were topless…" Barry breathed deeply. "He raped you, didn't he?"

Iris nodded silently, the tears entering her eyes once more. She couldn't lie anymore, not to him. Not ever again.

"I swear to God I will kill him." Barry said quietly. His rage so close to taking over but he still needed to know everything and he needed to make sure she was ok.

Iris quickly looked up in alarm. "No, you won't!" She couldn't have that. She couldn't have Barry throwing himself into a crazy amount of trouble just for her.

"You've been lying to me." Barry said with roughness and hurt. "You let me leave thinking our night together was nothing but a dream. You never even _tried_ to tell me that there was a baby! You just…you took up with Eddie!"

Deep down, Barry knew it wasn't exactly like that but right now he was hurt and so very pissed off. Pissed off because he knew just how likely it was that if one thing between them had gone different sometime before he had left none of this most likely would've happened. Maybe she still would've had the miscarriage even if he'd stayed, but at least he would've been there to go through the loss with her. She wouldn't have been alone and he would've taken care of her the way he had their entire lives.

"It wasn't like that." Iris said quietly, her tone laced with hurt. She couldn't blame him one bit for what he was feeling though. She had handled it all wrong. "It's not like you left and than I just got with him. I can see that that's what you're thinking and you are wrong. I would've never gotten with someone who I believed could've hurt my… _our_ baby with such malice and violence."

"Why didn't you call me?" Barry demanded. He needed an answer for that, a real one. This just went so far beyond anything he thought she would've ever kept from him. "I had a right to know that you were carrying _our_ baby, Iris!"

"Jesus, I know Barry!" Iris snapped. "I know, okay? I know that I dealt with everything the wrong way and I should've called you!" She took a breath and calmed down. She reminded herself that the only one who truly had the right to be upset here was Barry. "The only reason I didn't was because I was so sure that you didn't remember our night together. I didn't want to cause you any problems."

Barry glared at her. When was she gonna understand what she was to him?

He would never understand why she had such a hard time believing she was worth caring for. He some of that had to stem from her mother constantly being in and out of her life but he had always tried to be there for her. He had always tried to make sure she knew just how worth everything she was.

"You were never and could _never_ be a problem for me!" He sighed. "God, Iris if you just would've called me…"

"And what?" Iris threw back. "Destroyed your future?"

Barry felt the pain of his own words coming back at him. The very words he threw at her when she had told him she had been pregnant. It was before he had known any of the details...but those words haunted him now. "Suppose I deserved that."

Iris's eyes softened and she shook her head. "You didn't deserve _any_ of this, Bear. I made my mess and believe it or not I did try to get out of it."

"Iris, just…just tell me what happened." Barry grabbed her hand in his. "Please."

"When my parents found out that I was pregnant, they kicked me out." Iris admitted as she began.

Barry turned to her sharply. "They, _what_?!"

He might be surprised to hear her mother would do that, but Joe?! He really couldn't see Joe doing something like that. For all his faults, and they way they had never gotten along through his entire friendship with Iris...he had always believed he would take care of his own daughter.

Iris smiled sadly. "Can't come as that much of a shock to you, Barry. You know my mother. She wanted me to be perfect, being pregnant at 16 is definitely not perfect."

"But Joe..." Barry pointed out. "I can't see...you're telling me that Joe just kicked you out when he knew you were pregnant?"

Iris wouldn't meet his eyes.

Barry sighed. "Joe didn't know anything, did he? This was all her doing, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Iris nodded slowly, blinking back tears. "I mean she said that he already knew and wanted me gone but I didn't really believe he knew. I just...I just couldn't stand seeing him be disappointed me. I didn't...I just couldn't. So, I just left."

"I'm so sorry." Barry said softly. "I've always knew your mother was selfish, I just never realized she was downright cruel."

"I met Eddie and he was nice to me. He asked me out and in an attempt to just forget about you, I said yes." Iris told him softly.

Barry nodded. He really didn't like hearing any of this, but he needed to know. "Where did you go, Iris? And please…please tell me you didn't just move in with _him_." He said worriedly.

Iris shook her head. "Of course not. I stayed with Cynthia."

Barry snorted. "That's not really much better."

She may as well have told him she stayed at a bar with a sleeping bag. Cynthia wasn't a bad person but she made pretty reckless choices and in his opinion, spent way too much time drinking. He'd heard she was about to lose her scholarship over it.

Iris rolled her eyes. She knew Barry had never liked Cynthia. She knew he liked her even less after she had cheated on Cisco. "You may not like Cynthia because she's made some bad choices but she was really nice to-"

"Bad choices?!" Barry cut in incredulously. That girl was a train wreck. If he wasn't such good friends with Cisco he could probably find it in him to feel sorry for her. "Iris, you made some bad choices. Cynthia…" He sighed. "She's just screwed up, okay? That's me being nice, by the way."

Iris chuckled. "I'm not arguing that, but she was nice to me and she let me stay with her when I didn't have anywhere to go. I'll always consider her a friend for that."

Barry finally just nodded. Her being there for Iris when he didn't know he needed to be would definetely go a long way with him. "So will I."

"Eddie…like I said, he was nice to me at first." Iris continued. "He made me laugh and as I said…I was really _really_ lost without you, Bear. I know that it's not an excuse but…"

Barry gently took her hand in his, waving away any explanation she was about to make of how she felt. She didn't really owe that to him. He just wanted to understand what had happened. "Did you tell him about me?" He asked her softly.

Iris shook her head. "I never told anybody about you. When I thought about you, I almost couldn't breathe. So, forget about talking about you. Eddie eventually figured you out though."

Barry gently kissed her forehead. "How did he find out, Iris?"

"I was making a tape for you one day. It's always been easier for me to record my thoughts than write out a letter." Iris softly explained. "I had gathered courage one day and I was gonna tell you everything. Then he overheard me making the tape. He freaked out and I got scared. I just...I never sent it to you."

Barry looked at her confused. "Why wouldn't you send it to me? What scared you?"

"He scared me." Iris admitted, her voice was small and the tremor he caught in her voice made him want to tear out of here and beat the crap out of Eddie for all he had done to her, and for making her too scared to even go to him. "He completely flipped out when he found out about you. I was terrified he would find you and just drag you into my insanit--"

"Are you kidding me?!" Barry exploded. "You're actually gonna sit there and tell me that you were trying to spare me from your insanity? Do you mean the insanity where you slept with me but than decided to keep it a secret and let me think it never happened? Or is it where you were pregnant with _my_ baby and just decided that I didn't need to know?! The only insanity I've been dragged into that I would've loved to avoid by the way, was your lies!"

Iris's face crumpled and for a brief moment Barry regretted yelling at her. He knew what she'd been through. He shouldn't be screaming at her. "Bear, I am so sorry!" She cried out. "I just..."

"You just, what?" Barry softly asked. "I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around you lying to me like this. Before all of this, it's not something you ever did. I need you to make me understand, Iris."

"I was trying to protect you." Iris softly admitted, bracing herself for yet another angry reaction from him. She knew all to well how he felt about her taking risks for him. He liked it even less when he was kept in the dark about those risks.

However, she was surprised. Barry didn't even look so much as exasperated with her. He just looked confused.

"I'm sorry, Iris." Barry gently replied. "I don't understand. Protect me from, what?"

Iris breathed deeply. Did he really not understand? How could he not get it? "From my parents. From my father. I know my mother told him about my pregnancy..." She knew her father knew. He had left her many voicemails. She had just been too much of a coward to answer any of them.

Barry however still remained confused. "What about your parents? I assume your mother asked you how you _got_ pregnant…"

"I told her it happened at your party, since she obviously figured out that I went, but I didn't tell her that it was you I had sex with." Iris admitted. "I told her I was really drunk and that I didn't remember."

Barry groaned. She'd hurt herself more than anyone with these lies. "Why? Why would you…do that to yourself? Why would you just let everyone think that you were some kind of…?"

"Slut?" Iris supplied. She was almost desensitized to the term. She'd heard all the whispers that were said behind her back.

Barry groaned again. He'd always hated that word, it was so diminishing and very overused. "Why would you do it, Iris? You could've just told them the truth. You could've just told them that you had sex with me. Explain that _I_ was drunk…" He chuckled sarcastically. "Your parents would've had no problem believing that you were coerced."

"But I wasn't, Barry!" Iris yelled. "You did not manipulate or force me into doing anything with you that night. I wanted to. I _wanted_ you. And…are you forgetting that I was technically a minor when we hooked up? If I would've told my parents, my _father_ that it was you that I had sex with that night, he would've hit your ass with statutory rape charges so fast that it would've made both our heads spin!"

"That's why you lied?" Barry was stunned. "That's why you let me go and why you let your parents think that you just slept around? To protect me from rape charges?"

Iris nodded. "Of course. Bear, you had a brilliant future ahead of you. I was not gonna destroy it with my pregnancy nor with the possibility of you going to jail for knocking me up. It just seemed easier. I could take the heat, okay? I could take _anything_ knowing that you were having a great life."

Barry was overwhelmed with love for her, for what she'd done to protect him. While he didn't agree with it, he did have a better understanding of why she did what she did.

"I love you for putting me first like that, Iris. I do. As I've told you in the past though, you can't be putting everybody ahead of yourself. Sometimes you gotta think about you. That would've been one of those times." He couldn't believe she'd been this selfless.

Iris sighed. "That's what I'm doing now. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm telling you all of this. Choosing to leave Eddie and be with you, that _is_ putting me first. You're the first selfish choice I've made for myself in a really long time if ever."

Barry smiled softly and leaned over and kissed her tenderly. "What happened with Eddie?"

Iris frowned. "I was with him for about a month before his jealousy really kicked in. One day after he saw me talking to Cisco, he lost it. He grabbed me. I told him he was being ridiculous and that he needed to let go of me. He snapped and told me not to tell him what to do and shoved me to the ground."

Barry's jaw clenched in anger. "Did he know you were pregnant?" He hissed.

Iris nodded. "Of course he knew. The whole town knew. He apologized and swore that he was just under some stress, but I broke up with him. I had to put our baby first. He didn't seem to get that. I had to put out a restraining order. Which lasted for about four months. One day I was walking to my car after class and he was there."

Barry squeezed her hand to comfort her as much as calm himself. He was two seconds away from bolting out of here and killing that bastard. If Iris didn't need him, he would.

"He was so angry," Iris recalled quietly. "he was furious about the restraining order, furious with me for breaking up with him, and he was furious that I was putting a baby above him. I told him that my baby was the most important thing and until he got his shit straitened out, he couldn't be near either one of us."

Barry half smiled. He was proud of her. Proud of her for putting their baby first like that, but he had to wonder what had changed. Why had she been taking all of his crap?

"He accused me of calling him some kind of psycho and went off on me." Iris continued. "He shoved me…" She whimpered, tears streaming down her face. "He started hitting me and I…" She suddenly turned to Barry quickly. Her words came out almost desperately. "I tried, Barry! I tried to protect our baby, but he just kept kicking me and…" She broke off sobbing, remembering how much it hurt. How much it hurt to feel her baby dying inside of her.

Tears stung Barry's own eyes as he pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. "Shh, I know. Baby, I know." He kissed her head. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that that bastard killed our baby."

"I lost her, Bear." Iris sobbed quietly into his chest. "I was five months along and she wasn't strong enough. She was the only thing I had left of you and he killed her. He killed her because I loved her more than him, loved you more than him. I will never forgive myself for not protecting her enough. Worst of all, I'll never forgive myself for not telling you about her. I'm so sorry."

Barry shook his head. "Shh," He comforted her. "I think I understand now, okay? It's quite clear that no one is harder on themselves than you are. You made mistakes, you made bad choices, but baby who hasn't? Who hasn't? I know I have. You have to forgive yourself."

"I loved her so much, Barry." Iris cried. "I swear I was gonna tell you one day."

Barry held her a little tighter to him. "Shh, I know. I know. You did protect her. When you saw Eddie's abusive nature you cut him out. You put her first. You had no way of knowing that he would violate the restraining order." He lifted her face to meet his eyes. "Why, Iris? I don't understand…why did you go back to him? Why would you? He killed our baby. Why?"

Iris shook as sobs wracked her body. "I had nothing left, Barry. The baby was gone, you were gone. I felt like…I felt like maybe it was my punishment for…for lying to you, lying to everyone. Our baby died because of my lies."

Barry vehemently shook his head. "No, no. Our baby died because of that psycho! It's not your fault, Iris. It is not your fault. I swear I don't blame you and I do forgive you for not telling me. I understand your reasons."

Iris shook against him. She didn't deserve him or how kind he was being to her. "I hate myself."

Barry shook his head, his eyes anguished for her. "No, no. Never hate yourself."

"I do." Iris continued brokenly. "I hate myself for letting you leave, I hate myself for lying to you and I hate myself for letting him into my life so that he killed our baby! I wish I would've been stronger, I wish I never would've taken him back. I was just scared. I didn't think I could do any better, I didn't think I deserved you. Now, I know I don't."

"No, no." Barry shook his head, bringing his lips onto hers. "You deserve everything good that the world has to offer, Sweetheart. You deserve real love and you…you're worth so much more than me. You deserved so much more than that night between us. Do you…do you forgive me for not remembering? For not pushing hard enough to see if it really did happen and for leaving you all alone?"

Iris nodded. "There was never anything that I needed to forgive you for. That night…that night's the only reason I've been able to get through anything. Eddie's abuse would get so bad sometimes and you…you were all I ever thought of."

Barry gently pulled her onto him, so that she was sitting in his lap and he cradled her in his arms. "Sweetheart….was….was anything with him ever consensual?"

"I…" Iris buried her face against his neck.

"Hey," Barry said softly. "it's okay. You can tell me. I need you to tell me."

Iris pulled back to look into his warm caring eyes. "That day that I ran into you…no. It was rape. It was the worst that it had ever gotten with him…sexually anyway." Barry's eyes darkened as he griped her tighter to him protectively. "Other times…all together….I don't…I just don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?" There was no judgment or anger in his tone, just plain confusion. He didn't understand how she could not know if what he did to her was rape or not. "Iris...this is one of those things that is kind of black and white. You either wanted him all of those times or you didn't."

Iris shook slightly, wiping away a few stray tears. "I never said yes, Barry. I just…" She looked down ashamed. "I just never said no either."


	10. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry confronts Eddie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I've noticed there has been some concern about Iris and Barry's night together. True, Barry was drunk and Iris was not. True Iris was underage but Barry was not. There is some lines of wrong doing on Iris's part. But let me be clear Iris did not rape Barry. I take that kind of thing very seriously. I hope you guys are still enjoying the story!

Chapter 10

 

 

  
_"I never said yes, Barry.I just never said no either."_

Barry breathed deeply as he watched Iris sleeping in his bed. It had been a half hour since she'd confessed what had happened to their baby. He was thankful that she was sleeping, he knew she needed it and it gave him a chance to deal with his raging emotions.

Truthfully Barry was seriously thinking about walking out that door and tracking Eddie's abusive ass down.

One look at Iris's sleeping form, he knew he couldn't. He couldn't just leave her alone. What if she woke up and she was scared?

Barry shook his head.

He wasn't there for her when she was pregnant but he would be there for her now. _And Eddie would have his day_ , Barry silently vowed. _He'd have his day fucking soon._

Barry's eyes softened as he looked over at Iris.

He quietly made his way over to the bed and laid down next to her. He brought his arm around her head and rested his hand on top of her head. He leaned in close to her.

"You know," Barry said softly. "you could've told me anything." He gently places a kiss to her lips. "I would've came back for you, Iris." His voice was hushed and a lone tear rolls down his face. "I _love_ you."

Iris's peaceful features suddenly contorted into fear. "No," She whimpered. "don't. Get off."

"Iris," Barry gently shook her. "wake up."

"No, get off!" Iris cried in her sleep. "Barry…I'm not…he doesn't….not like…."

"Iris!" Barry said urgently, shaking her a little harder. He couldn't stand to see her suffering like this. Her cries were tearing him apart. "Baby, please wake up! You're safe, I promise."

Iris suddenly shot up with a scream.

"Iris.." Barry reached out to touch her shoulder and she flinched. He understood but it still broke his heart at the same time that his touch could ever evoke such a reaction. "Do you…? Are you…?"

"Remember the first day you showed up and Eddie and I were fighting?" Iris asked. There were no traces of tears or any emotion at all and that terrified Barry.

Barry wordlessly nodded.

"You stood up for me and Eddie ran off. I got…I was so _mad_ at you for making him leave." Iris continued. "I went after him even when you told me not to. I…" She turned to look at him tearfully. "I should've known better than to chase after him when he was like that. I…I was asking for trouble."

"You can't think that way." Barry quickly assured her. "You and I have had our share of fights, haven't we? How many times have you come after me when I was pissed?"

"All the time." Iris whispered.

Barry nodded. "I never hurt you."

And there had been times when he was so pissed, he was capable of hitting anything...but he was raised better than to ever place his hands on a woman. Even back then, Iris was his world, he would've cut his own arm off before he ever thought about causing her harm.

"Yeah, but you're not….I don't…." Iris breathed deeply. "I don't _always_ make you angry, Barry. I don't do things to you that…"

"Is that what he told you?" Barry interrupted her harshly. "Did he tell you that because you made him angry it gave him the right to touch you?"

Iris let out quiet shaking sobs.

Barry once again softened at her cries. "Iris?" There was silence, she didn't say anything but continued to quietly cry. He sighed. "Baby, please…would you please just talk to me?"

Iris suddenly launched herself at him, throwing herself into his arms and clinging to him tightly as her sobs came pouring out. It was much like the last time they'd been in this room and she'd talked about Eddie…Was she going to tell him the rest of that story?

Barry gently but fiercely held her back, letting her know that he was here for her.

"He was mad at me because I didn't go after him sooner and I told him I was sorry, I told him I tried!" Iris cried against him. "He said that it wasn't good enough and that I…that I was worthless!"

Barry's eyes darkened as he tightened his arms around her, his other hand coming up to hold her head against his chest. "You know that's not true, baby. You're worth everything." Eddie had torn her down so bad that Barry knew it was gonna take a long time to build her back up to who she once was.

"He threw a book at me and accused me of…he accused me of having sex with you behind his back! I said I wasn't and I said that you weren't into me like that, that we weren't like that, but he didn't believe me!" Her words were rushed as the sobs continued.

Barry was rubbing circles along her back in a soothing motion although the only thing he wanted to do was to let go of her and beat the hell out of Eddie. It was an ongoing struggle. His need to comfort Iris versus his need to pummel that bastard into next week.

"He said that I wanted you to be into me and he threw me onto the bed when I tried to leave." Iris let out. She wasn't even thinking about what she was saying, she was just saying it. "He was tearing….tearing at my clothes…he kept asking me if that was how you touched me….if that was how you…" She winced as she said the next word. "fucked me."

Barry was shaking with rage. Oh, he was gonna kill him. He'd make that piece of shit pay if it was the last thing he ever did. He wasn't gonna let this be like Violet Rhines no matter how much she begged him. Eddie was going to fucking pay for touching her like that.

"He kept demanding that I tell him how you fucked me and I kept saying that you didn't! I kept saying we weren't together, but that just made him more and more angry and he called me a liar! He…" Iris let out another choking sob. "Barry, he raped me."

Barry closed his eyes in pain as he buried his face in her hair. Tears were streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry, baby." He should've followed her. He had seen first hand the kind of temper that bastard had. He witnessed him shoving her. He never should've let her go after him. "I'm so _fucking_ sorry, Iris.." He choked out.

"And he apologized after if he'd hurt me. If he'd hurt me!" Iris yelled against him. "He said that the thought of me with someone else made him crazy and it made him go too far. That's when I ran out and that's when I found you."

The internal fight with himself was over. He was going to find Eddie and he was gonna show him what pain was.

Barry gently untangled Iris from him. He wasn't even thinking about how him choosing to leave at this particular moment would effect her. He wasn't thinking of anything but ways to kill that animal and make it so she would never hurt like this again.

"Bear?" Iris asked uncertainly and fearfully. Was he leaving her? Was he disgusted by her now?

Barry gently kissed Iris's head. He hoped that she would understand that he just couldn't let this go. "I'm so sorry, Iris." Was all he said before walking out the door and slamming it behind him.

"Barry, please…" Iris whimpered to the empty room.

Iris broke down crying into her hands as it dawned on her that he no longer wanted her after knowing everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barry stormed over to Eddie's dorm, his fist posed to bang on the door and than he pulled it back.

Knock on Eddie's door? After Iris had told him how he'd cruelly invaded her, he didn't deserve a fucking knock. He was gonna invade him like he'd invaded the woman he'd loved.

Barry kicked Eddie's door in and stormed inside.

Eddie looked up from the desk with a look of annoyance. "Oh, it's you pretty boy. What the fuck do you want?"

"To make you pay and make no mistake you fucking monster, you _will_ pay." Barry said deadly calm as he inched his way over to Eddie

"Pay? For what?" Eddie rolled his eyes. "Do yourself a favor and get out before you hurt yourself."

In a fit of anger, Barry knocked the desk down.

"Get out." Eddie demanded.

Barry shook his head, glaring at him with contempt. "I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. I know what you did. I know _everything_."

"Look, I'm not into fucking puzzles, alright?" Eddie snapped at him. "So, either state your business or get the fuck out."

Barry bent down and grabbed Eddie by the throat, roughly shoving him into the nearest wall. "TELL ME!" He screamed in his face.

"Tell you what?!" Eddie snapped. "Tell you that you're fucking crazy, well here ya go! You're fucking nuts! Now let go!"

Barry tightened his hold against his throat. "I wanna hear you _say_ it," He said quietly. "I know you did it, but I wanna hear it from your worthless piece of trash mouth."

Eddie was feeling intimidated and he did not bode well with that feeling. "Get off me, man!"

"How many times did _she_ say that?" Barry threw back at him. "How many times did she tell you to get off of her or to stop beating her?! Or maybe to let our fucking baby live, you bastard!" Barry's eyes were dark with rage. "How many times did _she_ tell you no?"

There was fear in Eddie's eyes. He knew. Barry knew. That slut had told him everything. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about." Barry said menacingly. "Iris. You preyed on her, you killed our baby and you raped her!"

Eddie rolled his eyes. "I don't know what that whore has been telling you-"

Barry punched Eddie hard in the face. "If you want live through the next few minutes, you'd better not _ever_ talk about her that way again." He chuckled. "Did you….did you think you'd get away with it, Eddie? Did you think that you could…that you could put your hands on _my_ girl and not have to pay for it?! To kill _my_ baby and not have to pay for it?! Are you really that fucking stupid?!"


	11. The Ledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie reveals something unsettling to Barry about Iris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are brief mentions of past suicide in this chapter.

Chapter 11

  
Eddie scoffed. “I think _you're_ pretty fucking stupid to just charge into my room and attack me!” He shoved Barry back away from him. 

Barry just stood with his fists clenched. The only reason this piece of shit still had luxury of breathing was because he had no intention of going to prison. He only had so much restraint though. If he kept pushing him...

Eddie laughed. “And _your_ girl?!” The humor disappeared from his eyes and was replaced by fury. “Lets get something straight, pretty boy…Iris is mine. Ok? Iris belongs to me! Not _you_!”

Barry just smirked before glaring angrily at him and shoving him back into the wall, his arm coming around to press against his throat. “See, you really _are_ fucking stupid! Iris does not belong to _you_ or me…not even to anybody else for that matter! She belongs to herself, you piece of shit and she is no longer your girl!”

Eddie smirked. “Well we’ll just see what Iris has to say about that. She loves me, she will do whatever I damn well say.." 

“You’re not going anywhere _near_ her!” Barry snapped, his arm pressing against Eddie's throat tightly. “She doesn’t want to see you. I know this is probably gonna be new to you and all, but try giving the girl what she wants for just once!”

Eddie glared at him. “What would you know about what _she_ wants? Oh right!” He chuckled. “How stupid of me. I must’ve totally forgotten about how you were there a year ago. You were there when she was crying suicide and how she just couldn’t go on!”

“What are you talking about?” Barry wasn’t sure whether to believe a word that was coming out of this piece of shit’s mouth or not. 

“Oh that’s right!” Eddie smirked. “You _weren’t_ there! You left her all alone and when she lost that brat that was her only connection to you…good riddance, I say but Iris on the other hand well she didn’t wanna live without either one of you. Found her on the ledge of a bridge one night. I'm the one that dragged her down, kicking and screaming." He smiled even wider as he saw the color completely drain from Barry's face. "I'm gonna tell you the same fucking thing I told her. It's over when _I_ fucking say it is!"

Barry reared back his fist and slammed it straight into Eddie's jaw. He couldn't believe him, buy into this bastard's lies. He knew Iris. He knew she couldn't have changed that much... "See now I _know_ you're lying. Iris is the least suicidal person I know! She'd never try a thing like that!"

Eddie grinned, happy that he was getting under this guy's skin. "It's true. I'm the one who talked her down." He smirked, seeing the conviction in Barry's eyes starting to waver.

"Well more like dragged, but it was still _me_. I'm the one who gave her the will to live, not you or your brat!"

Barry was about to strangle the life out of him but he remembered Iris. He'd stormed out without saying anything. He was sure she'd figured out that he left to see Eddie, he knew she must be freaking out. She'd been put through enough. He wasn't about to put her through a murder trial.

“I should _kill_ you for every tear you’ve ever made Iris shed! But you’re not worth it. You stay the fuck away from her or the next visit isn’t going to be so pleasant!” Barry snarled angrily.

With that Barry stormed out of his dorm, violently slamming the door behind him.

Eddie held his throat. “She’s mine! You can’t take her, she’s mine!” He yelled to the empty room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Barry quickly bursted into his dorm that he was now sharing with Iris

"Baby, I'm so sor--" Barry's voice trailed off as he was met with what appeared to be an empty dorm room. "Iris?"

Barry quickly grabbed his phone out of his back-pocket, intent on calling her. He groaned when he was met with a blank screen. 

"Of course I'd forget to turn this stupid thing back on." Barry muttered. 

Barry waited a few minutes for his phone to boot up. A few text messages popped up, they were all from Iris. 

_Bear, I am trying really hard not to freak out or assume the worst right now. Please text me back asap!_

Barry sighed. "Great. With my luck she's probably out at the police station thinking I was booked for murdering Thawne."

_It was too much, wasn't it? You're disgusted by what I told you, by me..._

Tears stung Barry's eyes. "No, Iris..." 

He never thought she would jump to that kind of a conclusion. He had...

Barry sighed deeply.

He had never actually told her he was coming back. All he had told her was that he was sorry. But he had told her how much he loved her. 

She had to know that, right?

She had to know that what she had been through during their separation...that it didn't matter to him.

_I'm sorry. I thought I could rise above it all, above losing you but I can't. I love you so much, but I understand that you no longer feel the same way. It's my fault, it's always my fault. You don't have to worry about letting me down gently when you get back. I won't be around to cause you anymore pain. Goodbye, Barry._

Barry's eyes were filled with tears and anguish. "No, no. Please, God no. Not her."

He immediately dialed her number. She wasn't here and he had no idea where to even begin looking for her. 

_Eddie smirked. “You weren’t there! You left her all alone and when she lost that brat that was her only connection to you…good riddance, I say but Iris on the other hand well she didn’t wanna live without either one of you. Found her on the ledge of a bridge one night."_

Barry was nearly choking on the sobs threatening to rise their way out. "I did this. I did this to her. I broke her." He couldn't get ahold of her. Her phone just kept going straight to voicemail.

The phone slipped out of his hands, falling onto the floor. 

Barry collapsed to the floor, sobbing brokenly into his hands. 

She could be anywhere right now. 

He was terrified that this was something he couldn't make right. 

What if Eddie had been telling the truth? 

What if she out there with a plan to end her own life? 

He kept calling her but all he kept getting was the voicemail. 

He kept reading her text message and he honestly wasn't sure what to think. 

If something happened to her he would never get over it. He would never forgive himself. 

Losing Iris is the one thing that would destroy him forever. 

Barry roughly wiped his eyes. He would just drive around campus until he found her. 

Suddenly in his grief, something caught his eye. It was the closed door of his bathroom. 

He never closed that door due to the fact that it always got stuck. 

"Iris..." He whispered, feeling relief that she was still in this room but also completely terrified of what he would find on the other side of that door.

Barry quickly got up off of the ground and ran to the door of the bathroom. 

"Iris!" Barry yelled, beating on the door that would not budge with his fists. 

He was seconds away from breaking it down.

"Barry?" There was a soft sniffle from inside.


	12. You mean everything to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry tries to get Iris to confide in him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight almost smut in this chapter.

Chapter 11

  
There were no words for the kind of relief he felt at hearing her voice. He almost cried at the sound and than the anger set in. 

Did she have any idea what she had put him through? 

Was she just in there ignoring his calls?

Barry took a deep breath. He needed to calm down. Going off on her would solve nothing. 

"Iris, are you ok?" He forced his voice to be soft, to not sound hard. To not sound like he was about to go off. "Jesus, babe do you have any idea how many times I've tried to call you in the past ten minutes?"

"Barry, please just _leave_!" Iris cried out. "I didn't think you'd be back this soon and I.."

Barry leaned his head against the door, sobs threatening to overtake him. He had no idea what the hell she was doing in there and there was no way he was about to just leave. After this, she would be lucky if he ever left her alone again. 

"Iris, please I am _begging_ you!" His voice was on the edge of breaking out into sobs. "Either you unlock this door and force it open or I swear I will kick it down!" Barry exploded.

"Seriously, Bear?" He heard what sounded like irritation in her voice. He heard the door unlock and than it was yanked open. "Are you that desperate for me t--"

Barry didn't let her finish her sentence, he pulled her into his arms. He clutched her to him tightly, more tightly than he had ever held her before. 

"Barry?" Iris's voice was uncertain, confused. 

"Iris," Barry pulled back to urgently look her over. "did you take anything?"

Iris's expression remained confused. "Take anything? What would I take from you, Bear? Your love for all things nerd has never really..."

"Don't do that." Barry cut her off. "I need you to tell me the truth. I promise, I won't be upset. Just did you take anything?"

Iris glared at him. "Wow. You're seriously accusing me of...of what? _Stealing_ from you?!"

"Iris, you need to stop lying, deflecting...whatever it is that you're doing right now!" Barry snapped. "I cannot help you if I don't know what you're on.."

Iris's eyes went wide as she stared at him in disbelief. "What I'm on? What the hell are you talking about, Barry?!"

Barry looked at her for a few moments. He saw the honest confusion, along with annoyance in her eyes. "Iris," He was gonna try this one more time and if he saw any trace of dishonesty in her eyes he was gonna drag her to the hospital. He didn't care if it was kicking and screaming. This was too serious. "did you take any pills?"

"What?!" Iris almost chuckled at the absurdity of his question before she saw the real seriousness, the concern in his eyes. "Oh my God, Barry! No, ok? I didn't _take_ anything. Drugs aren't my thing."

Barry breathed a sigh of relief. He could tell she wasn't lying to him. He then took a hold of her arms, gently pushing her sleeves up. 

"Barry!" Iris snapped. "What the hell is this? You're acting like I..."

Barry gently let her sleeve roll back down when he saw that she truly wasn't physically hurt. 

Barry than glared at her. "Acting like what, Iris? Acting like I'm freaking out because I thought you may have hurt yourself?"

Iris softened. "Why would you think that I would..?"

Barry dragged her further out of the bathroom. He leaned down and picked up his phone. 

"Why would I think that you were planning to hurt yourself?" Barry interrupted her sharply. "I got your messages, ok? It sounded alot like you were saying goodbye. The permanent kind."

"I was." Iris softly said.

Tears were filling up Barry's eyes. "Iris, please. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you. I love you _so_ much. I...I thought you knew that, I thought you _believed_ that. Don't do something that you can't come back from. I can get you help, I can..." 

Iris glared at him sharply. "Help? I don't..." Her eyes once again softened at the raw emotion she saw in his eyes. The concern. "Barry, please listen to me. I wasn't going to kill myself. I was just going to leave campus. What I meant was I couldn't stay here and see you everyday when I know that you don't want me here. I saw the look in your eyes, you were disgusted. You walked out..."

"You're wrong." Barry gently told her. "I shouldn't have left the way that I did but I _had_ to deal with him. I had to deal with Eddie for what he did to you." His eyes darkened. "Does it disgust me that he hurt you like that? Of course it does. But the disgust doesn't lie with you. It's with him. As for not wanting you," He gently kissed her, he felt her responding to him as he gently backed her against the wall. "nothing could be further from the truth."

Iris was breathing heavily as she felt him gently lift her up and guide her legs around his waist. "You still want me like that?" Her voice was soft with awe mixed with disbelief. "You still _love_ me like that?"

"Iris, I will _always_ love you like that." Barry gently kissed the side of her neck and he softly smiled as he heard her moan. "I will _always_ want you like that, like this."

"Barry," Iris softly cried, the tears streaming down her face. "I'm so sorry. I..."

Barry tenderly wiped away a couple of her tears. He leaned his head against hers. "Iris, you have to start trusting me. I would _never_ leave you. I would _never_ do anything to hurt you. You mean _everything_ to me."

"You mean _everything_ to me." Iris repeated back, tears in her voice. "But you.."

"But I, what?" Barry gently asked. His hand gently settling just by the edge of her skirt. He was gently rubbing her skin. He saw the uncertainty mixed with fear and it broke his heart. "Baby, you can talk to me. You always could, and you always can."

Iris's arms were around Barry's neck as they held each other close. "You said you dealt with..." She felt the sobs working their way out. "You talked to _him_.."

"Yes," Barry softly whispered. "I did."

"What did he tell you?" Iris was looking down but felt Barry gently lift her chin up to meet his eyes. 

"Hey, look at me." Barry's voice was gentle but firm. "It doesn't matter what he said. He was trying to get under my skin and it almost worked. I almost did something that I wouldn't have been able to take back. Something that I know would've landed me in jail. You're the only reason it didn't happen."

"But he told you things, right?" Iris was beginning to shake in his arms and he could tell she was close to having a complete panic attack. "I know he told you things!"

"Hey, hey." Barry gently stroked her hair, he gently kissed her. He felt her shaking subside a little. "Breathe for me, ok? I don't care what he told me. I don't believe anything he says unless you tell me it's true. Iris, what are you so terrified of me finding out?"

"I wasn't who you knew." Iris breathed softly. "I just want to pretend that none of it was real.."

"Iris, if that is truly want you want than you don't have to ever tell me." Barry gently searched her eyes. "But I don't think it is. I think you _want_ to tell me but you're afraid to. I don't want you to not open up to me because you're afraid. You don't ever have to be afraid with me."

"He told you what happened after I lost our baby, didn't he?" Iris blinked back tears. "He told you what I did."

"He told me his version." Barry gently brushed away her tears. "If you want to tell me, I'd rather hear yours."

Iris slowly nodded. "Take my top off."

Barry was taken aback by her request. "Iris, I really don't think this is..." He breathed against her. As much as he loved her, as much as he wanted her...he didn't want her to push herself into having sex with him to push aside painful memories. 

Iris took Barry's hand and placed it at the edge of her top. "Bear, please. Please do it. I need you to do it."

Barry saw the pleading in her eyes, he read the desperation there. He couldn't find it in his heart to refuse her. "Are you sure?" His voice was soft.

Iris nodded. "I'm sure."

Barry gently pushed her top up over her head and it was gently discarded. 

"You're so beautiful." Barry whispered softly, his hand gently touching the lace fabric of her bra. 

Iris slightly blushed. "I'm really not."

Barry gently placed a kiss along her stomach. "You _really_ are." His voice was serious and gentle and in awe. 

"Barry," Iris softly moaned at the feel of his lips on her skin. "I need you to..."

Barry's hand gently went beneath her skirt, close to where her panties were. "What?" His voice was gentle with a mixture of teasing to it. "Baby, what do you need?"

Iris was surprised at where she was feeling his hand. "Bear, this really wasn't what I was..." She moaned as she felt his hand touching where her panties were covering. "Bear, I didn't mean to make this sexual.."

Barry immediately removed his hand as if he'd been burned and gently pushed her skirt back down. "Iris, I'm so sorry!" He apologized. "I didn't mean...you asked me to take your shirt off and I assumed..." He groaned softly. "I'm an idiot. I thought you wanted..." He trailed off and once again began to profusely apologize. "I'm so sorry."

Iris nearly moaned from the loss of his touch. Now she wished she would've let him keep going. But it wasn't what she was going for. It wasn't the time. "I liked it." She breathed heavily. "Even if it wasn't what I was going for, I _really_ liked it."

Barry gently smiled. "What _were_ you going for?" He curiously asked. "Why did you ask me to partially undress you?"

Iris blushed before it all faded. "You said you wanted to hear my version of what happened. I just...I thought it would be easier if I showed you."

Barry gently brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "I'm sorry, I don't understand. What were you trying to show me? I don't see..."

His words died off as Iris pushed her bra slightly up, revealing a scar beneath her chest. 

"Oh, Iris." Barry's voice was soft and his eyes filled with unshed tears. "What did he do?" He growled. 

Iris shook her head, tears falling down her face. "Eddie didn't do this, Barry. I did. After I lost our baby..." She breathed heavily.

"Hey," Barry's voice was gentle as he continued to hold her against him, his hands keeping her wrapped around him, hoping that she wouldn't feel alone. That she would know he was here. "you don't have to be scared. Ok? Tell me what happened, baby."

Iris just slowly nodded as took a deep breath. "I shot myself. After the baby died, I shot myself."


	13. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Iris have a heated argument that nearly wrecks their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this entire chapter is a flashback. I find it's really fun writing West Allen flashbacks. And I love giving you guys a bit more of their history and their bond. I'm hoping some of the things in this chapter isn't too OOC. Hope you guys like it! The next chapter will be back to present time!

Chapter 13

  
*Two years ago*  
*One month after Violet Rhines*

_"Iris!"_

_Iris was huddled on the floor against her wall, head in her hands._

_Maybe if she stayed completely silent he'd give up and go away._

_She needed him to go away. She needed for him to not see her this way._

_It was embarrassing._

_Barry was standing outside her window._

_He'd been standing out there for a good ten minutes. He knew she was there and he had no intention of going anywhere. He'd rather not deal with her parents but if it was the only way he could get to her, he'd do it._

_"Iris," He sighed. "I know you're in there. I can see you. Just please talk to me."_

_Iris sighed. Who was she kidding? He was stubborn as hell. He wasn't going anywhere anytime soon._

_She got up and marched over to her window, slamming it open._

_"In case I haven't made it clear the past ten minutes," She glared at him. "I want to be **alone**."_

_"And I would be happy to do that for you, Iris..." Barry's eyes were gentle as he looked her over with concern. He noticed that her eyes were tear stained and she just looked exhausted. "Just as soon as you tell me why you weren't in school today."_

_Iris looked at him annoyed. "When did you become my father? And so what if I did miss school today? I'm sure even you occasionally take a day off of your vocational school."_

_Barry sighed. So they were doing this the hard way. He climbed through her window._

_"You realize if my parents catch you in here with me, we're both dead right?" Iris snapped._

_Barry rolled his eyes. Her parents didn't scare him. He'd dealt with alot worse than some suburban couple who didn't think he was good enough to be around their daughter. "If that happens, I will take full responsibility."_

_"Like that matters." Iris muttered._

_"Ok, why the hell are you being so damn hostile with me right now?" Barry demanded, her attitude starting to piss him off._

_"Because I'm hoping you'll take the fucking hint and **leave**." Iris snarled. "I didn't ask you here, I don't **want** you here. I don't want to talk about why I chose to take a damn sick day. I don't want to talk at all!"_

_It would be so incredibly easy for Barry to turn around and leave her to be bitter alone. It would certainly make his day a little less stressful, but he knew from experience that if he caved and left her alone now, it would be that much harder for him to get her to open up to him the next time._

_Barry took a deep breath, he was determined to not lose his temper with her. Her attitude right now was convincing him that this was a cry for help._

_"Why are you so angry with me?" He asked softly._

_"Think **really** hard." Iris spat. "It's so fucking hilarious that you're wondering why I'm not in school, why I'm pissed at you. All of," She gestered with her hands. " **this** is your fault."_

_Barry just stared at her completely confused. "What are you talking about? What did I do to you that has you so angry you're skipping school? How is any of that **my** fault?"_

_Iris shook her head, fury completely taking over her. Was he really gonna continue to play her for a fool even when she's right here confronting him?_

_"Violet Rhines!" Iris nearly yelled before covering her mouth, taking a moment to calm down. The last thing she needed was to deal with her parents._

_"What about Violet Rhines?" Just saying the same of that place he'd rescued Iris from sent waves of uneasiness through him. Another thought occurred to him. "Is this about those pigs that assaulted you? Are they bothering you again?" He had fucking warned them. If this was the case than him and his gun were gonna pay those bastards another visit._

_"Like you care." Iris muttered._

_Now she was pissing him off. "You **know** I care!" Barry snapped. "And since you bring up Violet Rhines, have you already forgotten that I left my home to drive hours out of my way to rescue **your** ass? I had a shit load of crap to study for and I blew it all off **for** you!" _

_Tears stung Iris's eyes. "Well I am so sorry to be such a freaking burden to you..."_

_Barry stalked closer to her, nearly in her face. "Stop it." He demanded firmly. "You **know** I don't see you that way. So don't you dare stand here and tell me that I don't care about you. You are **all** I care about. And you know it."_

_"Right." Iris whispered, wiping at her eyes and turning away from him._

_Barry reached for her, forcing her to turn around. "What is this about, Iris?" He demanded more gently. "Why are you suddenly so convinced that I don't care about you?"_

_"You wanna know what this is about?" Iris yanked her arm out of his grasp. "Fine. I'll tell you...I'll **show** you what this is about."_

_Iris grabbed her bag off her nightstand, opened it and pulled photos out and tossed them at Barry. "Here."_

_Barry looked at the photos stunned. "Iris," He whispered sadly. "where did these come from?"_

_"You tell me." Iris replied stubbornly._

_"How would I know where the---" Barry trailed off as looked into Iris's eyes. He saw the anger, the hurt in them and he instantly felt sick. "Wait. **This** is why you're pissed off at me? **This** is why you've been nothing but a straight up bitch to me since I came over here?"_

_"Watch it." Iris snarled._

_"No, **you** watch it." Barry returned furiously. "Ever since the day we met I have done **nothing** but help you, be there for you. I've gone out of my way time and time again for you, gave up so much... **for** you. After everything that you and I have been through together, you can actually stand there and accuse me of spreading these very degrading photos of you around your school?! How **dare** you!"_

_Iris glared at him. "And somehow I don't see you outright denying it or even trying to prove that you didn't do it."_

_Barry glared back at her incredulously. They had had alot of fights before about many, many ridiculous things. This one though, this one definitely took the cake. "Because I shouldn't have to! After everything we've been through...everything **I've** done for you, I shouldn't have to prove anything to you! You should be able to look into my eyes the way I've looked into yours so many times and just know. You should just **know** that I wouldn't do something like that to anyone, that I sure as hell wouldn't do it you."_

_"Why because you love me?" Iris bitterly replied, still not letting go of the theory that he was the one who did this to her. It only made too much sense to her. He was the only guy, the only person to never betray or let her down. She just knew that this had to happen sooner or later._

_Barry marched over to her and grabbed both of her arms, pulling her closer._

_"Yeah, that's right Iris because I **love** you!" He shot back heatedly. "And I am really getting so fucking tired of your drama. It's like no matter what I do, you doubt me. I've tried to be understanding because lets face it, it's not like your parents ever contributed a shred when it comes to your self confidence. But this, you accusing me of something that is **beyond** horrible...what it tells me is that you obviously have no faith in me or our friendship. And that breaks my heart more than I could ever tell you."_

_For the first time since he came over she was starting to doubt herself. What if she was wrong? "If not you then who?" Iris softly asked. "Who else was there? Who else was furious with me for putting myself in danger? Who else would've had the motive to want to teach me a lesson?"_

_Barry visibly recoiled, and stepped away from her as if she'd slapped him._

_"So, you also think me capable of hurting and humiliating you just to teach you a lesson not to endanger yourself?" He ran a tired hand over his face, he loved her more than anything, more than anybody but she was fucking exhausting._

_"You know what, Iris? Fuck you. If that's what you think of me, what you believe me to be capable of, than I'm done." Barry turned away and walked toward the window, intent on walking out. Of course he wasn't done, could never be done when it came to her. But he was fucking done today._

_"Barry!" Iris cried helplessly. She didn't want him walking out like this, they had never had a fight this bad before and he had never told her that he was done. "Please don't leave."_

_Barry stopped and slowly turned around. "Why? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out of here and be done with you after the way you've treated me today."_

_"I'm sorry." Iris whispered, looking down feeling ashamed. "Becky showed up yesterday when I was on my way out of school and she said that you were mad at me because it was my fault that you blew your test and..."_

_Barry continued to look angry. "Becky? So you trust my crazy ex-girlfriend who has never had one nice thing to say about you **more** than me. That's...that's just great." He sighed. "Iris, you know you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth."_

_"Maybe...maybe I'm wrong." Iris said softly._

_Barry just looked her over in sadness and deep disappointment. "You know what, Iris? From someone who is supposed to be my best friend, **maybe** is just not good enough. It's not good enough to make me stay."_

_Barry walked out, leaving Iris standing there in tears._

_~~~~~~~_

_Barry walked into his house, slamming the door behind him in anger._

_"Whoa!" Henry Allen walked out of the living room into the hall that met the front door his son had slammed so violently. "That is fresh wood along with expensive stained glass, Barry." He scolded his son._

_Barry sighed regretfully. He know how expensive it was and how hard his parents worked for it. "I'm sorry, Dad. I'm just..."_

_"Bad day?" Henry supplied and when his son nodded, he motioned for him to come sit at the dining table. "Let me guess, you had a fight with Iris?"_

_Barry looked at him in surprise. "How in the world did you figure that out?"_

_"Well, I can't imagine anyone else getting you this angry." Henry pointed out. "And also, Iris has called like five times in the past hour looking for you."_

_Barry sighed. "I'm sorry. I...I'll deal with her later."_

_Henry looked at him concerned. "This is really serious, isn't it?" He knew something bad had to have happened for his son to be ignoring the girl he knew for a fact his son cared about more than anything._

_"Yeah," Barry nodded shortly. "it's pretty serious. It's pretty fucking **insulting** actually."_

_"Barry," His father warned. "you know I don't want you using that kind of language in this house."_

_Barry sighed again. "Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry. Again."_

_He just nodded. "So what did she do?"_

_Barry was about to close up on this whole issue but than his father always had been one of the best people for him to talk to next to Iris. And well, all things considered he couldn't really talk to Iris right now._

_"So, a month ago while I was studying Iris called me. She was hysterical, completely freaked out. She was in trouble, Dad." His eyes almost glossed over to just remembering how freaked out she had been. "She got herself into a crazy situation. I had to go help her..."_

_"She was the big emergency you had that you had to leave in the middle of your studying, right?" Henry was looking at him in concern._

_Barry nodded slowly. "Yeah, she was. Look, I can't go into all of the details here. I don't wanna betray her confidence like that, but...it was really **bad**. You remember that I brought her back here and she stayed." His father nodded. "Well, she wasn't in class today. She wasn't responding to any of my text messages. I was worried about her, so I went over to her house."_

_"You didn't have another bad run in with her parents did you?"_

_Barry quickly shook his head. "No. I think they were out or something. Iris was just there. She uh...she was really upset with me. She thinks...or well thought that I did something pretty bad. Pretty appalling. Apparently she thinks that I'm the type of person that would spread some awful rumor about her to teach her some effed up lesson."_

_Henry was just listening to his son quietly. "And you didn't?"_

_Barry glared at his father. "No, Dad! Of course not!"_

_"Hey, now don't get mad at me son. Just I know that you can be...impulsive at times."_

_"I would **never** do anything to hurt Iris." Barry stated firmly. "She's the only person in this crappy town that has ever gotten me." His eyes then went sad. "At least she used to."_

_"Barry, why don't you call her?" His father suggest softly._

_Barry roughly wiped at his eyes. He wanted to. God knows all he wanted to do was go find her and make things right but he was too hurt. "She really hurt me, Dad. Maybe...maybe I should just give her some space and wait until she's over whatever today was."_

_"Or maybe you should text her and let her know how she made you feel. Let her know that you wouldn't do anything to hurt her." He suggested._

_"Yeah, maybe." Barry mumbled. "Listen, thanks for being here, Dad. I think I'm gonna head to the library and do some studying."_

_Henry nodded. "Ok. And you know your mother and I are here anytime you need to talk."_

_Barry lightly smiled. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, Dad." He got up and grabbed his bag._

_"Love you son."_

_"Love you too, Dad." He threw over his shoulder as he walked out the door._

_~~~~~~~_

_Barry was walking through the park when he noticed Iris was there talking to Tony Woodward._

_He also noticed that Tony was standing incredibly close to Iris who looked to be getting increasing uncomfortable._

_"Shit," Barry muttered._

_As pissed off as Iris had made him today he wasn't about to let her be harrassed by that loser ex of hers._

_"Tony," Iris's voice was mixed with anger and slight fear. "I am asking you to leave me alone!"_

_"Oh come on, babe. You're not still upset about that one miner indiscretion I had with Becky, are you?" He chuckled. "Cuz after those photos I saw of you at Violet Rhines....you are the **last** person who should be giving me shit."_

_Tears stung Iris's eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."_

_"Oh?" He sneered. "I think I do. I mean, hey if I had known how much of a slut you **actually** were..." _

_He was cut off as he felt an arm violently shove him to the ground._

_"Don't **touch** her and do not talk to her like that!" Barry growled angrily. _

_"Easy, Bartholomew." Tony chuckled amused. "I didn't realize you were still carrying a torch for that..." He saw Barry's eyes darken and thought better of another insult. "For **Iris**. You sure do like them young, don't you? You know you could spend a good five years in jail just for fucking he--"_

_Barry grabbed him off the ground and held him by the throat, applying slight pressure. "Shut up!" He snapped. "I told you **not** to talk about her like that! And she's my best friend. I thought I had already made it clear that you were to stay away from her. You know, I've never liked you. You have no idea just how easy it would be for me to put you in the fucking hospital!"_

_"Ok, ok." Tony coughed, as he was able to breath easier as Barry lightened his grip. "Geez. Like it's not obvious that you're doing her?" His eyes than went terrified as he saw Barry's eyes turn dark. "Forget that, sorry. I'm going, ok?"_

_"See that you do." Barry sneered. "I better not **ever** catch you near her again."_

_Tony just took off running._

_Barry spun around to face Iris. "Iris, are..." His words died off as he saw her holding herself. She looked so small as tears were streaming down her face and she was obviously losing the battle not to break down into sobs._

_"Oh, Iris." His voice was soft as he reached out to her, any anger he had still been harboring towards her just diminishing. "Baby, did he hurt yo--"_

_"I'm sorry!" Iris blurted, feeling more ashamed than she ever had for thinking the absolute worst of him. After the way she'd treated him..still here he was. Being her best friend, defending her honor. She hated herself. "I'm so so sorry!" She sobbed out._

_"Iris," He waved off her apology, no longer angry. Only wanting to make her alright, to make her trust him. "it hurt but I'm over it. It doesn't matter. I forgive you." He gently wiped a few of her fallen tears away._

_"I know you do." She cried. "It's so you. You're just that **amazing**." She laughed bitterly through her tears. "I don't deserve it or you. I never would. I just...I'm sorry." _

_Iris rushed off sobbing and Barry quickly grabbed her by her waist, holding onto her tightly from behind._

_"I think I can decide on what I deserve." He breathed against her ear. "I'm not letting you push me away. I'm afraid you're stuck with me." He chuckled softly, his nose brushing against her hair. "I'm sorry too." He gently said, his free hand tenderly stroking her hair. "I'm sorry I stormed out the way that I did. Turns out I'm a liar." He gently kissed the side of her head. "I'm not done. I could never be done with you, Iris West. I wouldn't even know how to be."_

_Iris softly sobbed, her hand gripping onto his arm...tightly holding it against her. "After what I accused you of...you storming out was the least that I deserved. You failed your test because I made you rescue me. I...I'm not worth you not getting into Harvard..."_

_Tears stung Barry's eyes at her words. It broke his heart that she thought so little of herself. How all he wanted to do was tell her how desperately in love with her he was. "Don't say that." He scolded her firmly. "You're worth **everything** , Iris West. I can re-take the test." His voice took on a teasing one, hoping to atleast get a smile out of her. "Besides, I meant to fail that test. Did I ever tell you how much I actually thrive on a challenge? It's been getting pretty easy..."_

_Iris chuckled through her tears. "You're still making up shit for me." Another sob forced it way out. "You're still taking care of me, still putting me first.."_

_"I always will." Barry gently breathed against her._

_Iris shook her head against him, hiccuping through her tears. "I can't let you," She miserably choked out. "I **can't** let you..."_

_Barry gently turned her around to face him. She was looking down, not meeting his eyes. He gently tipped her chin up, forcing her to look at him. "You can't let me what, West?" His tone a mixture of teasing and tenderness._

_"I can't let you..." Iris helplessly cried out, her hand taking a small fistful of his shirt. "I can't let you put me ahead of your future. I can't let you constantly take care of me. I **can't** let you.."_

_Barry's eyes were filled with tears as he looked into her own tear filled eyes intensely. "You **are** my future." _

_"I can't..." Iris continued to sob, not even fighting him as he pulled her closer to him._

_Barry saw the fear, hope and desperation in her eyes and it finally hit him what today had been all about. She was trying to protect herself from him, from the idea that he could hurt her somewhere down the line. He knew how badly she'd been hurt by the people around her but he thought she knew that she didn't have to worry about any of it with him._

_He was hit with the realization that he just may have to tell her just how deep his feelings ran with her, that he was in love with her sooner than he'd planned to._

_"You can't let me love you, Iris West?" Barry gently wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her against his chest, holding onto her tightly like he'd never let go._

_"Bear," Iris cried against his chest as she held onto him tightly. "I..." She wanted to tell him how scared she was. She wanted to tell him that she was in love with him, that she couldn't stand the thought of losing him like everyone else she'd ever come to care about. The words just wouldn't come._

_Barry just held onto her tighter, letting her cry against him. "Try and stop me." He murmured softy._


	14. I can't lose you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iris tells Barry about the night she shot herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this chapter has been edited. And ugh, I'm still not totally satisfied with it, but oh well. I hope you guys like it anyway and please leave a review with your thoughts.

Chapter 14

  
_"After the baby died, I shot myself."_

Barry was sitting against the headboard of his bed, cradling Iris in his lap. 

"Iris," He choked out roughly. "why would you? Why?"

"I.." Iris cried as she trailed off helplessly, hating the pain that was in his eyes. The pain she had put there. "I don't think I can explain."

"Try." Barry demanded, his tone was still gentle but held no room for argument. "Start with where the hell you even got a gun."

Iris opened her mouth a few times but the words wouldn't come, than she tried to get up, to leave but Barry held her tighter against him. His hold wasn't rough, but was still tight enough that she would have to put alot of force in to get out of it. 

"I'm changing my mind." She blurted suddenly, panic setting in. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Barry looked her over and could read her like he always could. "No," He shook his head. "you're not changing your mind. You're panicking."

Iris took a deep breath. "You'll just...it's just gonna upset you."

Barry chuckled bitterly. "It's too late for that. I'm already upset. Where did you get the gun, Iris?" 

Iris breathed deeply. She knew he wasn't gonna let this go. She was just gonna have to tell him the truth and hope he didn't completely freak out. "Ok." She sighed. "Your parents live in a beach house in Florida now, but they never sold the house. They had me house sit for them, like alot."

"You're telling me things I already know," Barry replied, his tone tinged with a bit of annoyance. "and you're completely changing the subject. I'm not letting this go, I can't let this go. I can't help you if you don't open up to me."

"I am!" Iris snapped, before taking another deep breath. "You want to know where I got the gun? It was theirs. Or yours? It was in your--"

"Top drawer of my nightstand." Barry cut her off, his expression unreadable. "It wasn't mine. It was my father's. I kept it there ever since Violet Rhines."

Emotionally, he wasn't giving much and it was unsettling to Iris. "Bear, I..."

"You could've gotten my parents in so much trouble." Barry quietly scolded. "Do you have any idea what this could've done to them? Your parents could've sued mine for a wrongful death."

Iris looked down ashamed. "I know." She quietly spoke. 

Barry gently but firmly lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. "You could've died, Iris. Do you have any idea what that would've _done_ to me? To your father? Fuck, even to your mother? What were you thinking?"

"That I wanted to die." Iris replied simply. 

The words and her tone sounded so matter of fact, so cold and it worried Barry deeply. 

"Don't say that." Barry shook his head at her. "You have no idea how much I would've lost my mind if you had succeeded. You should've called me, Iris. No matter how you thought I felt about things...you should've came to me before resorting to something so drastic. Something that you couldn't have come back from."

"I did call you." Iris quietly whispered. 

Barry frowned. "You did? Iris, when did this happen?"

Iris breathed deeply. "It was months ago, several months ago. It was the day that I called you at like one in the morning. I um..I asked you to come home, but you thought I was drunk. I let you think I was drunk and I..."

"Oh my God." Barry quietly murmured as tears stung his eyes. 

He remembered that day. 

He remembered that day all too well.

It was one of the last conversations he had ever had with Iris before communication just shut off completely.

_Six months ago_

_Barry groaned as he heard his phone going off._

_He forced his eyes open and tiredly grabbed for it._

_"Hello?" He said groggily._

_There was silence._

_"Hello?" He tried again._

_Jesus, he was tired. He was about to just chalk it up to a wrong number and hang up when he finally heard who was on the other end of the line._

_"Barry?"_

_"Iris?" Barry was immediately more awake as he heard the voice of his best friend._

_"Hey." She whispered softly._

_Barry could've sworn he heard her voice choke up but it was gone just as soon as he'd heard it. "Iris, are you alright?"_

_"Yeah, I'm great." Her voice sounded overly enthusiastic and cheery, but it was the fake kind._

_"Is there a reason you're calling me at," He looked over his shoulder at his clock and groaned. "one in the morning? Shit." He tiredly wiped at his eyes. "I don't hear from you for like four months and when I finally do it's like one in the morning." His voice went from mildly annoyed to concerned. "Seriously, Iris what's wrong?"_

_"Bear, do you ever wish that things could be simple again?" Her voice sounded small and sad and it did nothing to make him worry less that something was off._

_"Simple, like how?" Barry gently asked. "Are you saying things are complicated?"_

_Iris let out a small chuckle, but Barry could tell it held no humor. "You could say that. More complicated than I ever planned, ever wanted."_

_"So, tell me about it." Barry suggested softly. "What's going on?"_

_"If I asked you to come home, would you?" Iris softly asked._

_Barry was quiet for a moment. He could feel something was off with her. If she truly wanted, truly needed for him to come back he would do it in a heartbeat._

_"Are you asking me to come home, Iris?" He gently asked._

_"Yes." Iris softly replied. "I'm asking you to come home."_

_"Ok." Barry quietly murmured. "I can come back friday. We can catch up, catch a movie or something."_

_Iris was holding the small black gun against her chest, her head was beginning to shake as frantic tears were streaming down her face. "No, no." He could definitely tell she was in tears now. "Now. It has to be... **now**."_

_Barry frowned. What in the world was going on? She sounded desperate and broken and it terrified to him to think what could've possibly happened._

_"Iris, what's wrong?" He tried again, keeping his voice soothing. "Don't say nothing. I can tell something is wrong. Why is it so important that I come back now?"_

_"Because," She choked out. "I **need** you now."_

_Barry felt tears sting his own eyes at the raw emotion he heard in her voice. He still didn't know what was going on, but if she needed him he would be on the first flight out._

_"Ok." He gently said. He got out of bed, going to the closet and grabbing his suitcase. "I'll be on the first flight out, ok Sweetheart?"_

_"Just like that?" Her voice sounded uncertain._

_"Of course, just like that." Barry assured. "You've been my best friend my entire life. If you need me, of course I'll come back. I know you would do the same thing for me. You've been there for me so many times. You're the one person I've always been able to count on. So of course I'm gonna come back for you. Iris, I love you."_

_Iris almost burst into tears at his words. She needed him. She needed so badly, but it hit her that there was no way she could let him come back._

_He'd find out about the baby._

_He'd eventually put it together that it was his because they had slept together._

_He would hate her._

_She would rather die than have him hate her._

_She would rather die..._

_"No." She blurted, forcing herself to sound ok. To sound like she wasn't about to fall apart. She knew if she didn't convince him she was ok he would come back. "You probably have exams, right? No, you can't come back."_

_Barry frowned. Was she serious? Did she honestly think that his exams meant more than her? Nothing meant more to him than her and her well-being. "I do, but I don't care about them. If you need me, I'm coming back..."_

_"No, I'm..." She couldn't even force out the word fine because she was so far from it. "I'm just freaking out. I'm just missing you. I'm just..." She forced herself to laugh like it wasn't hollow, like it wasn't broken. "I've just been drinking too much. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I'm sorry, Barry."_

_"Iris," Barry was uncertain whether to buy this or not. She had sounded so sad, so lost and now she sounded carefree, like nothing was really wrong. "I'm still coming back. Whether this a drunk call or not, I'm still coming back. I'll see you friday, ok?"_

_"I won't be here." Iris's voice went soft again. "I'll already be gone."_

_"What do you mean, you won't be there?" Barry was concerned once again. "Iris, what are you saying?"_

_"I'm saying that I..." Iris breathed deeply, forcing back her tears. "I'm saying that I'm gonna be in Hawaii. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. You've been an amazing best friend. I just...I just wanted you to know that."_

_Barry was beyond confused and quite honestly a little annoyed. "So, let me see if I get this straight. You call me at one in the morning. You practically beg me to come home because you need me. And now you're telling me that you're drunk and that you're going to Hawaii. Iris, what the fuck is going on? None of this makes any sense. Either you're wasted or you're lying to me."_

_Iris wiped at her eyes, forcing her voice to stay controlled. "I'm wasted. I think I...I'm just gonna crash now."_

_Barry still didn't completely believe her. She sounded fine now and honestly he needed to sleep for his exam. "Yeah, Iris. You do that, sleep. I think I'm gonna follow you on that. The next time you decide to drunk dial me, could you maybe do it before it's past midnight? That would be awesome." He was still annoyed but also a little amused. Only Iris would do this to him._

_"Yeah," Iris breathed softly. "don't worry, it'll never happen again."_

_Barry frowned. He still deep in his gut felt like something was off. But he was exhausted and he had always been overly concerned and protective when it came to Iris West. "If you truly need me, you can call me anytime. Ok, Iris?"_

_Iris was pressing the gun tighter against her chest. He was better off without her. He always had been. "Bear?" Her voice was soft and she was fighting really hard not to start crying, not to tell him everything._

_"Yeah, Iris?" Barry was already crawling back in bed._

_"I love you." Iris whispered before hanging up the phone before Barry could even respond._

_She then firmly pressed the gun against her chest and pulled the trigger._

"Iris," Barry's voice cracked as he pulled her back into his arms, holding her tight against his chest. "oh my God. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!" He was kissing her hair, her face, her neck as tears streamed down his face. "I knew something was wrong. I could feel it deep inside of me. I practically forced myself to believe you, but I knew better."

"I'm sorry, Bear." Iris cried against his chest, her body shaking against him. "I'm so sorry. I just...I was scared you'd find out everything and you'd _hate_ me. I would've rather died than have you hate me..."

"Iris," Barry's voice was anguished as he pulled her back to look at him. "don't say that. Don't ever say that." His hands shakily framed her face as he pulled her head to rest against his. "You have no idea how much I love you, how much I've _always_ loved you." He crashed his lips against hers heatedly, half way lifting her up so she was straggling his waist. "Iris," He cried out. "if I had lost you...if that had been the last conversation we'd ever had...it would've destroyed me."

"I'm sorry," Iris cried. "I didn't think I deserved you. I didn't think I deserved anything anymore. Our baby was dead and I...I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't." She broke off sobbing. 

"Iris," Barry crashed his lips against hers again desperately. "I need you. I have _always_ needed you, will _always_ need you. I will _always_ want you and love you. I can't lose you."

Iris wrapped her arms around his neck as he pulled her even closer against him. "I'm not going anywhere. I will always need you, will always want you too. I love you so much, Barry Allen."


	15. I trust you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry suggests the idea of therapy to Iris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I am so so sorry for the long wait guys! Real life kinda got in the way. I'm gonna try to not make the next wait so long. This chapter isn't as long but it's building up for the next one. I hope you guys like this one and please leave me your thoughts :)

Chapter 15

  
"Iris," Barry murmured quietly, his arms around her as they laid in his bed. "how could I not have found out what happened? I know I was your emergency contact, unless...did you change it?"

"No," Iris quickly spoke up, shaking her head. "I never changed that. I also never changed having your parents as the secondary emergency contacts. I guess because I had it listed that your parents were kind of um mine that's who they wound up calling."

Barry was stunned. "You had put down that my parents were _your_ parents? I guess I understand why you wouldn't have your mom listed, but what about Joe? He's your father, and while he and I have never gotten along I know that he loves you."

Iris sighed. "Look, Bear I know that my Dad was calling a few or well several times but it was a small town. He knew where I worked and he never once even came in to me." 

Iris blinked back tears, it had been a year and a half but that still hurt. When it came down to it, Joe hadn't fought for her the way she'd needed him to. "He never _looked_ for me. He left a few voice mail messages. Do you know what they even consisted of? They were all mostly about Mom, about how upset she was with me, about how my behavior had disappointed _her_ which in turn disappointed _him_."

Barry felt anger rise up in him at the idea that Joe had just let Iris slip through the cracks and had basically taken his wife's side over his daughter's.

"Iris, I'm sorry." Barry quietly spoke. "I always knew how your mother could be, but I thought...I thought Joe was better than that. So, you had my parents listed and...they weren't able to reach them?" He knew that his parents had gotten new phones around that time but he thought Iris would've had that number. 

Iris shook her head. "Oh, no they reached them. And they came. They were there when I woke up."

Barry snapped his head up at that, his entire being in shock. His parents knew. They knew what had happened to her and they never called him? He couldn't believe this.

"Wait." Barry sat up, his entire body rigid. "They _knew_? My parents knew that you had..." He choked up roughly, he couldn't even finish the sentence. He didn't know if he would ever be able to say the words, that Iris had tried to kill herself aloud without wanting to cry. "They knew and they didn't call me?" He was seething. "They didn't call _me_?!"

"Barry, they were just respecting my wishes. I know I was wrong now and that it's my fault. I'm _so_ sorry." Iris's voice was soft as she reached out to touch his arm only to have him sharply pull it away. 

He didn't really trust contact with her right now, not while he was this angry. And he would be damned if he did anything to scare her, anything to hurt her.

"I don't give a fuck _what_ they were respecting!" Barry exploded, the anger coming off him in waves. "They knew what you were to me! I had talked to them around that time and I had even asked about you because I knew you house-sitted for them! My father told me you were fine!" Angry tears stung his eyes. "It was all a lie! He fucking _lied_ to me and that is not ok!"

Iris felt tears rolling down her face at the pain she saw in his eyes, heard in his voice. She hated herself for what her lies had done to him, had done to them both. It was in this moment that she decided she was never going to lie to him again, not about anything. She was going to strive to be the best version of herself, no matter what it took. 

"Barry," She gently spoke, not reaching out to him physically this time. She wasn't even sure at this point if he even wanted her near him. "I lied to you too. I lied to you about much worse. I'm...I was _awful_ and I know that I can probably never fully make up for what I did." 

Iris takes a breath and looks at Barry, seeing his eyes soften with tears rolling down his face. "I know that, Bear but...your parents, your father...he was just respecting my wishes. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. He was also thinking of you, he knew that you wouldn't wanna hear something like that from him. You'd wanna hear it from me. I promised him that I would tell you myself, and that is the only reason he didn't call you. I'm finally upholding that promise, just a year later. He, they have no idea that you didn't already know. I know how upset they would be with me for this and they should be."

Barry gently takes her hand in his, now trusting himself to touch her as his anger is subsiding. "Iris, you're not awful. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm completely ok with you keeping me in the dark the way you did and with lying to them so they would unknowingly harbor your secret from me. It's upsetting, but with everything that had happened I know that you were just scared. Honestly, it upsets me more that you no longer felt safe with me than the fact that you lied." 

He sees her start to deny that and he cuts her off gently, but firmly. "And don't say that, that isn't true. Maybe you don't want to admit it, maybe it's not something that you can even see at this point but somewhere along the way back then you no longer felt safe with me. You no longer trusted me."

"I trust you now." Iris softly, honestly said. 

"I know," Barry gently kissed the back of her hand, his other hand coming around to gently touch her face. "baby, I know you trust me now. I'm glad that we're together and that you're opening up to me, telling me everything that you were too afraid to then. I'm still upset with them. I'm definitely gonna have a chat with them about how _not_ ok I am with any of that."

"Bear, it's not their fault." Iris tried to reason again. The last thing she wanted was him blaming his parents for something that she was more at fault for. This entire thing was her mess, his parents just unfortunately got dragged into it.

Barry just shook his head, not budging on how he felt. "I know that they had good intentions, but you were..." He broke off, knowing how much she hated it when he called her a kid. "You were young." He settled on instead. "You were obviously fragile and just not in the right state of mind to be making any decisions or promises. They were the adults. They should've known that you needed help, that you needed your best friend and they failed in that. Nothing that you can say to me will make me think otherwise on that."

"Barry..." Iris trailed off, not knowing what else to say to him. She knew that once his mind was made up about how felt, nothing would change it. 

"Iris," Barry was trying to make sure he worded his next words carefully. The last thing he wanted to do was to somehow make her feel insulted or judged. "Sweetheart, did you ever get any help for what happened?" He tentatively asked.

Iris slowly nodded. "Yeah, therapy was mandatory after what I tried to do. I went and I..." She sighed. "Bear, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was uncomfortable and I honestly just wanted to forget the entire thing. I said what I thought they wanted to hear so that I could leave. I didn't really put myself into it. I didn't feel comfortable and I didn't trust them, you know? I just didn't wanna talk about it."

"Iris," Barry was once again tentative, careful about how to approach her with this. "we have a therapist on campus that I know is really good. I know a few people that have went to her and they've had nothing but great things to say. Baby, I know that talking about painful things is hard for you and I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it could help. Would you be...would you want to give that a try?"

Barry felt his heart break as he saw tears rolling down Iris's face and heard a small whimper escape her lips. "Oh, Iris." He gently brushed away her tears, enveloping her in his arms as he gently held her against his chest. "Baby, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanna help you. You've been through so much and I just want you to be _ok_. I would do _anything_ to make you ok, but I know that I don't...I _can't_ have all the answers or the tools to completely help you heal."

He gently stroked her hair, pressing a soft kiss against the side of her neck. "This doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you or that I'm just passing you off to someone else. I would _never_ do that, Iris. I'm in love with you and that's never gonna change. I'll still be here and I'll even go with you if that's what you need. I just...I think this would be a good thing for you."

Iris nodded against him, pulling back slightly to look at him. "I know, you're right. It's something I was thinking about earlier, and when you brought it up yourself...it just made it real. I got overwhelmed. I know that you love me, Bear. _Of course_ , I know that. I'm willing to give it a shot. I'll give therapy another try and _I'll_ really try this time."

A huge relieved smile came over Barry's face. "Iris, that's so great!" He gently kissed her lips. "I know that this will be so good for you. I'm so proud of you for taking this chance."

"I want to be better for you." Iris softly spoke as tears were stinging her eyes once more. "I want to be better for _me_. I want to be the best version of myself and I know that's going to take time and take actual help to get there. I know that."

"Iris," Barry's voice was gentle as he pulled her closer once again. "you're perfect for me. I don't want you to feel like you have to change anything about you for me. I love you for _exactly_ who you are, not for who I want you to be."

"I love you, Barry Allen." Iris softly whispered against him. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"And I love you, Iris West." Barry gently kissed her, feeling her respond to him as their kiss became intense. He gently pulled back, feeling her breathing hard against him. "You're the best thing that ever entered mine."


	16. You need to report him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Iris have an unpleasant run in with Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I am so sorry that this has taken me so long! I have had some major RL issues going on and apologize that it has interfered with this story but nevertheless I can still very committed to it. I noticed that some of you were wanting a fight...well ya got one! I hope it's not too OOC and I hope you guys like it. As I have actually been working on this chapter for like a week! So I'd love to hear what you all think :)

Chapter 16

  
"So, how did the first session go?" Barry gently asked as he and Iris walked down the halls of the dorm, their hands linked together.

"It was good." Iris smiled softly. "She was mostly just getting to know me. Didn't really get into anything heavy yet. I liked that."

"Iris, I'm so proud of you. I know what a big step doing this even is." Barry murmured as he gently squeezed her hand in his.

Iris smiled and was about to reply when her smile faded. 

"Oh no.." Iris looked down immediately, it was almost a reflex of whenever he was near her. 

"What?" Barry asked concerned. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"If it isn't my slut of a girl!" Eddie yelled as he marched right up to them.

Barry immediately understood the reason for the way Iris was looking down. He understood it, yet it pissed him off to no end. No one should make her feel like this. 

"Iris, get behind me." Barry urgently told her as he stood in front of her protectively. 

"Oh, yes! Get behind your new boy toy, Iris!" Eddie snapped. "You think _he_ can protect you? You think he can even _love_ you?!"

Barry felt Iris slightly shaking against him, he moved his hand behind him to grip hers soothingly. "Don't listen to him, Sweetheart. I'm here, I'm right here."

Iris felt slightly calmer from the strength Barry was lending her. "Eddie, you need to leave. I told you it was over and I meant it."

Eddie was enraged by her words and went to attack her but he was violently shoved back by Barry. 

"You try that again and I'll break your arm." Barry growled angrily. "You don't touch her, _ever_."

"You don't seem to get the score here, Iris and neither does your boy toy!" Eddie spat with venom. "It's over when _I_ say it's over!"

"You should really watch what you say." Barry snapped. "This campus has a pretty strict policy on harassment. Every word you say just digs you in further with the Dean."

"Oh! _You're_ threatening me?" Eddie laughed like it was ridiculous. "You're saying you're gonna go tell on me? Maybe get me kicked out?" The laugh left him as he glared at them both. "As if that would _ever_ stop me."

With that, Eddie took off down the hall.

Barry spun around to face Iris, his gaze immediately softening once Eddie was gone and it was just the two of them. "Iris, are you alright?" He soothingly ran a hand along her arm. 

"This is never gonna end, is it?" Iris whispered, the panic just filling her entire being at the thought of having to be afraid of Eddie for the rest of her life. "It's just like he said, right? It's over when he says it's over. And he'll never say it's over. Ever!"

"Iris," Barry's eyes were still gentle but his tone was firm. "you can't let him psych you out like that. It's just what he wants. We can make this stop. You can make this stop. Just go to the Dean and report him. I'll go with you if it makes you mo---"

"What?!" Iris shrieked. "You're joking right? Look, I want this to go away as much as you do but don't forget, I've _lived_ this with him. He said he'd kill anyone I ever told..."

Barry glared at her. "How could I possibly forget any of that, Iris? This is the man that killed our child!" He took a breath to calm himself. "Iris, I know you're scared but those things that he said, those threats...they are nothing more than a manipulation so you'd do what he wanted. You have to report him, Iris. You just have to."

"Barry, you just don't understand." Iris whispered, her expression tortured. 

"Then make me understand, Iris." Barry patiently told her. "What is this really about? You don't feel some need to protect that monster, do you?"

"Of course not!" Iris snapped, and than took a deep breath. "Of course it's not that, Bear. It's...it's about you."

"Me?" Barry repeated confused. "I don't understand, Iris. What do you mean?"

"If I report him he's gonna be so angry. What do you think he's gonna do with that anger, Bear? He's gonna totally take it out on me and he knows the best way to hurt me is to hurt you." Iris cried.

Barry softened as he gently pulled her close to him. "Iris, I'm not afraid of him. I can handle Eddie and whatever he would try to pull."

"He would tell everyone his own version of what happened to our baby, of us...he would humiliate you." Iris whispered. "You've had to deal with so much already, Bear. I want to spare you from anymore...if I can."

"Iris, I don't care what he tells people." Barry snapped. He understood that she wanted to protect him and he loved her for that but at the same time he didn't want Eddie being given a free pass out of fear. "Let him tell the entire world for all I care. You need to report him, Iris. It's time...it's way past time actually. It's enough!"

"Maybe I'm overthinking this," Iris breathed softly. "maybe I don't need to report him. Maybe he'll just eventually forget about me on his own. He'll get bored eventually right? Maybe I don't have to..."

"Iris!" Barry cut her off, his tone incredulous. "You cannot be serious right now! You heard what he said. Eddie is nothing short of a psychopath! Do you really wanna take the off chance that he could just forget about you?! You know what, lets say he did forget you for argument's sake. Do you really wanna let the monster that killed our baby just get away with _everything_?!"

Iris sighed. She knew what he said made sense but at the same time, she was just so tired. Tired of being the girl on display for everyone to gossip about and make judgments on. "Barry, I feel like you're not listening to me. I'm trying to get back to normal here. I'm in therapy, I'm working through my issues. The last thing I want or need is for him to just dredge everything back up! Make a spectacle like always! I'm so tired and I just..."

"Oh, I see." Barry interrupted her, his tone almost cold. "This isn't about me at all, is it Iris? This is about _you_! I really don't know why I'm so surprised. It has _always_ been about what you want and what _you_ need! You kept our baby a secret from me because it was what you needed! You checked out on me because it was what _you_ needed! To hell with what he did to our baby, right?! Because it's all about you! I'm starting to wonder if what he did just made things easier for yo---"

Barry was cut off by her hand violently slapping him across the face.

He took in her furious, yet hurt gaze. The tears he saw forming. He had regretted it almost the moment it left his mouth. He was frustrated and scared...he was saying things he most definitely did not mean.

"You know what, if that is what you truly think of me..." Her body was beginning to lightly shake with sobs. "If you truly think that I wanted what happened to our baby, that I wanted _any_ of this...which absolutely guts me by the way!" She yelled through her tears. "If that is what you think, than you can go to straight to hell Barry Allen!" 

"Iris..." He helplessly murmured her name in immediate apology but she ran off, violently flinging his arm that had gently tried to stop her. "Iris, please I didn't..." He called out to her back, but she just kept on running. 

"I'm sorry..." He murmured as he stood alone, his own tears beginning to fall.


	17. I need her and I know she needs me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry pleads with Caitlin to tell him where Iris is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait you guys!! But this is a long chapter and I hope it makes up for it. I've been working on this for quite awhile. I really hope you guys like it and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!!

Chapter 17

  
It had been four days and Barry still couldn't get Iris to talk to him. 

He felt like absolute shit for what he had said, what he'd insinuated. 

The worst part about it all is that he hadn't meant any of it, hadn't believed it.

But Iris did. 

Because he let his anger and frustration get the better of him, hurtful words had flown out of his mouth that he did not mean. 

But Iris thought he did. 

He had been calling her, texting her at least five times a day but she wouldn't answer any of them. 

He had found her in the hall a couple of times but she wouldn't even look at him. 

Barry had never seen her this angry at him before, and a part of him was terrified he wouldn't be able to make it right. 

But he refused to give up. 

And that is what had led him to Caitlin's door. 

He knocked and felt himself go weary when the door opened and saw the smile immediately drop from Caitlin's face. It was replaced with an angry glare straight at him.

"Hello, Caitlin." He quietly murmured. 

"What the hell do you want?" Caitlin demanded.

Barry sighed at her coldness. He had known Caitlin a long time, had considered her a great friend. Seeing her mad at him certainly didn't set well with him, however it wasn't his greatest priority.

Making things right with Iris was.

"Iris." Barry finally replied. "I'm here for Iris."

Caitlin chuckled bitterly, the glare never leaving her face. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

Barry sighed once again. It appeared he was going to actually have to have a more detailed conversation with Caitlin. Not that it bothered him to talk to her, but he really just wanted to talk to Iris. He didn't want to deal with her friend, with his friend running interference. 

"Caitlin, I don't know what Iris exactly told you..."

"She told me what you said." Caitlin snapped. "How you said that she didn't love her baby, that she was all too thrilled to have it _die_ inside of her!"

Barry's eyes grew pained and felt as if he'd been slapped. "I didn't _say_ that!" At her disbelieving look, he faltered. "I didn't...I didn't say it like that. I didn't _mean_ it like that..." He weakly added.

"You're a bastard." Caitlin stated with disgust. "You can go to hell." She started to slam the door but Barry quickly grabbed the door, stopping her. "Let go." She growled.

"Caitlin, please!" Barry pleaded. "Whatever you may think of me, I love Iris."

Caitlin let out a harsh laugh. "If that's how you treat someone you love, I'd hate to see what you'd do to someone you hate!"

"I know what I said was awful." Barry continued on in a rush, his voice desperate. "I know I'm a complete bastard for even saying that what I did to her. I got frustrated and pissed off and I lost it. I didn't mean any of it. I need to see her. I need to talk to her, to try and make her understand."

Caitlin continued to glare at him. "She's not here." Barry gave her a look that said he didn't believe her and she sighed, the glare falling a bit. "She's really not here, Barry."

"Do you know where she is?" Barry hopefully asked. 

"I do." Caitlin nodded. "I'll tell you what I don't know though. I don't know why the hell I should tell you."

Barry's patience was wearing thin and he was about to snap at her. He knew she was just being protective of Iris which a part of him admired. However, the last thing he needed was to continue to stand here and argue his case with her. He didn't know where Iris was, but he knew wherever it was she was hurting. It was because of him and he needed to be with her. 

"Caitlin, I _love_ Iris. I'm in love with her and I know I fucked up, ok? I get that. Just tell me where she is, so I can tell her all of that." Barry demanded. 

"Those are heartfelt words and all, Barry but I've heard similar ones from Eddie Thawne." Caitlin glared at him once again. "If you think for one second that I am gonna just stand by while Iris gets abused by yet another guy..."

Barry looked at her pissed and offended. "I would _never_ hurt Iris like that! I would _never_ hit her, I would _never_ degrade her...tear her down! That's not who I am and you fucking know that Caitlin!" 

"You know what, Barry? I thought I did." Caitlin remarked sadly. "I really believed that you were one of the good guys. Actually that you were the best guy in the world for Iris. Than she shows back up at my dorm completely hysterical. She cried for hours and there wasn't a thing I could do to help her. You did that, Barry."

Tears stung Barry's eyes at the thought of how much pain his own words had caused Iris. He hated himself all over again. "I know, Caitlin." His voice was hoarse. "I know I hurt her. I regretted them the moment they left my mouth. I..." He breathed deeply. "Maybe I don't deserve her..."

Caitlin wanted to believe in Barry's words, in his obvious pain and regret. However, she had seen this same act one too many times from Eddie. She had to protect Iris. "If you're response when you get upset is to verbally attack the person you're supposed to love, you really don't."

"I need her, Caitlin." Barry whispered through his tears. "I need her so much and I know that she needs me. I didn't mean what I said about our baby, what I accused her of. Do you know that I didn't even know there was a baby until just recently? I feel like I've barely had time to even process! My real anger lies with that son of a bitch, Eddie!" 

Just saying the bastard's name filled with him with rage. "Eddie keeps showing up, keeps making her feel like she's not safe. He showed up the day that I said the things I said. I wanted her to report him and she wasn't ready and I lost it. I'm an asshole, ok? I'm human but I'm _not_ a fucking abuser!"

Caitlin finally softened somewhat. "I thought she reported him. I assumed..." She sighed. "I'm still pissed you said what you did, but Eddie has a real knack for bringing the worst out of someone."

"Caitlin, where is she?" Barry demanded. "Please, I am _begging_ you! I just want to talk to her.."

Caitlin sighed as she finally relented. She was pretty good at reading people and for all the acts Eddie had ever put on, she had never seen the kind of pain in his eyes that she saw in Barry's. This wasn't an act. "The library. She said she had alot of studying to do but I think she just wanted to be alone somewhere quiet."

"Thank you," Barry quietly murmured, turning to leave.

"Barry?" Caitlin called after him. "Don't hurt her again. You may not have meant what you said, but you did real damage to her. I've never seen her so broken before."

Barry just quietly nodded before taking off. 

Caitlin watched after him for a few moments and went back in, quietly closing the door behind her. 

She really hoped Iris didn't hate her for sending Barry her way.

~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~~*~

Iris was huddled in a back corner of the library against one of the book shelves. 

She'd been trying to study for hours but she knew nothing was gonna be able to stick. 

She hadn't been able to focus on anything ever since her fight with Barry. 

She had gotten all of his texts, dodged all of his calls. She had basically avoided all forms of communication with him for the past four days. 

She'd never been more miserable. 

As upset as she was with him, he was still the only person she really wanted to talk to. 

She had stayed firm with the therapy. It was good in some ways, it gave her some coping tools. 

She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep on keeping him at bay like this. 

The worst part was she knew he was right. 

Barry was right to blame her for all of this, for what happened to their baby. 

She had always known it was her fault that their baby had died. 

Now she knew that he believed it too. 

It still didn't make it hurt any less. 

Iris sighed, her hand was touching Barry's contact on her phone. She was about to just call him when she was startled by foot steps.

She looked up and her features filled with slight fear. "Eddie.."

"Hello, Iris." Eddie's smile was menacing. "I think we've been apart long enough, don't you think?" 

Iris quickly stood up, her eyes darting around wildly for any kind of an escape route. 

She was completely out of everyone's range of vision and most likely hearing. 

This specific floor of the library was vacant. It was why she'd chosen it. 

"Eddie, this has to stop. You can't keep showing up everywhere I am, everywhere Barry and I are." Iris strongly stated. 

Eddie glared at her. "I think we can safely leave him out of our lives from now on, Iris. I heard you tell him to go to hell. I've seen the way you've been avoiding him like he has a fucking disease or something." The glare left and she smiled at her. "It can be just us, baby. The way it was always supposed to be."

Iris felt real fear enter her body. There was no one around, she had pushed Barry completely away. She didn't see how she was gonna get away from him this time. 

"You've been stalking me?!" Iris took a deep breath, freaking out would solve nothing. "Eddie, you have to realize how unhealthy all of this is. How many different ways do I have to say it? No matter what happens with Barry, I will _never_ want to be with you ever again. That's over!"

Eddie grew angry as he stalked up to her, shoved her against the bookcase roughly. "Things could've gone so different, Iris! You always have to do this! You always have to make me so fucking mad!"

Iris was shaking as she struggled against his violent hold. "Let me go!"

"No!" Eddie yelled. "It's over when I say it is, remember?! And I'm not saying just yet!" He ran his hand against the edge of her skirt before shoving it underneath and grabbing at her underwear.

"No!" Iris yelled as she violently struggled against him. "Get off me! Get off!"

As quickly as it began she felt Eddie's touches mercifully stop. It was almost like deja vu as he was violently ripped away from her and slammed against the opposite book shelf.


	18. Your pain is my fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry rescues Iris from Eddie

Chapter 18

  
Barry made his way into the library, and he was taken aback by how empty it was. 

He walked further in and looked around at the empty space. 

He didn't see Iris anywhere and if it wasn't for him seeing her bag on the table, he would've thought she'd left. 

He knew that whenever she was upset, or wanting time alone she would always go to the very back where almost no one ever went. 

Barry made his way further back and when he heard her screams, he immediately began running. 

When he finally found her and saw that Eddie was there, attempting to force himself on her yet again, the rage took over. 

He grabbed Eddie roughly and violently slammed him against the opposite book shelf.

"We can't seem to stop meeting this way, can we?" Barry growled. "How many times have I told you, has _she_ told you not to go near her?! I should fucking kill you!"

Iris was standing still, breathing heavily. A part of her couldn't believe Barry was even here. How had he known that she needed him? 

Somehow Barry always seemed to know when she was in trouble, and he always came. 

"You're not in this anymore, Barry." Eddie choked out, feeling Barry's hands gripping his neck tightly. "She left you, remember? She told you to go to hell!" 

Barry was stunned. How did Eddie know any of that? He briefly looked over his shoulder at Iris, the confusion in his eyes.

Iris quickly shook her head at him. "I didn't tell him anything, Barry." She whispered shakily. "I wasn't...he's been stalking us, me."

Barry felt the anger once again come back, but it wasn't at her. He nodded tightly. "Are you..." He took in her tears, the fear he saw there and all he wanted to do was go to her. All he wanted to do was hold her. "Iris, did he hurt you?"

"I didn't hurt her!" Eddie replied annoyed as if it was a ridiculous question. 

Barry's gaze quickly snapped back to Eddie. "I wasn't talking to you, asshole!" 

"I didn't do anything she didn't want." Eddie muttered. 

It was taking everything Barry had not to beat the shit out of this guy. 

"Yeah," He spat in disgust. "she really looked like she wanted you." He shook his head in anger once more. "What do you think it means when you're making a move and all she can do is scream and struggle with all her might? It means she's fucking terrified of you!"

"You just keep on getting in the way," Eddie continued on angrily. "I was finally back together with my girl and you---"

"You are a lunatic, do you even know that?" Barry interrupted him harshly. 

"Face it Barry, she chose me over you!" Eddie grinned. 

"No, I didn't!" Iris exploded. "You need to face the fact that I don't want you!" She walked somewhat closer to them. "I don't want someone that treats me like this," She gestured to Eddie and to herself. "I don't want someone that makes me so terrified beyond reason that I'm hesitant to do what I know is smart and right!" She took a deep breath. "I don't want you, Eddie and to be honest I never really did. You were just a replacement for what I really wanted, but thought I couldn't have." She looked at Eddie with nothing short of disgust. "And a cheap one at that."

Barry had taken his eyes off of Eddie during Iris's speech. He felt himself fill with so much love and respect for her. He knew how hard this had to be, to stand up to Eddie like this. He also knew that it was big thing in her recovery. 

His eyes locked with Iris's and they shared a small smile. 

Barry had his guard somewhat down and that's why when Eddie suddenly charged, shoved him backwards that he actually a stumbled a few feet back.

Eddie charged forward, grabbing Iris by the throat, putting more pressure than he ever had before. "You bitch! After everything I've fu---" 

His sentence never got finished because he was once again violently grabbed, but this time he was slammed to the ground and Barry was beating the shit out of him.

"I think the biggest mistake I ever made was allowing you to continue to breathe after I found out what a monster you are!" Barry yelled as he continued to punch him over and over. "I think lets just rectify that right now! I am gonna fucking kill you! You are never gonna touch her again!" He raged. 

Iris's body had slumped to the ground as she coughed, holding her throat. "Barry," She weakly called out, wanting him to stop. She knew more than anyone how much Eddie deserved to die but she didn't want it to be by Barry's hands. She knew this wasn't who Barry was. "Barry, please..." 

Barry was too enraged to even hear her, he just continued to beat Eddie. 

Iris made her way to over to him. "Barry, you need to stop!" She put her hand on his arm and unlike Eddie he didn't shove her back, but he did somewhat roughly shrug her arm off and she did stumble a step back. "Barry, please!" She cried out. "You're going to kill him! This isn't you!" 

But Barry didn't even respond to her, it was like she wasn't even here and all he saw was his rage for what Eddie had just tried to do to her. 

He had just tried to strangle her to death and she knew how fiercely protective Barry was of her. 

She never realized until just now that he was actually capable of killing someone for her. 

Iris knew she had to do something, she couldn't let this happen. She looked over and saw her phone and made a move for it, to call campus security. 

"What the fuck is going on here?!"

Iris breathed a sigh of relief. "Cisco! You have to--"

But Cisco was already on it, grabbing Barry and pulling him off of Eddie even as Barry struggled heavily. 

"Let me go!" Barry raged. "I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

"Yeah, that's not happening man." Cisco stated firmly. "What the hell?" 

"He fucking tried to strangle Iris!" Barry continued to rage and struggle but Cisco didn't loosen his hold on him. 

"Look at Iris," Cisco demanded. "she's ok. _She_ is ok, Barry and that asshole is not. You gotta calm down, man." 

Looking at Iris did calm Barry down somewhat and he sighed heavily. "Her neck," He whispered brokenly at seeing the red marks. "he tried to kill her. She stood up to him, Cisco. She was...she's so brave and he tried to kill her. I'm supposed to protect her and I..." 

"You did, Barry." Cisco interrupted him firmly. "You did protect her. I know how you feel about her, the current issues between you aside...I know you love her. You can't lose control like that, man. Eddie is not worth you going to jail. Think about it. You go to jail and Iris loses more than she already has. And I think we can both agree that she's lost enough. As have you." 

Barry breathed deeply. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I...thanks, Cisco. I...I completely lost my mind when he put his hands on her..."

Iris was on her phone with campus security. "Yeah, my ex-boyfriend attacked me and I wanna press charges. No, I'm not currently in danger. My..." She trailed off as she looked at Barry, she was still upset with what he had said to her but at the same time she loved him the same. "My boyfriend knocked him out protecting me. Yeah, we'll be here." Iris hung up. 

"Campus security will be here in a few minutes." Iris quietly murmured. 

Cisco finally let go of Barry as he saw that he was calmed down and it was safe to do so. 

Barry walked over to Iris, his eyes filled with sorrow and regret. "Iris, I'm so sor..."

Barry was cut off by Iris throwing herself into his arms, he was taken aback by the feel of her but quickly wrapped his arms around her. He clutched her against him protectively.

"I'm so sorry." Barry quietly murmured. "Iris, I am so sorry for the way I hurt you."

"I'm still angry." Iris whimpered against him. "How can I fight you right now? You saved my life..."

Barry's eyes filled with tears as he held her tighter. "It shouldn't have come to that. I had him in a secure hold and I let my guard down. He hurt you and it's my fault."

"Bear.." Iris whispered softly as she pulled back slightly to look into his tortured eyes. "it's not your fault."

"Your pain _is_ my fault." Barry replied, his voice choked up as he gently touched her neck. He felt her wince and he immediately dropped his hand. "He almost killed you because of my carelessness. It's my fault that you've been hurting these past few days..."

Iris quickly shook her head. "I don't want to talk about that right now..."

"But I have to say it." Barry replied firmly. "I need you to know how sorry I am. I didn't mean it. I was scared and pissed off. You weren't even who I was pissed off at. It was _him_." His tone hardened. "I should've walked away. I should've taken my anger out on him. I..." He trailed off helplessly and noticed that Eddie was just now starting to show signs of coming too. "Then again, maybe not." He conceded as he realized that this still could've been the same end result.

"Barry, it doesn't matter if you meant it or not." Iris softly replied. "I'm still upset with you but..."

"But?" Barry's voice was somewhat hopeful. 

He couldn't stand the idea of her never forgiving him, the idea that his words that were untrue and that he hadn't meant could just end what they had gone through so much to build. He couldn't stand the idea that he may have lost her forever. 

"There was some truth to what you said." Iris quietly said. 

Barry's eyes widened in shock. "Iris, no there wasn't." He replied very seriously. "I was being an asshole, I was...I don't know what the hell I thought I was trying to accomplish." He honestly admitted. "But there was no truth to what I said and I didn't mean a word of it." 

He saw how conflicted she looked, like she wasn't even sure if she could believe him. She couldn't possibly think that what he had said was how he truly saw things? Could she? 

Caitlin's words all of a sudden flew back into his mind. 

_"You may not have meant what you said, but you did real damage to her. I've never seen her so broken before."_

Barry's eyes once again grew pained as he realized what his thoughtless words had done. He was never gonna forgive himself for doing this to her. She hadn't even fully gotten through the abuse she'd gone through at Eddie's hands and than he had to go and just add on to it.

Barry gently but firmly grabbed a hold of her upper arms. "Sweetheart, if you never believe another word I say to you I need you to believe this. What I said, what I accused you of...it wasn't the truth and it's not how I have ever seen things. I _swear_ to you, I--"

"I hate to break this up guys," Cisco interjected regretfully and a little bit awkwardly as well. "but campus security just walked in."


	19. I would do anything to make you safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry/Iris deal with campus security and Eddie tells his version of events.

Chapter 19

  
"Ok, lets take this one person at a time," The officer advised. "and lets start with you." He gestured toward Iris. 

"Barry walked in on Eddie attempting to rape me and strangle me to death." Iris explained. "He was protecting me."

The officer took note of the marks on her neck as he jotted notes down. "And you," He gestured toward Cisco. "what is your role in all of this young man?"

Cisco sighed. He knew this was gonna probably not look good on Barry but he didn't think any good would come from lying. "I walked in on Barry and Eddie fighting. It was pretty violent and I broke it up." 

Eddie scoffed from behind them. "That's putting it mildly."

"I assume you have something to say?" The officer replied somewhat annoyed. He absolutely hated abusers and seeing the marks on Iris's neck were pretty much all he needed to bust this asshole.

"That _psycho_ ," Eddie pointed at Barry who was glaring at him. "tried to kill me! He's been stalking me and my girlfriend, Iris. She only said we're broken up because she's terrified of what he would do. He walked in on us being together and he flipped out!"

"That is such a lie!" Iris exploded furiously. 

Barry was wearing the same furious gaze. How dare that bastard try to turn things around like this? "You are unfucking believable, asshole! You actually think this is gonna work?!"

"He's lying!" Iris insisted, turning to face the officer. "We used to date and I left him because he's abusive! I mean, look at my neck! He tried to _kill_ me!"

"Yes, look at her neck." Eddie commented. "Look at my face, and look at Barry's. Notice how the only two people who aren't hurt here are Barry and Cisco. Cisco just didn't want his buddy going down for murder!"

Cisco was looking at him in disbelief. What a psychopath. "That's not how it was."

The officer sighed. This was escalating pretty quickly. It was becoming a he said, she said type of ordeal. He hated those. He turned to address Cisco. "Ok, who actually started the fight?"

Cisco sighed at what he was about to say. He did not feel right about lying to law enforcement but at the same time he wasn't about to help that Eddie asshole hurt Barry. "It was Eddie. They were struggling and Barry got control of him and was restraining him. It got out of control but Barry was just protecting Iris."

"Of course he's gonna say that." Eddie scoffed. "The guys best friends with psycho over there." 

"Eddie, I _swear_..." Barry began furiously.

"You can't believe a word he says," Iris turned to the officer desperately. "he's a pathological liar. I don't think he even understands what _reality_ is! He is most certainly not my boyfriend and Barry did not cause any of this! Barry _is_ my boyfriend and the last thing I could ever be is afraid of him."

Barry felt his heart swell from her words. He hoped that she meant them but with what was going on between them, he wasn't sure if she was just saying that to protect him. He didn't need her to protect him, he just needed her. He wasn't afraid of whatever charges could be brought against him. As long as Eddie went down too, he was ok with whatever happened to him. He just wanted Iris safe.

The officer finally turned to Barry. "Is any of what has been said here true, young man? Did you attack Eddie?"

"Yes," Barry responded without hesitation. "I attacked Eddie. Cisco did have to pull me off of him. He just assumed that Eddie threw the first punch, but it was me. I was protecting Iris and yes things did get out of hand."

"Barry!" Iris gasped. What was he doing? Was he trying to get in trouble?

"I walked in and I found him forcing himself on Iris. She was screaming and crying, _begging_ him to let her go." Barry continued, the fury coming back to him. "I pulled him off of her and I had him restrained. Iris told him that she wanted nothing to do with him once again and he went crazy and lunged at the both of us. He knocked me down and he nearly strangled her to death. I lost my cool when I pulled him off and I did beat him up. That is the truth."

Iris was terrified of what could potentially happen to Barry from all of this. "Barry was just _protecting_ me! Eddie is the one that has been hurting me, _stalking_ me! I want Eddie arrested for what he just tried to do to me."

"Well, you certainly have every right to press charges." The officer responded softly. "However, so does Eddie."

Eddie had to hide his smug smile at that. "Well, I am definitely pressing charges against that lunatic! He nearly killed me and Iris may not be able to admit it yet, but he has been stalking her for _weeks_! He just can't accept the fact that he lost Iris to me!" He then forced his eyes to hold sympathy. "I sympathize that he lost his child with Iris like a year ago but maybe if he had actually been taking care of--"

His sentence never got finished because Iris lunged at him furiously. She was shoving him and laying punches to his chest. 

"I fucking _hate_ you!" Iris screamed, angry tears streaming down her face. "You have taken so much! How _dare_ you blame Barry for what you did?!" 

She suddenly felt herself being pulled back into strong, comforting arms. 

"Iris," Barry whispered softly, his arms tightly holding her against him. "please he's not worth it. He's just trying to get a reaction, baby." He felt her grip his arms as she continued to sob against him. He breathed deeply, her cries tearing him apart. "Shh," He whispered, placing a kiss against her hair. "it's ok baby."

Iris turned around in his arms and buried her face against his chest as she continued to cry. "Bear, I..." As much as she was still hurt and upset with Barry for what he said regarding the loss of their child, she was still overwhelmed with wanting to once again apologize for how she'd lost it and how she'd lied to him. 

The officer had seen about all he had needed to see to make the proper judgment call on this situation. "Ok, Eddie you are gonna go with my partner and be booked for your crimes here today." 

Eddie looked enraged. "You have got to be _fucking_ kidding me! _I'm_ the victim here!"

The officer just chuckled harshly. "You know, she was right. You really don't seem to understand reality."

The officer's partner grabbed Eddie even as he struggled and cuffed him, leading him out as he ranted and screamed. "It's over when _I_ say it's over!"

Once they were out the Officer approached the young man and his girlfriend. "Listen, I want to be clear that I believe the both of you. I'm obviously gonna need statements and such. I do however need to tell you, young man that using excessive force the way you did is _never_ the answer. I won't lie to you, depending on this guy's resources you could face a civil suit and you could receive some possible time for the way you responded."

Barry just continued to hold Iris and he nodded his head at the officer. He didn't care what happened to him just as long as Iris would be safe from that maniac. 

"No," Iris whimpered as she was getting worked up and upset all over again at the possibility of Barry doing any kind of jail time for protecting her. "no, no..."

The officer looked at them regretfully before turning away and approaching Cisco who was standing their awkwardly yet was wearing deep concern. "I'm gonna need you to come to the station with me to make your statement if you don't mind.."

Cisco nodded immediately. "Yeah, that's fine." 

Cisco left the library with the officer, leaving Barry and Iris alone.

Barry held Iris tighter against him. "Iris, it's ok." He whispered gently. 

"No, no it's not." Iris cried, her body shaking against him as she gripped him tighter and more desperately. "It's _not_ ok."

She couldn't lose him, not now. She hadn't quite forgiven him for what he had said but at the same time she was still in love with him. She knew he hadn't meant them and at the end of the day, she knew that she would eventually be able to move past that with him. He had risked so much for her today. It was clear that he loved her. 

"As long as you're safe." Barry gently whispered, resting his head against hers. "I would do _anything_ make you safe, Iris."


	20. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Iris talk some things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I am so SO sorry for the extremely long wait. I seriously never meant to be MIA for this long. RL has been INSANE. Been working pretty much more than I'm living lately. It's been insane. I'm gonna try not to be away this long again. Thanks to all who are still sticking with me! Means alot :)

Chapter 20

  
Barry had taken Iris back to his dorm after they had both made their statements, and had gotten pictures of the bruises Eddie had given Iris.

Iris took a seat on the edge of Barry's bed, placing her bag beside her. 

"Iris," Barry gently took a seat beside her. "are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine, Bear." Iris softly replied, her eyes downcast as she rubbed her hands a few times. 

Barry sighed as he gently placed his hand over hers to stop her movements. "You can talk to me, Sweetheart." 

"Yeah," Iris blinked back tears. "cause that worked out so well the last time Eddie was the topic right?"

"Iris, I'm _so_ sorry." Barry whispered, his voice filled with shame. "I should've never spoke to you the way that I did and I certainly should've never said those awful things to you. I didn't mean _any_ of them, I swear. I hope..." He squeezed her hand softly. "I hope someday you can forgive me."

Iris breathed deeply. She knew this wasn't all Barry's fault and she wasn't even angry with him anymore. She stopped being angry the moment he laid it all on the line to protect her. 

"No, _I'm_ sorry Bear." Iris whispered softly as she turned to look at him. "I'm not even angry at you anymore. I can always forgive you. I kind of have in a way. I just...forgetting is another matter entirely. Do you know that I have trusted you our entire lives? I know it may not seem that way to you. I know you think otherwise because I lied to you for so long, but I have always trusted you. I've always trusted that you would never say or do anything to hurt me. You did though. You did hurt me."

"Iris, I'm so sorry. I swear, I _never_ meant to hurt you." Barry choked out as tears stung his eyes. "You are the last person on this earth I would _ever_ want to intentionally hurt."

"I know," Iris softly replied. "Barry I know you would never want to actually hurt me. You've saved me more times than I can count. You saved me today. You...you might go to jail because of what you did for me."

"I told you, as long as you're safe." Barry repeated his words from earlier. "Besides, everyone including the cop knows that I was protecting you. I'm honestly not worried about it."

Iris frowned. "You could be facing jail time. The cop did say that was a possibility. How can you not be worried about that?"

Barry gently placed both of his hands on her arms. "Iris," He began with a patient smile. "you know me well enough to know that I don't like to worry about things that haven't passed just yet. However, if some type of jail sentence or community service was a price I had to pay for keeping you safe...I hope you know I'd pay it."

Iris's eyes started to water. "I know you would, Barry. Protecting me is something you have done for as long as I've known you. You've protected me even when I haven't deserve it..."

"You've _always_ deserved it." Barry interjected firmly. 

"You don't deserve to go to jail or pay any type of fine for protecting me." Iris continued upset, feeling herself get very worked up at the thought. "Why should Eddie go free for everything he's done to me, to our baby?" Her voice cracked as a tiny sob erupted from her. 

"Hey," Barry gently pulled her close. "Eddie's not gonna go free. He's in jail for nearly killing you and they now have those photos as evidence."

"Somehow I just know he's gonna get out." Iris cried softly, as she pulled away from his warm, comforting embrace. She moved off of the bed, standing up as she wrapped her arms around herself. "And what's he gonna do when he does? He said it's over when he says it is, remember? He threatened to kill you if I ever told you anything..."

"Baby, he just wants you scared. He wants you so terrified that you can't move beyond him. It's what guys like that do." Barry moved to stand behind her as he gently turned her around to face him. "Besides, I think I've proven I'm stronger than Eddie." He gave her a teasing smile and he received a a small slap to his arm. 

"Not funny." Iris grumbled but she couldn't help but give a small smile back in return. "You haven't...I missed you saying that."

Barry lifted an eyebrow curiously at her. "Saying, what?"

"What you called me..." Iris avoided his gaze almost shyly. "You called me 'baby'. I always...um...I always liked you calling me that. I still do."

"Oh," Barry softly smiled as it hit him what he had said. He didn't even realize he'd even called her that until after it had come out. It was a natural thing to him. "I...I can't really change how I see you, Iris. Even with the way things have been, and are...I can't change what you are to me."

"Me neither." Iris whispered softly.

Barry gently touched her face. "Iris, I love you. I know I have alot to make up to you and I swear to you--"

"I love you, Barry." Iris cut him off, taking in his stunned expression. Did he really think some horrible words could make her stop? 

Barry's eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Still? After the way I hurt you, the things I said...you still love me the way I love you?"

"In what way do you love me, Barry?" Iris softly asked. 

"I love you the way I've always loved you ever since we were kids. I love you in the 'I can't breathe without you' type of way. I can't stand the idea of you being hurt, of not having you with me. You really love me like that, Iris?" Barry gently leaned his head against hers. "I would understand if you didn't, but I don't think I could bare it if you no longer felt the same...if I lost you forever."

Iris softly touched his face. "You haven't lost me and I never stopped loving you that way, Bear. Turns out not loving you isn't something I'm capable of."

"Iris," Barry whispered as he gently pulled her even closer. "Baby, I really want to kiss you. Can I do that?"

Iris softly nodded as she closed the small distance between their lips and placed hers on his, her arms going around his neck.

"Iris," Barry groaned as he clutched her body against his. "God, baby I missed you so much. I love you so much." He crashed his lips back against hers, kissing her with everything inside of him. 

"Barry," Iris moaned against him, removing her arms from his neck to remove her cardigan, but Barry's hands stilled hers.

"What are you doing?" Barry gently asked her confused.

"I want to be with you, Barry." Iris whispered softly as she once again reached up to remove her cardigan.

Barry's hands once again stilled hers as he held one of her hands against his chest. "Sweetheart, you _are_ with me. You're with me."

"Barry, please..." 

Barry felt Iris reach out to undo his pants and his hand once again stopped hers. 

"Iris," He groaned softly. It was really difficult for him to keep holding her back. He wanted her so badly, had for so long but he couldn't bring himself to do this unless he was sure that this was just about them and nothing else. "I want you so bad. Baby, you have to know how bad I want you..."

"Then take me." Iris breathed softly.

"I can't." Barry shook his head. "Iris, I love you _more_ than I want you. Just a few weeks ago you said you weren't ready for something like this."

"I can't change my mind?" Iris asked.

Barry sighed. "Of course you can change your mind, but my concern is what is changing your mind. Are you....I don't want you to push yourself into something you aren't ready for because you're scared."

Iris looked at him visibly upset. "You think I want to be with you because I'm scared?"

"Do you?" Barry gently asked. "Sweetheart, you don't have to be scared. This isn't why I'm with you. I love you for you. I'm not going to leave you if we don't have sex."

"You might..." Iris whispered avoiding his gaze.

Barry felt his heart break at her words. Did she truly believe this was all he cared about? Did he truly mess things up between them this bad? 

"I'm _not_ going to leave you if we don't have sex." Barry repeated firmly, taking her face and forcing her eyes to meet his worried ones. "Is it because of the things I said? Is it because I accused you of being selfish? It isn't what I meant and I'm so sorry! I was such an asshole, but I don't see you as selfish." 

He saw the tears rolling down her face and he sighed as he rested his face against hers, just wanting to be close to her. "Baby, I love you _so_ much. I swear to you I am _never_ going to leave you..." 

"Stop saying that!" Iris snapped, pulling away from him almost angrily. "How can you promise me that when there is a very real possibility of you doing just that?!"

"Iris..." Barry softly whispered. "What do I have to do, have to say to get you to believe me? I'm not leaving you..."

"You're probably gonna get arrested, it would be just like Eddie to do this as like a revenge!" Iris cried out. "You'll go to jail and...and...."

"And what?" Barry gently asked. He knew how important it was for her to talk things out when she was upset. "Talk to me, Sweetheart."

"You'll be gone." Iris choked out. "I'll have to live without you again. I'll have to live with the fact that it's my fault that you're gone. I'll have to live with the fact that Eddie was the last person who I was---" She broke off crying. "I can't _bare_ that!"

"Oh, Iris..." Barry felt his heart break at her words and at seeing her in so much pain. "Baby, come here.." 

Barry reached out to her, but she stepped away again. "No!" Iris cried out. "I can't stand that idea! I have to be with you now before it's too late! He can't be the last person that touched me like that." Her eyes were filled with pain and disgust. "We have to be together, you have to touch me! Please!"

Barry quickly pulled her against him before she could step away again, and held her against him tightly. "Shhh, baby..."

"Please!" Iris sobbed against his chest, no longer struggling. "I need you! Barry, I _can't_ lose you..."

Tears were streaming down Barry's face at watching the woman he loved more than anything fall apart against him. "I need you too, baby." He choked out. "You won't lose me. Sweetheart, I promise you're not going to lose me. Shhh, just breathe baby. Just breathe..."


	21. First Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a flashback chapter of how Barry and Iris first met each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some bullying and some forms of racism in this chapter. I worked really hard on this one. I hope you guys like it. I've been wanting to write out a West Allen first meeting flashback for quite some time. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on it!

Chapter 21

  
_*Ten Years Ago*_   
_*Iris West's House*_

_Iris West stepped out onto her porch, with her bag slung over her shoulders as she walked down the steps and towards the bus stop down the street._

_Today was the first day of sixth grade. It was the start of the middle school._

_Not that she expected this day to be any different than all of the previous years, but she was hopeful._

_The house next door to hers suddenly caught her eye, making her stop. She noticed a huge moving truck and a young boy who didn't look that much older than her._

_"Hi!" Iris said brightly to him as she smiled and waved at him._

_The boy just stared at her for a moment, looked around and than back at her._

_Iris than frowned. "Oh, um I'm sorry. I didn't...I was bothering you, right?" She had her eyes averted that she missed the boy's face go soft with a look of regret. "Of course I was. I'll um...yeah."_

_Iris didn't make it more than two feet away before she felt a gentle hand grab her arm._

_"Wait!" The boy called out as he jogged over to her._

_Iris hadn't been expected the contact so she pulled back on instinct._

_The boy immediately let go of her arm almost as if he'd been burned. "I'm sorry," He quickly apologized. "I shouldn't have..." This was just what his parents had gotten onto him about. Acting before thinking. It was the reason they'd had to move here to begin with. "I didn't want you to think I was a rude jerk." He sighed. "I am a rude jerk, huh?" He was so focused on staring downward that he missed the small smile that had crossed her face. He looked back up. "You're not bothering me."_

_"I'm Iris," She introduced herself, the cheeriness from before coming back. "I live over th...well, where else would I live but over ther?" She sighed as her babbling once again took over her. It's what tended to happen whenever she got really excited about something or in this case, saw a boy she thought was cute. "I live next door."_

_"I'm Barry," He grinned, amused by her babbling. "and I live here." He frowned. "You already probably guessed that though, huh?"_

_Iris giggled. "Kind of." She frowned. "Hey, why were you...? You seemed like you were ignoring me before..."_

_The smile fell from Barry's face and replaced with regret. "I'm so sorry about that. I honestly didn't think you were talking to me and than once I realized you were, you already thought I didn't want to talk to you..."_

_"Oh," Iris murmured not really sure what to make of this but not wanting to seem rude herself by continuing to ask questions. Her mother always got on her about such things. "um I'm on my way to the bus stop for school." She smiled than frowned as she realize how dumb her words sounded to her own ears. Had she always been this lame?_

_To her own surprise, Barry wasn't laughing at her or rolling his eyes at her. Maybe he was too nice for that? He was smiling at her though, but the smile seemed just as gentle as his touch had been._

_His smile caused Iris to smile brightly back. "Would you wanna walk to the bus stop with me?"_

_"You would want me to walk with you?" He seemed confused but there was still a small smile on his face. "Like we're friends?"_

_"Sure!" Iris smiled brightly, meaning it. He seemed nice and he hadn't laughed at her yet or called her a freak._

_Barry smiled back before frowning. "I wish I could walk with you but I can't. I'm not entirely enrolled yet. My dad has to finish signing stuff and he is gonna wanna drive me to school. He's protective. New school and all."_

_Yeah, his father was protective all right. He was protective of other people's kids. He had somewhat of a (well very) violent temper back in his old school. Not like he was a bully or anything, more like he had a temper with bullies. Bullies who once they figured couldn't pick on him, would pick on other kids._

_However, he barely knew this girl. He really didn't want her to think he was some head-case. She was the first person to actually want to talk to him. He didn't wanna blow that._

_"Oh," Iris murmured, feeling disappointed. "ok."_

_Barry felt sad at seeing the disappointed look on the girl's face. "I didn't hurt...I'm sorry. I meant what I said. If it weren't for my dad and his crazy protectiveness, I really would want to walk with you."_

_For some reason that Iris couldn't quite name she believed him. He seemed very genuine, more so than any of the other kids she'd met so far._

_"It's fine, I get it." Iris smiled. "Sorry if I seemed pushy or something. I just don't really know all that many kids here myself."_

_She then frowned again. She really hoped she didn't make herself sound like a total loser for admitting that._

_"Oh," Barry murmured quietly. "so you just moved here too huh?"_

_Iris shook her head. "No, it's not that. I've always lived here."_

_Barry looked confused at that but didn't want to seem rude by asking why she didn't know alot of kids. "Oh." He replied softly. "My parents say it takes time to make true friends."_

_Iris nodded. "Yeah, it kinda can. My mom says I talk too much..." She frowned once again. She really didn't mean to bring her issues with her mom up to a boy she just met._

_Barry frowned. "That's not nice."_

_Iris looked stricken as if he'd hit her. "Yeah, I...I should work on that I guess. Sorry." Her voice came out small and she was suddenly looking anywhere but at Barry._

_Barry looked stricken in return and felt awful that he had unintentionally hurt her feelings. He certainly hadn't meant that she talked too much. He just thought her mom didn't sound very nice. He hadn't had much of a filter these days._

_"No, Iris...I'm sorry." He apologized profusely. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean that you...you don't talk too much. I think you talk perfe...I mean you talk fine. I just...I really don't think your mom should say that to you. It isn't nice."_

_"Oh," Iris softly replied. She wasn't really used to anyone taking her side with her mom. Especially not kids she just met five minutes ago. "um...yeah I guess she isn't sometimes."_

_Iris noticed out of the corner or her eye, the pack of kids at the end of the street._

_"Wow, I should get going before the bus shows up." Iris softly said. "It was nice to meet you, Barry. I'll see you around?"_

_Barry smiled back and nodded. "Yeah, you'll see me around."_

_Iris gave him one last smile before taking off down the street._

_"Hey, slugger." Henry Allen said as he walked to where Barry and the moving truck was. "Who was that girl you were talking to?"_

_"Oh, that's Iris. She lives right next door." Barry quietly said but couldn't hide the smile as he mentioned her. "She's..." He trailed off. He was still hesitant to actually believe this sweet girl that he had just met actually wanted to be his friend right off the bat. "She's my new friend..."_

_Henry was taken aback but smiled. All he wanted was for his kid to make some true friends. "Well, that didn't take long. See? I told you you'd make new friends here. Just..."_

_"I know, I know." Barry cut in, his tone both tired and regretful. "Don't start any fights and don't get kicked out this time. You don't have to say it, Dad. I know I'm a screw-up."_

_"Hey," Henry cut in, his tone scolding. "one don't get cut me off while I'm taking. It's rude. We've had that discussion. And two, you are not a screw-up. You've just made some bad choices. Now, you have a chance to make better ones, ok?"_

_Barry just nodded. "Ok."_

_Henry gently put a hand on his son's shoulder. "Listen, I'm gonna get this box inside and than I'll get you to school. Sound like a plan?"_

_Barry just nodded again, less tense this time as him going to school would mean that he would possibly see Iris again. He really wanted to see her again._

_Henry picked up the box and headed back inside._

_Barry was about to grab one of his boxes to take inside when he noticed a couple of kids from the small crowd down the street cornering Iris._

_Barry sighed. "Crap..."_

_He had promised his dad that he wouldn't start anymore fights but it was never gonna be in his nature to just turn a blind eye either._

_Not even needing to take time to think it through, he took off down the street, leaving his backpack behind._

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_"Give it back."_

_A boy had taken Iris's backpack and Iris was trying to reach it._

_"Didn't you have this same one last year?" A girl snidely asked. "Are you poor or something?"_

_"No," Iris mumbled. "just give it back."_

_"Give it back." The girl repeated with a mock. "You are such a loser."_

_"Hey!" Barry called out as he ran up to Iris and the rest of the kids. "She said, give it back."_

_The boy holding the backpack turned and looked Barry over for a moment. "And why should I listen to you?" He gave him a dismissive look before turning back to Iris. "You know, my dad said your kind would look better hanging from a tree."_

_It was those words that completely made Barry forget any promise he'd made to his dad about not fighting._

_Barry charged up to him, shoving him to the ground and grabbing the backpack and tossing it gently to Iris._

_Barry was nearly leaning down about to to punch the boy that had just insulted his new friend when suddenly the heard the school bus approaching._

_"You should get on that bus." Barry glared at the boy that was just starting to stand up. "And don't ever talk to my friend like that again."_

_"Whatever," He spat, as he grabbed his bag off the ground. "you losers really aren't worth my time anyway."_

_He and the others got on the bus, except for Iris and Barry._

_Iris stood and watched the bus drive off._

_Barry turned to look at Iris in concern, feeling his heart shift at the pain he saw in her eyes._

_He was about to ask her if she was ok, but thought better of it once he realized in the same moment what a dumb question that would be._

_She clearly wasn't ok._

_"They're jerks." Barry softly said. "You shouldn't let them get to you."_

_"I know." Iris sniffled. "They're always this way." She was hugging herself. "Thank you for standing up for me. No one's really, well ever done that for me before."_

_"It's no problem." Barry was still looking at her with concern. She looked so small hugging herself like that. "We're friends. It's what friends do."_

_"You really meant that?" Iris softly asked. "When you told Eric I was your new friend...you meant that?"_

_"Of course." Barry responded, confused that she thought he wasn't sincere. "Didn't you?"_

_"Yes, of course!" Iris eagerly responded, not even hesitating. "I just..."_

_"What?" Barry gently asked._

_"I always want to be friends with people." Iris admitted softly. "I'm just not used to them wanting to be friends with me back."_

_"I get that." Barry softly said, moving closer to her. "I don't really make friends easy either."_

_"Why not?" Iris curiously asked._

_"Um, well..." Barry silently thought over his options for a brief moment before deciding that if they really were friends he should just be honest. His Dad was always on him about the importance of honesty. "They're usually afraid of me. I got into fights all the time at my old school."_

_"You mean like with Eric?" Iris wasn't looking at him any differently, just curiously._

_"Yeah," Barry admitted. "like with Eric. Kids used to be really mean to me, like those were to you. Once I stood up to them and showed them they couldn't push me around anymore, they started in on other kids. So, I would help them and it resulted in alot of fights. My Dad made me promise that I wouldn't get into anymore fights."_

_Iris was quiet for a moment. "You came anyway. You were about to fight Eric. Why would you do that?"_

_"Because we're friends." Barry softly replied. "I couldn't just not do anything."_

_"Most people would and have done exactly that." Iris replied. "Nothing."_

_"I'm sorry." Barry offered. "It's not right that you're treated that way. And it is really not right what Eric said to you."_

_"It's the way it's always been." Iris softly said, tears entering her eyes once more. "I can't believe I actually thought this year would be any different for me."_

_Barry gently wrapped one arm around Iris and was surprised when she turned and full on hugged him._

_Barry gently wrapped his other arm around her, hugging her back. "This time is different, Iris. This time you have me."_


End file.
